One other thing before I type the first entry.  I realized this morning that I don't think there's any part of me anymore that's wishing for her to come back.  I've reached the point where I know that this is how it's going to be, and if that's the case, I just have to keep moving forward.  I deserve better than this.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

It was suggested to me today that I should start a journal of sorts to help me deal with the situation that K and I are going through.  After tapping out part of an email to my mom, I realized it felt good to get some of my feelings in writing.  So, here we are.  Where do I begin?  Start Thursday night, or from now, today?  I guess it will go where it goes and will cover whatever I need to get out.  Maybe it won't be in order, maybe it won't all be coherent or make a lot of sense.  That's ok, it doesn't need to be in order to serve the intended purpose.  Why I'm writing this intro at all - I don't know.  I guess I'm feeling alright at the moment, but I know that when I dive into all this again, the pain will surface.

There are two main times when it's the hardest right now.  One is thinking of all the things we used to do together and the things I want to do in the future with her by my side.  I can't bring myself to the realization that we may never do anything together ever again.  Of course, that is just one of many things I simply cannot fathom.

The other hard time is going to bed.  I've been letting myself fall asleep in the basement watching TV so that when I finally go upstairs, I can just crash into bed.  If I try to go to bed like normal, it hurts too much without her on the other side of the bed.

The last two mornings have been much more difficult than I expected, just because she's not there getting ready next to me.  By the time I get to work, I'm so overwhelmed by a sense of despair that I don't know how to start the day.  I make it, and I get going, but it takes awhile.

My God, the ups and downs are killer.  I'll be thinking, "she's gonna come home, she's got to come home."  Before long, I swing and it's the complete opposite.  Suddenly I'm thinking, "that's it, it's over, she's never coming home."  I don't know how to deal with the latter.  It still feels like a bad dream.  This isn't supposed to be us.  We're supposed to be a great, happy couple, we're supposed to be together forever.

Music... damn music.  Seems like I can't listen to anything without some kind of pain.  Linkin Park is stuck in my car's player, and I love the CD, but I can't believe how many lines feel like they fit my life right now.  For instance:

I don't know what to think,

Thought I was focused

But I'm scared

I'm not prepared

I hyperventilate

Looking for help somehow, somewhere

And no one cares

I'm my own worst enemy

So tonight I bought a new Lifehouse CD.  Thought new music would be good.  No memories.  Good idea, wrong CD choice.  The whole album is my life right now.  One song is called "Whatever It Takes."  I wish I could get K to listen to it - it's so me:

I'll do whatever it takes

to turn this around

I know what's at stake

I know that I've let you down

And if you give me a chance

Believe that I can change

I'll keep us together, whatever it takes

No lyrics could fit me better right now.  Coincidence that I found them today?

I did come to a realization today.  It's not the outcome I want, but if she decides she no longer loves me, perhaps I can take some solace in the idea that if she could just quit our marriage this way, maybe she isn't the person I thought she was.  Only a thought, mind you.  The fact of the matter is that I love her with every bit of myself and still want to share my whole life with her.  I guess I'm just trying to prepare myself for the worst. 

Ok, I could continue writing, probably fill this whole book, but the parents called and now laundry is waiting to be folded before bed.  Maybe more tomorrow.  I wish I was saying goodnight to her.  There's so much I miss.