Trainwreck

There's a decent amount of profanity in this post. If you're offended by that sort of thing, it's best to skip this entry.



God damnit. I can't stop saying God damnit. I've said it out loud, not just in my head, maybe 8 times now. It's like not only is my brain completely overloaded, it simply can't find any other phrase to sum up how I feel. Not only that, but the feeling is so persistent that I'm stuck repeating it.

I feel like I'm a traincar, moving along the tracks. But I'm going down a set of tracks I don't want to go. Only no one told me that these were bad tracks until recently, and while there were plenty of switches I could have used to get on a different set of tracks earlier, no one told me they were even there, much less why I would want to use them. And now that I'm already on the bad tracks, I've had to throw a switch to determine where to go next. Only both choices are bad.

Maybe I need to use this analogy a little differently. Maybe it's more like a choice of being derailed now or being derailed later. There's really no way to tell which choice is better. If you combine this use of the train analogy with the previous use, that's probably the best. And I guess I've chosen to derail now rather than taking the train down a set of bad tracks just to derail later. And I hope that's the better decision, but even if it is, does that really mean anything? Is a shitty choice really better than a shittier choice? It sucks to be on this track to begin with.

I won't know the answer for a long, long time. And in the meantime, I'll still be derailing. Please excuse the mess of scattered pieces, some of which will be strewn about this blog from time to time no doubt.

God damnit.

~Jay