Update

Those who know me, know that I have been gone for awhile.  I was gone 28 days.  I have been really struggling and extremely depressed and nothing seems to be helping.

The Monday before June 6th I had written a suicide letter dated for June 6th.  I had group that day and decided I would talk about it and possible be able to change my mind.  I wasn't trying to be manipulative or gamy rather I was trying to get some feedback and possibly change my mind.  However, my therapist didn't think that nor did she take me seriously.  I honestly didn't plan on talking about it but I figured I didn't have anything to lose. And because I was told I was being manipulated, nothing was done.  Absolutely nothing was done because I was being *manipulative* according to my therapist.

So, on July 6th I overdosed and when Jen couldn't get a hold of me for over two hours she called to have a wellness check and I was found by the Ravenna Police Department.  I was taken to the ER (don't remember a thing) and was put in ICU for the night.  Still intoxicated, I was released and was sent to my mental health agency where they sent me home.  That night I took more pills but didn't go to the hospital.  Sunday night once Jen went to bed, I overdosed again and she found me at the bottom of the stairs at around 2:00 a.m. Monday morning.  I was placed on a ventilator for two days.  I have lost three days of my life.

Once I was cleared medically, I was sent to another hospital for mental health.  I stayed there exactly 24 days.  The did 6 ECT treatments which I completely regret.  During this time they had to cut ALL medications in half due to the treatments.  What pisses me off is they never put my meds back to their original doses when I left and now I am all over the place, still suicidal, and no where for me to go.

On top of that, my therapist has referred me to a new therapist and I see her on the 28th of this month.  I will see Julie for the last time next week which has many emotions stirred up inside.  I was supposed to see her this week but because I injured she cancelled my appointment.  I understand I have consequences but I also need help and instead of helping me she is telling me I can't see her cause I injured.  I need someone to help me and Jen can only do so much.  So, I am being pushed away and even the crisis unit are being assholes to me.

So, where does this leave me? If I could answer this question for myself, I would answer it for all of you.  Right now I am hanging by the tinniest piece of threat and it could break at any given time.