I took my walk.
I was ready to leave, not knowing exactly where I was going, but just that I wanted to go. Just then my mom mentioned that she wished we had some creamer for her coffee. I told her to give me some money and I'd go to the store and buy it for her. She gave the money and it was off to the grocery store I went.
I thought I wanted to go on a walk to think, but instead... I just had a blank mind the whole time and came home feeling somewhat better, even though I didn't work anything out in my head. Maybe what I worked out was that there is nothing to work out. This is just the way I am. Maybe this is just how I experience the world and I can't really change that. If I try to, I will just end up driving myself crazy like what happened last night. I broke down last night. I feel okay today, although it sucked to come back home, come into my room and close the door behind me, back into this old reality. Maybe I need to just create a new reality. I like this, but it is so dead sometimes. I need to be more alive. Maybe I will walk more. Just walk everywhere. It was nice.
I don't really know what to do now. I'm obviously still blogging. I still don't want to listen to music. Or watch any film. I just need to see things differently, from a different place. I think that is another reason I wanted to go on the walk. Just to be out of my normal every day shithole.
I've done a lot of things for many years. It started when I was about 13 years old, and it has been all I've known ever since. It's how I live my life, but now, all of the sudden, out of nowhere... I feel like I don't want that anymore. I don't want to talk to myself anymore, I don't want to pretend anymore, I don't want to project anymore... and it's not like I wanted to in the first place. I just did. It's just what I did, how I was. But now I want something different, and it's hard to change that. Part of the wanting is somethign that I wish I could change but can't seem to, another part of it is just the fact that I am done, like the pretending. The literal pretending, not the pretending in my mind. The pretending in my mind is what I can't stop, the literal pretending is what I seem to be done with. I seem to be. Right now.
I'm hoping this will all fall away like my lying did. I used to lie a lot. I still come up with them, in my mind, but I don't put them out for other people anymore. Instead they stay in my mind, and that's what the problem is. I create them and they just stay there, never getting out.
Maybe I could write them. Write them down as fiction stories. I think I need to get them out somehow. Maybe that will be the answer to how to stop what is going on in my head. It is worth a try.
It's like daydreaming. Pretty much all of us daydream, but it is different with me.
Ok, well no. Maybe it is not like daydreaming.
Here is what happens:
Say I am on the bus. I cannot experience being on the bus unless I imagine someone cares that I am on the bus at that particular moment and that the moment is being saved in time and they will know some time in the future that I was on the bus and what happened and they can see and they will care. I can't experience being on the bus unless I experience from this fantasy view.
Walking. I was just walking, right? And I had a few thoughts finally going through my head as I got closer to my apartment and I couldn't think the thoughts unless I thought them as if I was writing them, either in first person or third person perspective. Like this: "She liked walking on the sidewalk and listening to the birds. It made her angry, though, that the roaring cars on the road were making the birds sound so faint. She didn't like the cards. She stepped off the curb and walked across the parking lot. Some woman in a window watched her. She didn't like the woman either." You get the point. I can't experience a moment in my life unless it is in this form either. Sometimes it is in first person, but it is still as though I am writing it, I'm not all there, "I liked the coat, but it was not long enough to cover my arms. I liked the feel it gave me though. A feeling of independence. So I wore it." I will think these sorts of things AS I AM DOING IT. I thought that, for example, as I was looking at myself in the mirror and putting on my scarf, getting ready to go. I couldn't think about how I felt about the coat or what I thought about it or experience the coat unless I put it in this form, as if I was writing it and the moment I was living in was a moment of the past.
To put it simply, I feel like I am living in a novel or film most of the time. And there is always the reader or the viewer, and the novel or film wouldn't exist without the reader or viewer... and that is why I am never alone.
What I'm scared of is what will be left once all of this is gone (if it ever is). This is ALL THERE IS for me. What will I have then? What will it be replaced with? What is life like for you? How does the world look to you? How do you feel inside when you are experiencing the world? Does your mind steal from you all of your experiences, too? I can't imagine... what it would be like... to not be like this.
There's no answer right now. I just don't know what to do. All I want to do, honestly, is write. I have no desire to do anything else. I guess I could read. Reading actually sounds nice.
-Liv-
walk
