Well let me start by saying I haven't had many girlfriends. My first real relationship lasted for 8 years, of course that was on and off. It didn't end well, I could go on for hours and hours about the stuff I did wrong in that relationship. I was a horrible person to her, cheating, lying, and making her feel like an idiot to name just a few. Anyhow, so in our 8th and final year of our love/hate relationship we lived together. The last few years I had actually learned my lesson with all the cheating and shit and was faithful to her, but I still would be an asshole to her. I came to find out later on that I had bipolar disorder so it could have been one of the reasons I would scream at her and make her feel like shit. But anyway, I digress, we lived together for about a year. I told her I was going to live with her for a year, because I was going to move back in with my parents to take care of my debt. I had accrued a lot of debt while living at home, and she was paying the rent and I had very bad spending habits. So I felt bad taking her money, and I guess I didn't explain that well enough to her. I ended up leaving at the end of the year and going back home to my parents. Of course I figured we would still be together because I thought we were going to be married one day. Even though I knew in my heart we really wouldn't be. We had grown apart and it was mostly my fault. So when I tried to talk to her after that she would always be too busy and brushed me off. Of course I went superpsycho on her and wouldn't let her alone. Mostly because I didn't want to let go of my safety blanket.
So, long story short, we broke up and I was very distraught. Then of course I met a girl a month later and latched on to her. Even though she was one of those girls that the second you meet her you know you should avoid her. Anyhow, I got a taste of my own medicine with her. She lied to me and cheated on me and belittled me. She made me feel I wasn't worth anything and I believed it. Then I started to realize that this was how I must have made my ex feel. So since then I would never dream of treating anybody that way ever again. That girl almost destroyed me and made me crazy.
Of course now I have never been happier, but I still find myself having dreams about my ex. And in the dreams I am always pursuing her trying to apologize to her. I actually wrote a letter to her that I haven't sent to her. I am really thinking I should so I will have some closure. At least in my mind. There is no amount of apologizing I can do that will fix what I did. I just had a dream about her this weekend. I was with my girlfriend in the dream and I ran into my ex. So I was chasing her down and finally got to talk to her and her boyfriend. I finally got her alone and was telling her about the letter I had written. And she cut me off and said I am sure it goes something like this. And she told me what she had thought it said. It was really ride sounding and I couldn't get her to believe me what it really said. Then her boyfriend got in my face and was pissed off at me. I am very hazy on the details, but I know the dream didn't make me feel good. I mean I guess I have a mental block on a lot of the things I did to her in the relationship. But they always come back to me in dreams and they bring me to the verge of tears. We are going on almost four years since I have seen her now. I have talked on the phone with her and emailed a few times. But that wasn't in the last two years. Yet these dreams still linger. I am wondering if I should send this letter and maybe the dreams will stop. I only wish I could know that she has forgiven me. I do know she has moved on and is happy. I am happy as well, because I met my soulmate. Yet I still feel horrible about what I did to her. It is hard to live with myself knowing the shit I did to her. Maybe someone has some suggestions that would help. Forgive me if I have been rambling. I usually have a random thought process and I haven't written anything like this is a while.
bad dreams
