i have no clue.

we get so close so often. body to body, taking a shower or sleeping nude or just laying naked.

but no sex, not yet.

we want it, both of us. but we refrain.

it has to be special, the first time he deserves and the first time i threw away and never got to have.

we almost did last weekend. i didn't know, but he had it all planned.

at my favorite place in the world. just me and him at that happy place i hold dear.

a finale to the amazing weekend we had, a preview of the rest of our lives.

all day all night friday to monday. heaven.

our own little house, a roomy 2 person tent to share.

body heat and warmed up skin to share, with nothing in between.

sleeping curled up in his arms, waking to his presence.

beautifulbeautifulbeautiful.

i finally found my place in the world and i knew, knew that he was the one.

and apparently i'm his one, too.

and that's why his rules changed. promises shifted.

should i feel guilty?

a week into the relationship he told me he was going to wait until marriage.

a gift for his wife.

now he says that was a vow made before he had ever felt like i make him feel.

made it for reasons that had nothing to do with him

that i'm going to be his wife, and why should it be now or later?

my body screams nownownow but i still doubt myself

i feel like i'm corrupting him or seducing him or something

although i'm the one that stops us when we get close

and, my, is that a fun game

talk about self control

i wish i had someone to talk to this about

but i have a hard time in confiding in anyone about this

i don't want to be judged or for anyone to think any less of me

i'm afraid of hearing all my doubts repeated

so right now i'll wait

it could happen tonight or it could happen in 2 years. i don't know.

all i know is i love kristopher with all my heart

and i want to do what's best for him

help please?