Entry #5

The decent, civil conversation from Saturday, the tentative kindness and reluctant but comforting embrace, what I thought might be a step in the right direction all fell apart again yesterday.

I tried to start a conversation in the spirit of what was said on Saturday, to expand on that and try to bring her closer again. But suddenly, all the blame was being placed on me again. I'm not saying I'm not to blame, I know I have things to work on, but the difference in her attitude, her outlook, from Saturday to Sunday was like night and day. I got frustrated, I got angry. I didn't mean to, didn't want to, but it happened. And, I don't mind. I think she needed to see me show some anger. She needed to hear some of the things I had to say. But, she didn't like it. As soon as the discussion gets difficult, as soon as she loses a little bit of all the control she's had over the whole situation, she tries to walk out the door again. She needs to be talking, we need to be communicating, but she can't do it. I don't know who she's talking to. She barely talked to E, she won't talk to C after she told her she was making the biggest mistake of her life, she won't go to counseling, and she wants her space from me.

I may have said a couple things I didn't really mean, and I fear I may have pushed her even farther away, but a part of me doesn't care anymore. I'll keep trying, keep fighting for this, but there's also a part of me that figures if she's giving up, what's the point of trying anymore? I mean, I'm so lost, so confused by everything, I just don't know what to do anymore.

I don't think she knows what's going on, don't think she knows what she wants. The difference in her from Saturday to Sunday is proof of that.

I don't know, I've been talking about it so much today and going over so much in my mind, I can't write any more tonight. I'm just too lost, too hurt to go over it anymore.

One last thought.. Does she think that if I had known she was hurt and unhappy, that I would have done nothing to change that? But, I couldn't see it, and she doesn't say anything, so here we are.