So V-Day didn’t go so well for Jeff and I.
I felt like he was kinda being a jerk to start out the day, and things sort of escalated in a very subtle way and ended up basically ruining the whole rest of the day.
He came over to my place in the morning then I drove us out to a nearby state park and we went for a hike. The weather was nice that day, considering it’s February in Illinois, so we were really looking forward to it. But like I said, I felt like he was kinda being a jerk.
Also, something specifically sort of put a bad taste in my mouth right away.
I might sound totally superficial and unappreciative right now, but … he got me red roses. Which he knew I didn’t want. Because I told him. This year, and in the past.
I told him when we started dating that I’m not crazy about flowers. Don’t get me wrong… the flowers are beautiful. But they’re just … not my thing. It’s like how you can admit that, yeah, that person’s really attractive, but they’re still not your type. Red roses are just not my “type”, of gesture, I guess. But any genuine gesture of affection and love is always appreciated. I appreciate the red roses.
My problem was, I couldn’t tell if he gave me the roses – knowing I didn’t want them – because that’s truly what he wanted to give me from his heart, or because it was the easiest thing to do, because he didn’t really put much effort into it. Because from my perspective, if he wanted to put thought into giving me something that I would really want and appreciate in itself (rather than just the gesture), he would never have gotten me red roses.
I guess I also partly feel this way because, if he did get them sort of thoughtlessly, I feel like things between us are kind of lopsided. I put a lot of effort into planning a nice day – for him. Because he told me recently that he really likes to have a romantic experience once in a while. So I planned this romantic dinner I was going to make us at home, and I spent time looking up a nice drink I could mix for us, taking into consideration that he does NOT like vodka and that we’ve connected over margaritas in the past… I bought stuff to make a drink called “hearts of pom” which is basically like a pomegranate margarita. I planned a nice romantic at-home massage, with candles and oils, and me in red lacy lingerie. This kind of stuff usually isn’t really usually my thing, but I figured I would enjoy it regardless because it was with him, and I was all-in for it. I wanted to share with him a true romantic evening like he had said he desires. And maybe, to him, the red roses were a romantic gesture to set things in that direction for Valentie’s Day. Maybe. And if that’s the case, then I’m happy for them. But that doesn’t make up for him being a real jerk the rest of the morning… I couldn’t get into the mood of having a romantic day when my partner wasn’t participating in being sweet and loving towards one another. And the crazy thing is, we HAVE BEEN being VERY sweet and loving towards one another a lot lately. We’ve been doing great. That’s why it really upset me when he was in such a sour puss mood for no reason, on this day, of all days.
Our first Valentine’s day, he knew I didn’t like to receive flowers as a romantic gesture, and he got me A PALM TREE which… I mean, I pretty much fell in love with him after that lol. Because it seemed so thoughtful and was just absolutely sweet. But that was the first year we were dating. I’ve told him multiple times that I would love another gesture like that.
So to me it’s like… why did you get me red roses??? It shows a lack of… either caring, or effort, but definitely seems like… a lack of INTEREST. Which hurts.
But that’s why I don’t like these holidays. It creates this expectation, and this big opportunity to totally miss living up to expectations that we create both consciously and subconsciously.
I’ve kind of been feeling lately, a little bit, that maybe he’s not as interested in this relationship as he once was. Things have been fine between us – good even, but this feeling still seems to be there. And this Valentine’s Day just sort of highlighted that feeling I was getting from him.
We talked today about it. He said he feels like I’m too stubborn sometimes, and that I try to have things my way too much. Which I admit sometimes I can be that way. But he pretty quickly went from talking about this Valentine’s Day thing that happened to jumping to this issue he has with me personally in a broader context… which isn’t a good sign to me. It means that’s probably been on his mind bothering him for a while, but he hasn’t said anything. Maybe it’s been sitting with him for a while and giving him conflicting feelings about being in this relationship and that’s what I’ve been picking up on.
I dunno. Maybe I’m reading way too far into all of this. Alls I know is what I feel… which is kind of uneasy.
“severe empathy or paranoia?” -an extensive memoir by me
lol, yes, right on point. thanks for the chuckle and definitely a bit of both!