relationshipsI'm feeling a little frazzled, a little frayed at the edges. I need a break, but I don't know any way to get one. Doomkitty wonders why I have few friends, and there are several answers, but one is that there are already too many demands on my time. I know that seems odd, as I spend most of my time here, but the pressures I feel are very real. I want to be in a place where I'm not responsible to anyone for just a short while, where I can have a weekend without wondering if my father or someone from the church is going to call.
Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy talking to those people, on my own terms and at my own convenience. I know they are concerned for me and want to know that my life is going well. I just don't like people calling to check up on me, no matter how good their intentions are. My mother must've realized this, as she dropped nearly all pressure of this nature, and the result is that I call her two or three times a week, and have visited with her nearly every weekend.
There's a kind of mental pressure exerted on me, and I don't like it. It just makes me want complete and total freedom, but the only ways to do that, really, would be ceasing communications entirely, hurting feelings, ending relationships... No, the alternative isn't worth it. But still, the pressures weigh on me.
I put enough pressure on myself as it is. My problem is that I can't consider an action without considering other people, without thinking about how it affects their hearts and their minds, and the other consequences of my actions. So I feel the need to placate people, assuage their fears, assure others that all is well, even if it isn't. It's a sham, it's false, and I hate it. I want to be completely open and honest with people, and there are few who can handle that. Okay, one. Well, maybe not even that.
Why are people so afraid of honesty? Why do they feel it's necessary to keep secrets? Perhaps that's what it comes down to: I don't want to be responsible for the secrets of others, for keeping things from people. I don't want to have to hide anything from anyone, and I just don't have the freedom to do that.
And in my present situation, I can't be that with anyone. It's one of the reasons I long so for a relationship with Doomkitty again: if we were together, I wouldn't feel the need to hold anything at all back from her, and I could really be myself, if only for a little while.
But right now, there is no one with which I can be truly myself, no one I can really trust. Blogging like this is therapeutic, but I still feel the need to censor myself for the sake of others, not necessarily because I've been asked to, but because I know that's what they want. And what good is it to be oneself when one is alone? A life unshared is a life unlived. And right now I can only share parts of myself with certain people, other parts with others.
Things are nowhere near as bad as they were. I'm not slipping into depression, I'm just feeling a bit worn out and frustrated at situations seemingly beyond my control. Moments like this tell me a lot about myself, pointing out yet more flaws that need work. It'll never be finished, but by God I'm going to try.
In the meantime I will endure, passing the time and trying to calm my mind and heart long enough to focus on things like my Latin and poetry studies, my short stories and novel, and the writers' group. I can't afford to lose it, can't afford to fail, but part of me wants to.
What I probably need is just a good long cry.
Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy talking to those people, on my own terms and at my own convenience. I know they are concerned for me and want to know that my life is going well. I just don't like people calling to check up on me, no matter how good their intentions are. My mother must've realized this, as she dropped nearly all pressure of this nature, and the result is that I call her two or three times a week, and have visited with her nearly every weekend.
There's a kind of mental pressure exerted on me, and I don't like it. It just makes me want complete and total freedom, but the only ways to do that, really, would be ceasing communications entirely, hurting feelings, ending relationships... No, the alternative isn't worth it. But still, the pressures weigh on me.
I put enough pressure on myself as it is. My problem is that I can't consider an action without considering other people, without thinking about how it affects their hearts and their minds, and the other consequences of my actions. So I feel the need to placate people, assuage their fears, assure others that all is well, even if it isn't. It's a sham, it's false, and I hate it. I want to be completely open and honest with people, and there are few who can handle that. Okay, one. Well, maybe not even that.
Why are people so afraid of honesty? Why do they feel it's necessary to keep secrets? Perhaps that's what it comes down to: I don't want to be responsible for the secrets of others, for keeping things from people. I don't want to have to hide anything from anyone, and I just don't have the freedom to do that.
And in my present situation, I can't be that with anyone. It's one of the reasons I long so for a relationship with Doomkitty again: if we were together, I wouldn't feel the need to hold anything at all back from her, and I could really be myself, if only for a little while.
But right now, there is no one with which I can be truly myself, no one I can really trust. Blogging like this is therapeutic, but I still feel the need to censor myself for the sake of others, not necessarily because I've been asked to, but because I know that's what they want. And what good is it to be oneself when one is alone? A life unshared is a life unlived. And right now I can only share parts of myself with certain people, other parts with others.
Things are nowhere near as bad as they were. I'm not slipping into depression, I'm just feeling a bit worn out and frustrated at situations seemingly beyond my control. Moments like this tell me a lot about myself, pointing out yet more flaws that need work. It'll never be finished, but by God I'm going to try.
In the meantime I will endure, passing the time and trying to calm my mind and heart long enough to focus on things like my Latin and poetry studies, my short stories and novel, and the writers' group. I can't afford to lose it, can't afford to fail, but part of me wants to.
What I probably need is just a good long cry.
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Re: The Clemson Chronicles: First Day of Spring 2009 Semester! - yeah, i'm pretty excited for that course
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