Go, go!  There's no time!  Sleep - but not for long!  Go, again!  Forward!  Onward!

Now, I write rather than sleeping.  Might as well...currently working on a broken internal clock.

I go back:

On the 15th, I accomplished almost everything I set out to do.  My alarm clock didn't go off, so I was an hour late for rehearsal...yuck.  I attended my appointment.  I was prepared for the script reading - the stage direction-editing didn't take as long as I had projected...about an hour, really.  It went exceptionally well, I might add.  (People laughed!)  Monica, Noa, Jenny, and I shared a highly entertaining game of Boggle - which lasted for hours!  We found some ridiculous words, many of which we've kept alive as running jokes.  "Peeeeeee..."  "OPA!"  Also:  herpes, clit, orgy, semen...too much.  Too much funny.  :)

Oh - I didn't end up paying my bills that day.  Figures.  That's me, haha.

Worked 10-6 the next day.  Eight hours is...a lot.

That night, I joined many castmates on a trip out to Hess, to celebrate Monica's birthday!  Fun times with that lady, always.  I didn't drink.

That Sunday (the 17th), I didn't go home like I wanted to, for the Village Ukraina volunteer picnic.  That sucked.  I don't remember doing anything significant that day...

On the 18th, I paid all my bills.  (Ha.)  I also missed a rehearsal due to the impossibilty of switching shifts at work...but, it happens, I guess.  Worked 4-9.

The next day, I worked 10-3.  That night, I headed to the Casbah to watch Joe's band, Uvenburd, perform.  I was so impressed by Joe's singing!  Such a pretty voice in that boy's throat.  Also:  the Water Song owned the entire evening.  Too entertaining.  They were opening for General Rudie. 

After General Rudie's set, they mentioned that if anyone would have them, they needed a place to sleep.  I offered my vast floorspace.  They accepted.  Ben and I joined them on a bit of an excursion through Hess, first.  Fun times; great conversations!  Those boys have such warm hearts.  Much hilarity ensued while the van was being unpacked.  Shared a conversation with one in my room, later moving to my front step...lasted until near dawn.  He's a smart one, without question - definitely gave advice that won't be forgotten.  Maybe not able to apply it any longer, but should such doubts ever arise again...his advice is still here.

Woke up late the next day.  At one point, I walked over to their van as they finished packing it up again - as one held a water bottle, he asked, "what's the water like here, drinkable?"  I merely raised my hand to him, passing him a plastic bag with cold bottles, one for each of them.  I like how happy they looked.  They expressed their gratitude, and were off.

That night, met up at Faculty Hollow for another rehearsal.  Got out of work that night...thankfully.  I had started to worry that I might've been bringing the group down, by not being there.  But, alas!  Rehearsal went well.  I think we went to Hess after that.  Water, water, water; lemons, lemons, lemons.

The next night (the 21st), I worked again.  Defintely went out to Hess with the cast, that night.  More water and extra lemon wedges.

On Friday (the 22nd), I opted out of a screening of a Trojan Women film...almost got enough sleep out of skipping it - almost.  Attended dress rehearsal at noon.  There were two lines in particular, one after the other, that I would always mess up, somehow, throughout all of our rehearsals.  I suppose I programmed myself to fear these lines; during the dress rehearsal, I got to that part...and completely blanked.  Not in a way that I could secretly salvage the moment, nor could anyone else.  I blanked.  And my poor day, and mood, and frame of mind all overcame me.  My mind flew out of the play, off of the stage, and into my head.  I apologized and asked if Anjie had a script.  She didn't.  No one did.  I couldn't think of anything beyond how lost I felt...and I began to cry.  Eventually, (and after a long "eventually,") I picked the scene back up again.  I almost managed to redeem myself, later, by giving the end of my scene full emotion for the first time.  I was still bothered, though, by my lack of control earlier.  It still bothers me.

Stupid emotions and situations and unnecessary pain.
Fucking...fuck.

I swore that I would not allow such a thing to happen during the show.
And I made that a reality.  Of course.

I digress.

That night, I worked 5-9.  Immediately afterward, I went to the Casbah.  I got there partway through The Rest's set.  Great Lake Swimmers was fucking astonishing...if only the talkative half of the crowd would have shut their fucking ungrateful mouths.  Nobody wants to listen, these days.  Only talk...only talk.  Final Fantasy was marvelous.  Also, he made note of the babbling idiots that would, as he said, one day regret their actions of the night.  In any case, Lex is a lively drummer - great performance in that woman's heart.  She sat in for a number of his songs.  Owen is a fabulously talented boy and I was in awe, absolute awe for his entire set.  I was too embarrassed with myself to find him and tell him I have a friend-crush on him.  I listened to that CD for days, non-stop.  Too good.

