love
I guess I've had alot of the stuff on my mind that I should've been posting and now it's cluttering my mind. I took a month long sabatical from dating. It was just getting ridiculous. I'm going to be turning 30 next weekend and some of my experiences lately have forced me to do things and then look at the effects of my actions. Example, two weeks ago I got so drunk at a club I was sweating buckets. This was not intentional and of course I was not there alone. The very next day, I attended a b-day party and was stone sober. I watched my friends get twisted....I didn't have that much fun lol. I'm unsure if it's because I wasn't drinking at all or if because I wasn't paired up with someone. Don't get me wrong, there's a guy interested in me in our circle of friends, but my first impression of him about a month ago was not impressive. He actually acted like decent guy..but again I think he was more sober than I. LoL
Lesson learned: I outgrew drinking excessively, although I've haven't drank like my friends for a while :)
Valentine's Day, I actually had a date, but I'm still unsure if it was worth it, since we just rented a movie to watch at his very spare apartment. The plus of the night: the guy was one of the finest men I have ever seen. Hell, the finest guy I've gone out with since I moved to this dreadful place.But ya know....pretty is what pretty does. So, yeah after a somewhat lame movie (Who is financing these damn Broken Lizard movies and why?), Tony Sunshine (A very hot Puerto Rican singer, yes the guy of story looks like him) decides to clumsily kiss and grope me. The worse kissing I've ever had. I was in shock. So, Mister Sunshine was very disappointed that he never did get to see what color and kind of drawers I had on. I left his apt shortly after he started fumbling with my belt buckle. No tact or finesse at all. If you been a long time reader of this blog you know the next line..... "...And I haven't hear from him since." But damn it he was fine as Hell!
Lesson learned: Yeah, I may look 25, but I really shouldn't expect much from fine ass 24 year olds.
There's a guy at work... Nice looking Blk guy, very uncommon looks, but handsome. I've been curious about him ever since I've started there, but I could never find out that much about him. You see, my employer is very Gay friendly, so you never know who's Gay unless you're all in their business or they volunteer it or they're flaming. I haven't had a clue if he's Gay or straight. He says Hi and Bye, but that's about it. I was told not too long ago that he's supposedly Gay. I still don't know. So, he's transferring to my department in a week and he's been around my cube a lot. I always try to play it off like I'm not curious about why he's trying to hold a conversation with me, but I am. Never thought he found me attractive, since I'm not sold on him being Gay. So, in two weeks since this transfer thing as been in the works, two people (temps) have asked me about him, as in "Does he like you?". You have to understand, my cube is not party central, normally only a few folks I'm cool with hang around me. Even the guy in the cube behind me asked me how come I don't go out with the Blk guy. I'm like dang. Of course I mention this to Abbey but she thinks he's Gay and that it's nothing. I have no idea what's up with that.
So, a couple of days ago, (we'll call him the Brotha, because he's like one of two Blk guys in the whole building, the other one's married LoL), comes over to my cube with Abbey, and we all get to talking. He mentions he's thinking of selling his condo because of the costs. I'm looking at him like are you fucking serious? You want to be a renter again? He's like....I'm too young to be a homeowner, I'll do it again when I'm older and have kids. At that moment a light bulb went off. Abbey didn't catch it but I did. He's not Gay. I know it's superficial for me to assume that but please understand that being Gay here is a lifestyle for the most part, and a lot of Gay guys here don't speak of children...only the lesibans. Very interesting. Plus, the Brotha doesn't hang out with any of the so called "Family" at work... just one specific guy and his girlfriend. Well, I guess we'll see what happens when he transfers. I don't think he's dating material since I normally do not date men I work with. But he's interesting nevertheless, since his hobbies and such are very diverse for most Blk men I've met.
Lesson learned: Different doesn't always mean Gay
I really wish I could stop focusing on my social life.... LoL. I guess everything else is a given...ya know? Working, careers, and such....you take the steps as you are supposed to and it just happens. I guess I take more interest in my social life because there are no steps and it's anything goes.
There's so much I really want to say....but I can't. Which is fucked up since that was the main reason for me posting today. So, I'll be as vague as possible and maybe that would make me feel better lol.
I've had these particular thoughts all week and I can't stop thinking about them. I wish I could but I can't. I have to just let them run their course as they normally do. My question is, when will it stop? I analyze why I have these thoughts and how come they keep coming year after year. I tell myself , you have them because you aren't doing what you want, don't have what you want, because you keep lying to yourself. I wonder if that is also a lie. Last night, before a date, I tried to take a nap....I thought of certain memories I once had. LoL, I'm not sure if they happened the way I remembered or if I just remember them the way I wanted to. I try to think if things have been different, how different would my life would have been. I hate this thought because it's like a question that no one knows for certain what the answer is. Actually, I hate all of this. I hate I have not loved anyone in four years, not even remotely close. I hate that I still think the things I do. I hate that I loved someone so hard that this the end result. Then I wonder if I do all this thinking due to where I'm at or if it's because of him period.
Lesson Learned: I'm still trying to master this one.
