just the fear of being alone.

I have so much on my mind..I'm soo extremely tired, but I cannot sleep..of course. I'm getting my wisdom teeth out tomorrow, and I'm definetly NOT looking forward to it..(but it's better than work..)

 

I keep getting all these mixed signals. One second I think Jimmy doesn't like me, the next he's seriously asking me to work at Abe Lincoln with him in the summer..And it sucks because it makes me feel like I'm making a mistake for going to New Orleans...but I am going...I will not give that up for a boy..I know I'd regret it..but right now..I feel like I shouldn't go..

I want SO badly to be ready for a relationship, especially since I like someone and I think the reason I "just want to be friends" is because I know that no relationship will work out right now..with anyone..i'm just not ready..I don't know what I want..There have been times over break I wanted Ryan back, but I don't think that that's best..It's not what I really want...and I've been thinking..I am way too goddamn nice..when we were on a break last time, or broken up, whatever..he wasn't nice to me..he would talk if i called him, but he basically never called me..and if we hung out, it was way awkward....waaaay awkward...he wouldn't hold my hand or do anything....he hurt me..and I shouldn't feel bad because he's not the one I want..HE is the one that treated ME like shit..and now he will cry, or he'll tell me how much he misses me and beg for me back..and it breaks my heart..it makes me feel like complete shit because I was where he is..I really was..I was really upset and I just wanted him back..but I didn't handle it like that..it's not fair for him to make me feel bad because I never made him feel bad..I told him I'd wait for a while, but that I understood..and he tells me he understands but he doesn't..because if he did, he wouldn't do stuff like that...I told him a million times what was wrong/what bothered me in our relationship..he never did a thing about it, until now..and it's not going to last..if we get back together, it will just be how it was, and i'm so over that..I just can't see it working out between us..I really can't..at least not now..because things aren't ever going to change

 

I'm finally starting to not really care if I don't get married young..if it happens, that's good..but if not, that's okay..I'm going to hold out for what I want..

 

And right now, I have no idea what that is....

 

I'm tired..ahh....