The mourning process is like this... give yourself time, accept the set-backs as part of the healing... you are getting stronger.

I know to expect that I'm still going to have bad days, but even knowing that, when they actually occur, it really hits me.  It's hard to get used to.  But you're right, I am getting stronger, I can see that.  Thanks.

I have some thoughts on this, but as I'm stuck at work right now, I don't think I'll get to them until I get home from work tonight.  Until then.... I'm sorry you're in a sucky place right now. 

I'm doing better right now.  A friend of mine who lives in CA just called that I haven't talked to in a couple weeks, and just getting away from work today made me feel a little better, but I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Glad to hear that you're better at the moment.    Sometimes you just need to get out of the environment that's dragging you down, and it sounds like the phone call helped until you actually got to leave.

OK, before I share my thoughts on this, I'm going to give you the brief synopsis of what I've been through, because you probably don't know the details.  I promise there will be a point to this, and that point is not to turn what is about you into something about me.  I just figure knowing what I've been through might help you realize that I can relate to a lot of what you're feeling.

I met a guy on MindSay in November 2004.  I moved from Montana to Boston in June 2006 to be with him.  Then, last summer, his career brought him here so I followed.  Three weeks after I moved here, he told me it was over because he was getting married (arranged marriage).  Thirty-six hours later I said goodbye at the airport as he flew home to get married, and the wedding was three days after that.  I'd spent years, gone through hell (it was a complicated relationship, to put it mildly), and moved across the country and again just weeks before (abandoning a job and friends I loved) to be with him, only to get 36 hours notice of his leaving me and less than a week's notice of his wedding to someone he didn't even love.

So, bringing that all back to you and your situation, I guess I'm trying to say that I completely understand how it feels to be hit out of the blue like this by the one you love, and to be the one left behind trying to put together a life completely different from the one you had planned.  I know the emotional roller coaster and the bargaining with God or the Cosmos or whoever might be listening to just please fix it.  I know what it's like to be having a great time, and realize it and feel bad about the fact I'm having a great time because I thought I'd always be miserable without this person.  (Truth be told, I actually felt terrible driving home from dinner with you guys on Sunday - he had made my last couple birthdays really wonderful, and I hated myself for having a lot of fun this year without him.)  I hated myself the first time I was attracted to someone else because it felt like a betrayal to the promise I'd made myself and this person when we were together.  It bothered me a lot that I was looking at someone else as a potential romantic partner when I didn't think I'd ever look at someone that way again.

I obviously don't know what it's like to be married to someone and deal with all that a legal separation and likely divorce entails, though.  But from what I see, you handle it as well as could be expected.  I've felt terrible about your situation since I was first told about it and think that what she did to you sucks.  You're her husband... she's your wife.... and she did what she did and said what she said, and you didn't deserve it.  You didn't lie to her, abuse her, cheat on her... you've been a good loving husband, and she walked out on someone who had vowed to take care of her for the rest of her life.  Honestly, I think some day she'll realize she made a huge fucking mistake, and it'll be too late.  Because there comes a day when you realize, it is too late.  I don't remember the day it hit me, but it did.  I felt like if he called me up and said that it was over with his wife, that he loves me and is ready to commit to me now like he couldn't before, I wouldn't take him back.  I can't trust someone who hurt me like that.  I still love him and always will, but I accept that it's over.  (But I'll admit that even today, nine months after he left, it still hurt for me to write those words.  I accept it, but I don't like it.)

I can't tell you not to beat yourself up when you're attracted to someone else, but I can tell you that from my perspective, it's OK.  As you said, parts of you have subconsciously accepted this new reality and in small ways you're getting used to a life without her, and one of those ways is by looking at women again.  If you don't feel ready to act on it, whether it's because you're still married or because you're just simply not ready, than don't.  I actually think it's good that being attracted to someone else while still legally married bothers you... it's a testament to how seriously you took those vows and how much they still mean to you.  I was truthfully surprised at myself that I began dating after six months alone; I didn't think it would be that quickly.  Obviously that didn't work out, but it was a small step towards my new reality, and you'll get there when it's time for you.  You might find someone next week you'd like to take out, you might not feel ready for a year or two.  Three even.  Who knows?  It's your life and you'll know when it's right.

Now that I wrote you a reply that's probably four times as long as your entry, I'll finish up.  I know we still don't know each other that well, but I'm here for you.  If you ever want someone to vent to that has an idea what you're feeling but is somewhat removed from the situation in that I didn't know you before and have never met your wife, I'm here.  I can even keep my trap shut and just listen sometimes if that's what you want.    You already have my email, and Six and the girls have my phone number, if you ever need an actual ear.  Take care of yourself, and have a good weekend. 

I've been meaning to reply to this, and haven't had the chance, but thanks for your comments.  I just wanted you to know your words haven't gone unheard.  What you said makes sense, and I appreciate you taking the time to write.

Oh, and on a completely different topic...

I was meandering around the web the other day, and I found out we should have stayed and watched the credits after Harold & Kumar.  We missed some NPH stuff at the end.  Boo.

Well now we'll have to rent it and watch it again when it comes out on DVD.

Schweet.

Honestly, I would worry about you more if you didn't still feel awful at times. I respect you for it, too.

Yeah, there's some truth to that.  Going through rough spots is normal for something like this.

It's normal and healthy. Especially given how sudden and unexpected everything was. I admire how you've been handling everything.

Thank you, that's actually really nice to hear.

Its so weird how there are good days and bad days. Im sorry sweetie. Dont feel like just cause 6 is out of town that we cant hang out!!! Call me.. you know I am always here

It is, but luckily there seems to be an increasing number of the good days. 

Thats great!!!

And how about you?  How's it going for you lately?

I have actually been doing well. This weekend was a lot of fun. I think telling him that we cant be friends was a good thing....

Good, I'm glad to hear it   I haven't figured out how the whole "friends" thing is going to work for me, especially when we have so many mutual friends.

I dont think it is possible for a while. Until the pain goes away, you know what I mean...

Yeah, I agree.  It just makes things difficult.  The policy most of our mutual friends are taking right now is to invite both of us to things and let us figure out how we're going to handle it.  I can't blame them for doing it that way, but it sucks.

yea, leave the work to you.. haha