Contemplating and info on parts

I am starting to agree with one of the parts more and more. I really feel i've done such horrible things and I do deserve to die. Technically, I really don't, but i'm saying even by standards of being loved unconditionally by God... I just don't think that applies to me.

I've been looking at bridges and trying to figure out how tall they are. Apparently there is a famous "suicide" bridge here.

Then there is the part that is so thankful. She wants to live her life for Jesus and help others so much she is willing to endure whatever pain.

I'm having a whole lot of trouble with part agreeing. I hate it. It's so frustrating. I'm hesitant to talk about it for fear that people will read this and I don't know what they will think, but again- who cares.


There is Stacey who is a total bitch. She is very dominant and thinks bev is trying to ruin my life, that I don't know what I'm talking about, and that we all need to listen to dad. We think she's around her teen years.

Lilly is a scared little girl, really hesitant to talk. She is the one that took over at the movie theater-which turned out to be really bad. She likes to be curled up under blankets. My friend said she has really sad eyes and hardly communicates.

Paulina is like stacy but does not swear as much and is a little nicer. Still defends dad
(in fact most of them defend dad)

Ashley is young and very obedient

Jennifer is between 6-11- don't know much yet

Christina is about 5 and does inappropriate things

i forgot the boy's name but he draws bad pictures and is little

there is one who is pre-verbal and there are other little ones too scared to come out but hold horrible memories from me-which is nice of them

those are all the ones so far. there may be more but they are very good at acting like me and other people cannot really recognize that is is another part unless they pay really close attention to voice, habits, and doing out of character things. Even then they are still very good at acting like me. My aunt referred to a time that I tried to jump off her banister because I thought I could fly..

It's scary when I loose time because they take over and I have no recollection of what happened. Like I'll find myself somewhere and don't know how I got there or find stuff i don't remember buying and would never buy or can't remember hours of the day. The worst part are the headaches and migraines I get because switching is really hard on the brain.

I'm trying to keep other parts from writing in here but it may not happen now that i've talked about them and they may get angry. I know this makes me sound completely nuts.