I said I'd try to do something in the spirit of my posts from long, long ago... Here we are, kind of.
Note: I found myself digressing quite a bit in writing this. For you, the reader, I have indented those places where I digress so you can just skip right over that part if you don't want to read my hoop-la. So feel free to read through this and totally skip over the paragraphs that are indented - the real purpose and idea of this is in the parts not indented. But, if something seems unclear or you're curious, try reading the indented text for elucidation.
I've generally been of the opinion that I am who I am and I'm just going to live my life, and everyone else should do the same. Whatever/whoever you are, cool, do your thing, as long as you aren't harming others.
But sometimes you can't do your thing, because there is a tide of laws, rules, stereotypes and conflicting social norms either trickling or raging against you as you try to swim forward in the stream of your life. For a long time I've just felt a trickle, and it was something I could deal with. But now I'm kind of feeling it turning into a raging river. It may not be totally raging just yet... but I can feel it coming, I can see the waters slowly changing indicating a waterfall up ahead.
I haven't made a real post on any controversial topic in years. I came to a point where there was one individual in this community whose opinions and point of view I looked up to and respected so much, I'm sad to admit that I became embarrassed and shy of posting my own developing opinions on here. I might post one thing one day, and the next week have some new piece of information or revelation that changed my thinking and feelings on the same subject. I was fearful of putting myself out there during this time lest I look fickle and stupid to others.
But there is something I have to talk about right now. And it's one of those topics that I hesitate on, but the fact is I do have something to say. My understanding and knowledge of the details will undoubtedly change because my understanding and knowledge on this topic is developing, but this is what I am thinking and feeling, at the moment...
I'm sure a lot of people are going to click away from this page right now because for fuck's sake this issue is so ... done, isn't it? Done not as in finished, but just beat into you by now. Many people feel strongly one way or another. Some don't really care.
Gay rights.
For a long time I've been one that cares, but just a little bit. Not a lot. Despite being what I choose to call 'bisexual' for ease of others' understanding, and despite my best friend of seven years and partner of over 2 years being transsexual, I've never been overly enthusiastic about LGBT issues or the community overall. I've kind of just accepted that part of myself as a part of my life and I live like anyone else, without over-identifying with one part of who I am.
But then there comes a time when one part of you that you have accepted, appreciate, and is an integral part of your life is being brought up in so many other people's conversation, in the country and society at large, and in a negative way that is discriminating and infringing on your life... well, you kind of get sick of it and want it to stop.
I mention using the term 'bisexual' for ease of others understanding. There are some people who can't even understand the concept of bisexuality so it doesn't really help, but for those of you who do, let me explain a bit further really quick... Probably a more appropriate term is pansexual. I am open to loving somebody and having a partnership with them regardless of their biological sex or gender identity. You're a straight man? Alright. I can go with that. You're a lesbian transsexual woman? I can go with that too.
When people think of sexuality, I think they too often get stuck on the 'sex' part of that word in the wrong way. The 'sex' in sexuality doesn't refer to having sex, or even what sex you have sex with. The 'sex' in 'sexuality' refers to biological sex, as in male or female. Nothing more. Would you prefer to have a relationship, likely involving sex but not necessarily solely based on sex, with someone who is biologically male, or female, or either, both, or anything?
To me, deciding not to be with my partner because he is transsexual is like deciding not to be with him because he has brown hair. Yes, there are some challenges that may arise, especially if you are with someone pre-transition, and those challenges may bring the relationship to break. But overall, being with him is like being with anybody else. I'm talking about saying, "oh, she has brown hair... I don't do the whole brown hair thing..."
I've said it before: when we fall in love with somebody, we are not in love with a blonde, we are not in love with a brown-eyed person, we are not in love with an American, we are not in love with a black person, we are not in love with someone with size 8 shoe or even with a man or a woman. We are in love with a person. An individual. Nobody is one thing. I don't think anyone is even the sum of their parts.
For example I am not the sum of simply being biracial, brown-skinned, a woman, American, pansexual, pagan, a witch, vegetarian, 20 years old, a bastard child, 140 pounds, from Southern California, etc. I am each of those things, but somebody who is also each and every one of those things is going to be a different person than me, because every moment of their life has still been different than mine. If my little sister was also pansexual, became pagan, started practicing witchcraft, was 20 years old and weight 140 pounds, she'd still be a completely different person than me. She sees the world through different eyes. She process the information in the world around her differently and draws different conclusions from that information than me.
I'm suddenly feeling this urge to do something. I see a future where same sex couples will be viewed pretty much like biracial couples are today. There is still some stigma and unease around biracial couples these days, in some places much more than others, but generally they are accepted and we're okay with it, even if we do have to give our minds just a quick second to adjust sometimes when the racial difference is more glaring. It's something you'll probably notice, but it's okay and we move past it to really get to know the people.
I don't think most people would shake hands with someone and think hello Lisa's *ASIAN* boyfriend. Unless you live in some parts of the country, we don't really go home and discuss, "hey, so what about Lisa's boyfriend being Asian? I mean, he's handsome and all... but god, he's Asian!" or make speculating jokes about what special or unusual attributes one of them must have to draw the other person to be in such an unconventional relationship with them, besides just falling in love with someone we're drawn to like any straight, non-biracial couple would.
