If you're all wondering where I've been, and I am sure all of you give a rat's ass, I went to Lake Tahoe to the family cabin for some R&R. I layed around alot, read some books and newspapers, and I ate until my heart was content. I even gambled, and I won again. I never lose. I won $800.00 on Keno, and I won $4,200 on Blackjack. The ex and I drove up together, and we finally decided to have a go at it again. She layed down the law though. These are the rules I have to live by if "I want things to work out this time".

Rule #1. No farting in bed, or at the dinner table.....the ex said the last time I farted on her hard wood dining room chair that it sounded like a loud siren going off, and she "found splinters in the chair the next day".

Rule #2. No eating in bed as she doesn't like crumbs all over the sheets.

Rule #3. I must lose at least 40 pounds because she doesn't want me to be "unhealthy".......I think that's her kind way of saying, "You're a fucking Lardass, lose it, or lose me".......

Rule #4. No snoring during sleep.

Rule #5. No drinking beer every night of the week.

Okay, so if she can make rules, so can I, and here they are as follows.

My Rule #1. I can fart at the dinner table, in elevators, in the car, at the grocery store, and especially in bed where I like to fart the most. I also told her I should be allowed to hold her head under the covers after an especially smelly fart.

My Rule #2. I will eat wherever the hell I choose, and she will serve me when I am hungry.

My Rule # 3. I will lose 40 pounds if and when I choose to lose 40 pounds, not when someone tells me I should for "health reasons". I love to eat, and I will eat when I want, and as much as I want.

My Rule # 4. I told her I would try not to snore if she tried not to breathe.

My Rule # 5. Beer, give it up? No fucking way Jose!

So I guess the ex and I won't be getting back together afterall, unless she can live by my rules.