When I got home from the show, the emotion I put into the end of the dress rehearsal caught up with me like a boomerang.  It ripped through my stomach when I got home, and I vomited like crazy.  [I invest my soul quite deeply into my performances...too deeply?  Is there even such a thing?]  I called Kam sometime around 2am, without even thinking that he might be asleep (which I'm sure he was), asking if I could be excused from work the next day.  He said that he'd arrange what he could, and that I didn't have to go in.  I am too lucky.  I somehow kept an anti-nauseant tablet down, and fell asleep abruptly.

I woke just as abruptly the next day (the 23rd).  Early, too.  Threw up again.  Forced myself back to sleep again.  Woke up feeling almost entirely better.  Our first show was that night...my performance felt pretty good.  Obviously devastatingly tragic - and I cried, oh how I cried - but I didn't feel very disappointed.  A good change.  A notable change.

Went to the Underground that night.  Missed all but the last song (or two) of the Inflation Kills' set...that sucked.  Uncut played next.  I'm losing interest in their music, but their performance was pretty good.  Sylvie played next - some of their songs didn't do much for me, but others made my bum wiggle!  And then Wintersleep played...without disappointment, as per usual.  I was too shy to request a song as an early birthday present, so that was my only disappointment from them - entirely my fault, haha.  When I moved to hug my friend Steve earlier that night, I smashed my foot off of his.  I was wearing tiny, strappy sandals.  Broke the nail pretty badly.  Really rather painful.  But I didn't want him to feel responsible, so I didn't tell him.  My toe is just fine now, anyway.

...I saw you there, though

I saw you

and I wish you would've said something
because I couldn't say anything
that message - I didn't respond to it

I didn't know how

so I gave you space
and you took it.

It has been weeks, now. 

I've waited
I've waited

You said goodbye.

I guess you wanted to do it without a single word.

The next day (the 24th), two shows:  the first, relocated due to rain.  Stupid crappy lecture hall..."better than the other one" still doesn't mean it's good.  But it was sufficient, I suppose.  I watched The Taming Of The Shrew in-between, at 4pm.  It, too, had to be moved to the lecture hall, as it began to rain mere minutes into the show.  Very funny production overall, though!  My second show was later that evening...and was ruined, mid-show, due to A FUCKING FIRE ALARM.  An elevator motor, smouldering...spontaneously?  Oh, I don't know.  After an hour (or more?) of a delay, we did the play again - from the beginning.  I was too thrown-off to perform.  My performance sucked large.  Sure, people thought this, or that.  But I know it sucked.  I hated doing it.  I hated knowing my heart wasn't in it.

(I'm actually glad my coworkers + manager didn't/couldn't return for it.  I'd rather have them miss the show, as they did, instead of witnessing my bad performance...)

The next day (the 25th), Steve came over to watch Requiem For A Dream with me.  His first time; my zillionth.  Still, it makes me cry.  Even though I had to cry hysterically during the play, I still had more than enough tears left for the film.  Never fails, no matter how hard I try not to.  He appreciated the film, I think.  Such a great boy, that one.  I'm glad I can count him among my friends, now.  He has such a warm heart.

The next day was MY BIRTHDAY, woo!  Twenty-one.  It rained, on and off - but when it did, it poured...and I like rain.  So, in a way, I'm glad it rained that day.  Darby and Amelia brought me flowers, and an icecream cake with the COMEDY/TRAGEDY MASKS on it, hello.  Too good.  We went to Snooty for lunch, and I ate myself fat, for free!  And had a delicious martini!  Thus ended my non-drinking streak, officially.  After that, we went all the way out to Lime Ridge to see baby kitties.  So good.  A hedgehog wiggled it's nose at me, too.

Later that night, I had another performance.  It was moved to the lecture hall because of rain, again...boo.  Regardless, I felt alright with that show.  Phil came!  And brought Kevin!  Craig came too!  After a fair amount of post-show mingling, I wanted to invite everyone to come out with us, (to celebrate with me, of course).  I stood at the front of the stage, and Alexa began singing Happy Birthday.  Everyone joined in.  I hid my face in my toga.  :D 

We went to the Phoenix.  Several of us shared wine over dinner - Darby didn't get IDed BLAHAHA!  But I ended up finishing off her share, anyway.  Laura bought me my first muff dive!  So delicious.  And fun, actually, haha.  I could barely get the shot glass out of the bottom of the martini glass - and Laura scolded me for trying to eat all the whipped cream.  What...I like it...  :)  Mid-dive (har har), Laura noticed a table full of Asian boys watching me.  She called out "hey - you don't get to watch if you didn't pay!"  I'm pretty sure I almost choked on whipped cream at that.  Rick bought us some shots to drink together, as did Monica.  So so much alcohol was in this girl.  Best new shot discovered:  buttery nipple.  OH YES OH YES, so good.  I downed a couple of glasses of water before leaving - best move of the night.  No hangover!