I'm not sure I completely understand what some people see when they see a same-sex couple, when they thing of a same-sex relationship. Do they really not realize that these couples, these relationships, aren't really different than any straight relationship?
And why the hell does a majority get to decide what some others get to do? Some of these people defend themselves and their oppressive rules by saying they aren't really keeping same-sex couples from doing anything. "We really don't care what you do in your bedroom. We aren't trying to stop you from having a relationship. We just don't want you to call it marriage." First of all, a relationship doesn't take place just inside the bedroom, so people really need to pull themselves away from this whole sex obsession. And good for you that you aren't trying to stop us from even having relationships, because that would never happen.
I have never even wanted to get married, and the only reason I would is because of the benefits financially and legally. I would get married to someone not for love, because I will love them whether or not we have a license, but because I am committed to them and to having a life with them to the point of being willing to be legally tied to them. That's how I see marriage. Marriage is a commitment, yes. To me it's saying, I'm committed to our relationship and life together to the point that I want you be the person with foremost responsibility for me if something happens to me, I'm in the hospital, if I die, our money, and I want us to be able to live where we want to live.
Sure I could go with Diego to Vermont, Connecticut, Iowa or Massachusetts and get married, but if I wanted all the benefits of that marriage I'd have to remain in the state, and I better not expect my federal government to recognize my marriage. Oh, don't want to live in Connecticut, where you got married, you say? Well how about New York? Don't want to live there either? Oh well, I guess you're shit out of luck. Well now, this is really starting to get in the way of my pursuit of happiness, and I'm starting to feel significantly less liberated....
I read an article with the ever common statement from someone saying, "My religious tradition says homosexuality is an abomination." My immediate, immature impulse is fuck your religion, and my mind says you're an abomination! That's not nice, though, of course, and it's not right.
I'm just wondering what these religions exactly teach these people so that they think they have any right whatsoever to impose their own personal way of life on others. There's a saying among pro-choice advocates: Don't believe in abortion? Don't have one. Or something to that affect. That's a whole other issue but that can super easily move over to this issue: Don't believe in same-sex marriage? Don't have one! But who the fuck are you to tell me I can't have some basic legal rights with my partner that are recognized across the country? Who the fuck are you?? Nobody. Your religion? To me the religious argument is like saying, "I read this book my nephew wrote where this fairy, who claimed the magical willow tree spoke to him, said that two people with the same genitals and brain chemistry couldn't marry at the fairy's house because the fairy thought it was weird and yucky and well... JUST WRONG! Ew! My nephew is a really great kid so I think he might have a point and well... I don't think you and Tina should be allowed to get married." ...Uhm.... what??
That's what it sounds like to me. To me.
The fact is, marriage isn't centered all around religion (specifically the Christian religion) anymore. I'm not familiar with the history of marriage as it relates to religion, but it looks to me like marriage is something that takes place between people of all religions, and those who are not religious at all. If you want to keep marriage sacred as it relates to your religion/Christianity, then why no crusade to stop Pagans and atheists from desecrating marriage? The fact is, marriage provides couples with a lot of legal and financial benefits. We believe that those benefits should be available to every person, and every pairing of persons, without borders.
The extent of this is starting to get scary and ridiculous. Like I said in the beginning, I've never been into being a part of the LGBT community. I just live my life. But this is something I'm starting to feel like I'm ready to fight for. The religious are organizing against equal rights for us, and we need to organize equally as strong. I'll keep in mind to not look at this as "us against them" but rather as "us for us". Whoever is against same-sex marriage, it doesn't matter. The point is not to be against them. The point is to fight for our rights.
Ah... I've been writing this for hours now, thinking, thinking... I got a book earlier this week from the library called When Gay People Get Married: What Happens When Societies Legalized Same-Sex Marriage. I'm really looking forward to reading that and you'll surely see me talk more about this as I make my way through that book.
I think my uncle got it right with regard to marriage this last time. Live with someone for twenty-odd years, and if you still get along after that, it's probably safe to get married.
Regarding gender, race, etc., I simply think human sexuality is too complex an issue to be legislated one way or the other.
You're right, it is too complex. And not just sexuality as far as who we are attracted to but also biological sex - even that can often be fluid and isn't really as clear-cut and definite as we like to think it is. I don't really think it should be an issue one way or the other, but it has been made one...
It's an issue that I mostly ignore. I'm not terribly invested in it, and frankly don't think it's much of my business. I'm heterosexual, but not afraid to say that there are some men out there that are pretty good looking. I'm probably somewhere between one and two on the Kinsey scale. Of course, if I don't meet any nice girls, single in the next decade or so, I may stop discriminating!
We are in love with a person.
I agree with everything you said. Don't like gay marriage? Don't have one. But don't tell someone else that they can't.
Very well written.
I like the term pansexual instead of bisexual especially in your case.
I learned alot from my relationship with lisa this year.
What I learned was you can have deep love , sex and compassion with a person who is NOT like you Emotionally or in most political issues. Lisa is a business first and in most ways traditional kind of person very much a non-socialist. Yet Lisa would indiovdually care for others more than my friends who all hold the same political views as me. Her boys are either very heterosexual or vwery homosexual yet their care and compassion was the same.
So those things we are told not to talk about.. sex religion and politics dont really matter when compared to compassionate relationships. That is what truly matters.
*applause* I love this post. It is so honest.
mindsay
