Lost Forever

(I wrote this short story-poem-thingy years ago when I was trying to find my way out of the darkness.)

I was beautiful once--long dark curls, smooth white skin, large deep eyes.

As a youth I had great passion and expectation. I was like a feral child running naked and aimless through the jungle. Wild greenery caressing my skin; chasing intense sensations; innocent to right or wrong.

As time drooned on a stark emptiness blossomed inside me. It was like a small laseration that grew insidiously within; attacking unexpectedly with sharp pains of paralyzing fear. It became apparent that in its fruition this void would slither up from the abyss and steal my breath.

Out of eyes that had been raped of fairytales, I search intensely for the outer limits; from a break in the heavy air and the groping branches that slapped my body. Running away from all prior fantasies, I finally happened upon a break in the thick foliage. There Truth shown down like a smoldering star. Powerful blinding light and blistering heat seemed to engulf and incinerate my being. It was a Holy Fire--pure, intense, awesome.

I had been truly lost before, but now I was loosing myself--my will, my desires, my imaginings. He was trying to burn all my beautiful skin and hair away. He was desperately trying to reach down into the darkness of my soul to possess my whole being.

I would not have Him burning through the surface I had created; stealing all my dreams away. I broke free, and against the strong current, I dove back into the deep cold abyss from which I had come.

And very slowly my heart began to harden to stone.

But He would not give up so easily. I was haunted for years. He would cry out desperately night after night to me. It did not matter how far I would run, His call was always loud and clear.

So I willed myself to go deaf.  And I was drawn deeper into the darkness until I had completely lost sight. But I was still beautiful. And I was not alone. There were many beautiful people who had never even heard of Him.  And they really could care less.

Finally, so much time passed that I figured He must have been nothing more than a childhood dream. I lived out the rest of my days lost in the dark, bumping into others from time to time who were trying to feel their way around.

Now I sit in this eternal hell. The evil from within stealing my breath. I die 1000 times a day forever. My skin is gray and shriveled. My eyes have been riped from their sockets; and I have pulled out all of my hair.

And over and over in my head the projector spins a vision of a time so long ago.

Sometimes I try to remember His name or the way He called out to me. If I were to call Him, even now, I know he would come. But I can't remember His name.

I just can't remember.....