I let Rick into my house to sleep, as he had to work early the next morning.  A few of us wanted bubble tea, but ended up getting pitas instead (QQs was closed).  We returned to find Rick sprawled out on the couches in his boxers.  I don't know about the others, but I found it hilarious.

The next morning (the 27th), Darby and Amelia and I searched the town for bubble tea, but nothing was open before they had to leave town.  That sucked.  It was still raining a bit, though; I liked that.  We went to Tim Horton's together before they had to take off.

Had another show that night - finally outside, again.  My performance felt better that night.

Worked 2-9 on the 28th.  On the walk home, Paul was flying down the sidewalk at me!  I hugged him for ages.  Sam and Scott were waiting on my front doorstep.

They gave me birthday presents!  Sam painted a mirror's wooden frame with a star!  I have it leaned up against my lamp - I adore it.  And, while I was working, they spent some time in a park, where Paul painted for me!  There is a sailboat with a red sail, by a gorgeous tree, with pretty clouds in the sky!  I have it balanced on the dead-lights in my room.  I love it.

We went to QQs where Scott bought very very spicy (and delicious) soup, and we all shared bubble tea over our favorite card game (haha!) and Boggle.  Later, I took them all to Faculty Hollow, to show them the stage.  I still feel like such a dork for mixing up the dates.  They were intending to see me act that night - but how could they, when there wasn't a show scheduled?  Argh.  We had loads of fun, regardless.

The next night (the 29th), our second last performance.  My second best performance of all - it felt so strong.  Later in the show, though, a fair while after my scene, everything about the show was nearly killed by a low-flying helicopter.  Fucking ridiculous.  I couldn't believe everyone kept it together!  So awesome.  Monica and I ended up hitting Hess together that night...so many good conversations.  I'm glad we've become pretty good friends throughout this production.

The next day (the 30th) was our last show - an afternoon performance.  I definitely felt the best about that one.  Alexa's friend Jeanette agreed...she came up to me after the show to tell me that.  That was her sixth time viewing the play, but her first time being moved to tears by my scene.  Too much for me to hear...I couldn't believe it.  Granted, during a fair amount of the shows - especially the indoor ones - I could actually hear people sniffling.  But for Jeanette to say that felt big, somehow.  To know that it wasn't necessarily just what I felt about it, myself, that day.

This whole experience...so big.
I am so grateful.

Lisa came to that show!  And Alanna really surprised me with her attendance that day!!!  I had no clue that she was there until she walked up to me, after the show.  She, too, said she cried...I couldn't believe it.  I'm so glad she could come and see me act.  :)  We made plans for the following day, for dinner.

That night, I went to the Casbah.  Phil joined me at my house, and we went together.  And Sam was there!  And Paul!  And Scott!  And Donna!  And Chelsea!  And we all sat together at the front of the stage.

They are so comfortable.  They feel so much like home.  Always warm, always inviting.  So much love.

Head | Phone | Over | Tone opened, and were interesting.  Not bad...but they didn't do much for me.

And then...A Silver Mt. Zion played.

There are so few words.
I spent the majority of the show with my hands in front of my face.
Such awe.

I cried a bit, here and there...mostly convincing myself not to cry - that I didn't have to cry.
Such beautiful songs.  There can't be such a thing as too beautiful.

I think I'll be looking back at this as the best show of 2005, for me.
I think so.

Post-show, outside, a boy named Dan invited the six of us to his apartment.  Later, Donna revealed that she overheard his intentions for the excursion.  Haha sucker, we took and we left.  Too bad, too bad...

They all slept over at my place - we had too much fun, all night!  I got super-embarrassed, at one point.  Damn you, nosy Paul.  Hahaha.  I felt like a jerk later, though, when I realized I had a very insufficient amount of pillows + blankets...agh.  I hope everyone slept okay.  We got to bed around 4 or 5am, and Paul came to wake me up several hours later, as they decided they had best leave earlier than planned.  We had breakfast freezies!  I can't wait until Murdered City.  :)

Now, this week!  Almost caught up...

On Sunday, Phil came over and we met up with Sophie, downtown.  We ran into Paul Frank, who was headed in the same direction as us - HTI.  That day, I watched the three plays I had not yet seen - My Father's House, This Is A Play, and The Terrible False Deception.  Impressive shows, all around.

