brooding in bensonhurst

hello folks...today is a bad day so now i can vent and rant all i want. this is my first blog on this site, and dont know if ill keep this up. anyway im 27 years old, and dont know if i want to bother hanging on. my fucking depression, and anxiety, and restless insanity is not worth it. what fucking good can i do with this shit ive inherited, yes thank you my prior generations of ancestors whove given me rotten nerves, there rotten and rusted, burned out and fried, slowly decomposing, i want to fucking spit on them all. motherfuckers, all i feel is pain, and pain, and to make matters worse ive got a hypersensitivity to all medications, and cant even take a lousy vitamin to assist me with some releif. so what now. what am i supposed to do, i cant even serve others, my brain is so unpatient and rotten to the core. well ive been thinking asbout this now for some time, i need to make at least athousand dollars which is enough for a pistol permit here in new york city, plus a descent handgun. one that wont jam, and will hopefully blow my head clean off. you see not only are gunshots the most efficient method for suicide - about 92 percent succesfull, but the root of my evil is in my head, i need to destroy my head, and never make children i will be damned if i give this to someone else. no the fucking buck stops here, i will bear the final burden of all of my family's sickness, but please god let it stop here. fucking hate, pain, despair, fuck it all fuck it all fuck it all.

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Kage16 on

Re: brooding in bensonhurst

So you wanna kill yourself? Me too. Ive done lots of shit that i regret. Personally, I like razors. Ive taken them to my arms,legs,wrist everyday for 2 years and I can never fucking finish it. Ive tried drowning myself, suffocating myself, hanging myself. I was so close to jumping out of a car but something holds me back. dont know what. My life is one fucked up life and no one can fucking help me. Its stupid really! Why the fuck am i living if Im just gunna die later? Whats the fucking point of trying to be happy now?

Im always depressed and my parents say its not good to show my emotions so that made me bipolar. I fucking beat the shit out of myself for anything. I hate life so much and no one can understand. everyone I know looks at life as the ebst thing ever but look at how fucked up its making me? Well I hope to talk with you again.

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deezull on

Re: brooding in bensonhurst

hey ... sorry to hear that. i dont know your situation, but man why do we need to have this negativity around us. we dont really...for some of us though it requires alot of work. but then i start to just believe we are all victims of our physiology, but i dont know if i want to gamble and see if thats true or not. im really stuck right now man, so stuck , so imobile, i feel like i just dont know what move to make. its weird i dont know. but look on the bright side, im sure you can keep your shit in check with the right meds, id sell my soul just to be able to ingest meds and supplements. i swear id burn in hell just to rein on earth. one fucking day god please, cant you give me one more day in the sun? we deserve a day in the light...one way or another . but then again 90 percent of the cosmos is dark matter and energy, so dark, so fucking dark, all i wish is for light. fuck, fuck, let there be fucking light.

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Kage16 on

Re: brooding in bensonhurst

Thats funny. I hate the light and youw ant it so bad. I feel like you can see how how much I truely hate living in the light. at least in the dark no one can see who I really am and how much I am truely hurting. Meds would be nice but my parents just sya Im moody because Im a teenager and blah blah blah. Thats makes my shit ven worse. I dont know if I could get help right now. My life is so messed up. there is one thing that I want to live for. I want to be a rock star. I want to play guitar forever and be at a concert forever because I feel happy there. I feel like there isnt a single thing that could hold me back and I can be me. Im lieing to everyone I know. They odnt realize how much suffering I have in my soul. It feels like ther is just an empty hole inside now. Nothing. I want to just sink away into absolute darkness.