There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so. -- William Shakespeare

 





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Heavy

My sister gets out of rehab in 30 days. Well – it was supposed to be 30 days, but my mom just called and told me it got pushed back 2 weeks. 

Every time I think about it, I get emotional. 

 

My sister’s been in rehab multiple times. Jail, multiple times. 

This is sort of her last shot. 

But more than that – I just want to see my sister be happy. I realized the other day, when thinking about all of this, that I don’t think I’ve ever really seen my sister truly happy and normal in my living memory. She first started going off the rails at 14, so I was about 10. Before that, my memories of her are usual sibling stuff – she’d scare the crap out of my little sister and I with the vacuum, I was jealous of her cool bedroom, stuff like that. 

 

I feel like… it’s time. And my heart ACHES, it truly ACHES to see her live a normal life. To see her happy. I want that for her, because she’s my sister, and I love her. I want it for HER. God.. my eyes are tearing up right now thinking about all this…

 

 

So, last night, I cried. Really hard. Like, I couldn’t breath. 

 

I was thinking about my mom. And the fact that I feel like I’ve been a terrible daughter at times. And I was thinking about telling her how sorry I feel for not being there for her more when her dad died a few years back, and when her significant other died. We all sort of just… ignored it. Which I am so deeply, deeply ashamed of. I don’t know if I’ll ever be free of this regret and shame, but I need to at least tell her, while I can, that I am so sorry. 

 

Her father was the one person in her life who she felt truly understood her and was there for her no matter what. She doens’t have a great relationship with my grandmother. She loved her father deeply. You probably notice I keep calling him “her father”, no “grandpa”…. because he was never really much of a grandpa to me. Which there’s no hard feelings there. That’s just the way it was, the way it worked out. We weren’t close. But I know that they were close. They talked on the phone all the time, and she had only praise for him. When he died, it hit her hard. And none of my sisters or I hugged her, or said we were sorry, or did anything to help her at that time and be there for her. We just let her suffer alone, and turned the other way. Because we had other family stuff going on. But those are the fucking times that you put that shit aside and you fucking be there for one another. And I feel so terrible that I wasn’t there for her…. 

 

I was just out of high school when her significant other died. The man she wanted to be with and marry, the only man she could fathom being with and fell in love with after her husband, my older sister’s dad, died 20 years earlier. 

 

My poor mother has been through so fucking much in her life… and I have this awful feeling that she’s not got a whole lot of time left here with us. She’s 55 now and doesn’t take very good care of herself. She drinks and smokes a lot, and doesn’t exercise at all, and doesn’t eat very healthy. I expect any day to find out she’s got some kind of terrible cancer or something. 

 

I just want to see the people that I love be happy and well. 

 

Then there’s my little sister, who I worry about too, so much. I get so fucking pissed at her because I wish she’d get her fucking shit together so my mom can stop worrying. I wish both my sisters would get their fucking shit together so my mom can stop worrying and focus on making HERSELF happy for ONCE. 

 

 

Life just feels heavy right now. Really fucking heavy. 

 

 

 
 


 
 



 
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