I must start looking at myself. I have avoided myself for decades. I am caught in a vicious circle of inertia--and I have put myself here.
I am overweight.
I am out of shape.
I am sad.
I don't feel worthy of feeling well.
Some of this is conditioning, most of this is choice. I have chosen to be conditioned. I have copped out on myself. Until now.... or what passes for now.
I need to change. I need to be more healthy. I need to lose weight. I need to exercise. No brainers, right? They're no-brainers if you're already there. They are giant obstacles if you're standing in my shoes. Those three things are my Mount Everests. I am at war with myself and I am losing miserably.
I can't stand to look at myself in any mirror and avoid them at all costs. I won't have my picture taken. I avoid social situations because I am chock-full of self-loathing. This has GOT to change! This is not ME! I'd like to think I'm somewhat intelligent, have a fairly good sense of humor, and am not butt-ugly (underneath all this... this... me).
What's stopping me, you ask? Fear.
I fear what I'd be like were I smaller. I fear how people will react to me being smaller. I know how I feel now. I know I am miserable, but what am I going to be like in that proverbial "after" picture? Will I lose myself- my internal self? It's about the only piece of me I like!
I am stuck in the "better the devil you know" state of inertia.
Today I begin my Grand Metamorphosis.
Today I will exercise.
Today I will begin eating better.
Today I will begin the journey of ten thousand calories.
Today I weigh 270#
Today I am 5'6" tall
Today I am in my mid-forties.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
introspection
