There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so. -- William Shakespeare


Swing High

Yesterday a friend invited me to a swingers party. I’ve never been to one, and neither has she, but we sort of first became friends because of our connection over our openness about sexuality. A few weeks ago while hanging out at my place we ended up watching this Netflix documentary about swingers. 


She’s a lesbian, she was engaged for a little over a year to a girl who she dated for a long time. She kept telling me that she wasn’t sexually satisfied in their relationship and really wanted to see if her fiance would be into opening up the relationship. But she “KNEW” her fiance wouldn’t be into it. I kept telling her that it sounded like a tough spot to be in, and if her girlfriend truly wasn’t down for that kind of thing, then the relationship probably wouldn’t end well – it might have a chance if their sex life was at least decent, but by the sounds of it it wasn’t decent at all. She wasn’t getting any satisfaction from it.


Anyway, that’s her personal story, so whatever. I didn’t see my friend, let’s call her T, for like a couple months, and when I saw her again she told me that she’d broken up with her fiance. They were close and she loved her but she realized that the sexual incompatibility wasn’t going to work out for either of them in the long run. Better sooner than later, I say. 


So she was already clearly open to this idea, then we watch this documentary, and now she’s found a Mardi Gras themed party that’s happening in our tiny little town out here (wow!). I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t interested. 


I’m so tempted. I’m so curious… and, I kinda like the idea of being with other people.


But sort of like T’s situation, I really don’t think Jeff would be down for it. Or maybe he would. I probably shouldn’t assume. Even if I DID want to bring it up with him, it’d have to be… very gently. Slowly. Warm him up to the idea. Then eventually let him know that I’m interested in seeing what this is all about. 


But I honestly don’t even know if I’d want to swing. I just … don’t want to rule it out as a possibility for something I might enjoy doing from time to time? 


I read something somewhere a while back that said that given the choice between having sex with the same person but in a different position each time the rest of your life, or having sex with a different person but in the same position (I think they specified missionary) the rest of your life, most men surveyed said they’d choose the latter. And most women said they’d choose the former. If that’s true… hey, Jeff can get a different booty once in a while, and so can I, while still having a strong relationship between the two of us. That sounds great.


But things don’t always go how you imagine, I know. 


Anyway… I honestly don’t think I’ll go with my friend. Even as an observer. Although it has occurred to me that I could tell Jeff that I’m going, AS AN OBSERVER, with a friend who trusts me and asked me to go with her since she knows I’m open minded and it’s her first time. I’d of course admit that I’m also curious about what it’s like. But I’d firmly promise not to participate. Maybe even invite him along…?? As an ‘observer’ or just to enjoy the party, sans sexual encounters. 


Anyway, I’m also not sure how he’d react even to that since he knows T is a lesbian, and I am pansexual. There’s nothing sexual between she and I, but I know Jeff still doesn’t fully understand my sexuality. He’s very traditionally-minded, midwestern white hetero male. He’s not been exposed to this kind of stuff a lot. He’s aware of it like a lot of people, but it’s kinda like… his mind hasn’t been exposed really to the mental space it takes to understand certain things. That takes exposure over time, and a little effort at times. 


To kind of veer onto a different topic… I have noticed how his going to school has changed him a bit, so I know that exposure and personal exploration make a huge difference in creating understanding. He seemed a little closed minded to me about socioeconomic and racial issues when we first met, but his second semester of college (which he started 2 years after we were dating), he took a class where he did a research project on the projects of Chicago. He learned a lot through his research about the intersection of poverty and racism, and now he speaks up a lot against racism and criticism of people living in poverty. He’s still got his racist stripes here and there… but I see the progress. We all have our things. And we can create understanding through stuff like exposing ourselves to the realities of how people live and how things are interconnected through our lives. 


Anyway, just had to get some thoughts out. 







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