dilemma

I haven’t played much piano lately. I needed a break from it. I got to one of those plateaus in learning that have always defeated me… that place where I could only go so far and then regression and anger. I’ll explain.

Allegro means clipping right along at a fairly fast rate. It is one of those Italian terms that classical musicians have used for centuries. There are lots of Italian words that tell what speed to play something or if the music is to be played loudly or softly or smooth and mellow or choppy and jagged sounding. Well, the ditty I was working on was named “Allegro” by Haydn. Right off the bat I knew this two-pager was to be played fast and because of other markings on the music I also knew it was to be played with a light touch with periods of loud followed by periods of soft, and a multitude of other picky little details that if done right, make music such a pleasure to listen to.

When I began practicing this piece I concentrated on learning the notes and fingering and progressed into the more difficult forms of expression. All the while I attempted to get faster and faster. Finally I got the thing almost to speed, but when I did that my fingering was lousy and the expression was not what was indicated by the music. I slowed back down and tried again. As long as I played the piece considerably slower than allegro, I could get all the other things right. But when I brought it up to speed I had no control of anything else. Back in forth I went. I could feel the frustration building until I lost all reasonableness and began shouting at the music, the piano, my fingers, and my inability to master this stupid two-page piece of music.

A few days later I spoke to the pastor I work for about this. He was preparing to teach a mid-week class on one of the seven deadly sins – anger. After I described all my feelings he said that I was anger about the something that lay between me and what I wanted to accomplish. I agreed. I explained that I often felt that God only gave me half talents – many things that I can do, but not do anything really well. He then asked me if I was angry at God. I pause and then agreed I was. I am. How can a person love God and be angry at God all at the same time? How can I resolve this? I really want to play the piano well, but how do I know if God indeed really only gave me half a talent and if so, what good is it if it only brings on frustration? Perhaps he actually gave me a whole talent, but I’ve never worked hard enough to master the instrument. How do I know?

So, all this is running around in my head when we hit the topic of prayer in my own Bible study. Obviously the thing to do is pray about this dilemma. But how do I approach God about it? Do I ask God for more talent or do I ask him to help me use the partial talent he did give me in some way for him. (I was a dismal failure the year I accompanied one of our children’s choirs several years ago, so don’t suggest that.) Or do I ask for a sign about the actual ability level in this area that he did give me so I won’t keep knocking myself out to do something I will never really be able to do or I’ll know to keep trying. I feel I need to be as honest as I can with this prayer, but I’m not even sure if it’s ok to say, “God, I’m really mad at you for giving me a half a talent when I would love to be able to play all the great church music written over the years.”

In the mean time, I’m staying away from serious practicing for awhile. I’m looking forward to some kind of resolution to this problem, but right now I feel like I've lost a friend.

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sandyquill on

Re: dilemma

Of course we can be angry at those whom we love. Start there. We can love the husband, and get mad at him. Does that lessen our love? No. We love our kids, but we get angry at them. Does it mean we don't love them? No. God gets angry at HIS kids and yet loves them forever. So of course he understands when we get angry.

The trick of anger is to accept the feeling as real, but not to act wrongly when you are angry. You have to explore the emotion, find the cause, and handle it in a way that is right.

Now, as to the "why" of your anger. You're feeling shortchanged by the Lord God Almighty. Gypped. You feel that you have half of something when you should have the whole thing.

What if...just for a thought...what if your talent is not music? What if that is not the talent, necessarily, that was supposed to be developed and nurtured and used in the service of God? What if it's a skill you have and a skill that is great and fun, but not THE talent of your life? If this is the case, then you are just like so many other people who are working hard at something for which they might not be 100% suited, you know?

What if your talent that God wants you to use in service to the kingdom -- for that is the primary reason we are given any gift or ability -- IS music? Does it follow that God will make the path of perfection easy for you?

Look at the role models we have in the Bible.

John the Baptizer: God made him to be a prophet, but then he sent them out in the desert where there wasn't anybody. John would have had to preach to sand and sagebrush for days, perhaps, before his voice was heard by a curious wanderer who would come and hear and be amazed by the teaching.

Moses: God intended for him to lead Israel. But first he had to get him out of Egypt. Moses was shunned by his own people (rightly, perhaps, but still) and forced into the wilderness. He had to work as a shepherd for a long time before God called him back to what would be his life's work. And even then, Moses balked.

And these are just two!

For me, I can say with a certainty that the gift God gave me to use for the kingdom was the gift of teaching. But I've enjoyed singing (I'm a good alto), acting (love it), leading worship (a joy and pleasure), administration, etc. I'm not, though, STUNNING in any of those. And even as a teacher, I have had times where nothing I said seemed to be bearing fruit, though I knew God had called me to say it.

Granted, that's not music, but in the realm of God's gifts to us, we have to look at them as he wants us to use them, not as what we expect of ourselves, you know?

Anyway. Gone on for ages. I just wanted you to know you'd been heard. If I can be of any use as a sounding board, please come knock on the door.

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crosslynk on

Re: dilemma

Thanks. As usual I will mull on your reply. It will take me awhile to digest everything.

I have done all sorts of "the arts" in church and was, I think, God directed to do all of it. Now some of those avenues have dried up and I have come to the place where I believe things happen sometimes for a season and now the season for some things has ended and I'm waiting to be directed into something different. I'm feeling some pull into teaching or perhaps some sort of mission-type ministry (although this will have to be tabled until Matt is out of high school).

The piano thing is because I love the instrument and marvel at those with the ability to play it well. I read music well; I understand exactly what I'm supposed to do, but my hands don't cooperate and never have. I have so much emotional stake in the outcome for some reason that I feel a constant sense I am going to fail... and I do (not surprisingly). Dyslexics, I understand, are never encouraged to play the piano because overcoming the perceptual problems of reading for both the right and left hand at the same time is extremely difficult. Instead, dyslexics are encouraged to play instruments with only one staff either the treble or the bass. Problem was when I began learning music no one considered that the problems I had in reading words would carry over into reading music. At that time also I didn't know I was dyslexic. All I knew was I didn't make the kind of progress I was thinking I should be making. So I think that's how it got all messed up in an emotional problem as well as a learning problem. At one time I wanted to be a voice minor in college, but my dad forbade that idea because he said since I couldn't play the piano I could not study music.

Lite1x has been asking me to go back to playing more guitar music with him and singing. This also seems to come about more in seasons. I would like us to find more musicians and get more into "contempory" types of music; however, I've found that most contempory types are young enough to think that folks our age just wouldn't fit in. Their loss; my frustration. Smiley