Monica, Aazam, Sophie, and I joined Rick in his car.  First, we stopped at Tim Hortons, where my stupid jokes about the (coughdisgusting) food shown on the monitors ended up with my iced cappucino spilling everwhere.  I got hit in the eye!  After that, we made a trip out to Rick's home, in Burlington, to pick up the banner he made for the party (hilarious!).  On the way back into Hamilton, I asked to be dropped off at my house to nap...which resulted in Alanna reminding me about dinner - ugh, I'm too forgetful.  Fried pickles for me, mmmmmmm.  (I had far too many this week, haha.)  We shared a lot of stories!  I'm glad she and Meghan are going to be moving in here, soon.  I miss my ladies!

So, that night was the closing party for the Summer Drama Festival.

...Where do I even start?

Rick's red Trojan Women banner being on display all night.  Noticing smiles from across the room.  Anjie's card nearly making me cry.  My cast gift:  a sweater for "my baby" - a heart in the middle, with the words "I love hugs" in it.  Getting too hot inside; getting too many mosquito-bites outside.  Lila telling me that she thinks I'm really pretty, and then giving me a shot of gin.  (Well hello miss, you're clearly pretty yourself!)  Chips and hummus (ohhh yum).  Drags from Tori's cigar.  Simon telling me that he thinks my lips are perfect, and calling me over so he can display them to several girls.  (I was so embarrassed!)  Covert operations with a cute new gay friend involving bottles of booze (HAHA!).  Getting drunk when I brought zero alcohol with me (how the...?).  Noa being my partner-in-crime (I sooo owe that lady).  Extending the baby-eating joke to the entire party.  (Also:  photographs devoted to this phenomenon.)  Guitar, guitar, everywhere acoustic guitar.

Sleeping, on and off, at strange hours, for strange lengths of time.

I'm too hesitant - I'm too scared.
These words might need to be more persuasive.

For now, though, these words are beautiful.  These actions, careful; delicate...

[Pickle and cheese sandwiches are fine by me.]

I worked on Tuesday, 4-9.  Monica met me here after that, and - after about an hour of me insisting that she hear a number of songs...haha - we met Sophie and Steve at QQs.  Noa showed up after a while, too.  They came back here for a bit, after QQs had to close up.  So much fun with those ladies, always.  I was awake until ridiculous hours of the morning reading the story Noa wrote, which she's going to make into a film.  I think she's got a pretty good plot in the works.

Wednesday night, worked again, 5-9.  A number of us went out to Absinthe...but hoooly suck-night, much.  Aside from our group, maybe six people were there?  Ridiculous.  I downed some absinthe upon our arrival, and a few shots.  We left, and went to Sidebar instead.  Drank several more shots, there...so inexpensive!  We ended the night at Snooty.

ankles, grasped
smiles, shared secretly - some caught, no doubt
notes, passed

be careful
gentle
delicate...

Plans may fail, but actions can make up for lost words - it's true, it's true.

The morning brought deep smiles, and pleasant tears.

certainly
promise
definitely

we'll see, we'll see...

At 1:30 this afternoon, I had an audition.  Rick met me here, and we walked to campus together.  The monologue I did made the director laugh - out loud - a promising sign, I hope.

On the walk back here, we stopped by and got pitas.  I had every vegetable available put into mine...mmm...

Upon calling my work when I arrived home, Kam asked if I'd be able to come in - I wasn't scheduled to work tonight, but apparently Zach left because he was sick.  I could always use more money, so of course, I did it.  I actually had a lot of fun working with Joe tonight...not that I don't usually, because I do!  I love working with him.  I've just been so exhausted lately.  It was great that I had so much fun during that shift.  Must've been that coffee he brought for me, haha!

Speaking of which, today was so phenomenal, for so many reasons.  Aside from Joe generously bringing me that coffee (he often brings a beverage for me, if he's gone to get a coffee for himself) - he let me have his pizza, since he ate perogies for dinner instead.  Too nice of him!

It warm-rained tonight.
My favorite kind of rain.

Dave stopped by to visit, before his interview (or...something) at Kelsey's.  Insisted that I attend the show at the Underground.  I told him I was broke, but he insisted that I go, no matter what.

I went.  :)

Jon Rae & The Choir opened - talk about magical.  They left the stage, and played in front of it, instead.  Such warm songs!  Grand Buffet went next - ohsovery entertaining.  They gave Steve a free CD, but he already owns it, so he gave it to me!  So awesome.  Magnolia Electric Co. closed the night off with absolute beauty.

Listen, listen, listen...
Timely words, in the lyrics.

I managed to take the bus home.

And now, finally, I've written a new entry.  It took about three and a half hours, but there it is.  Where life has taken me.

I am scared -
everything, tossed up
around
and over
now is not the time to cut open fresh stitches

be careful
be careful

but go, again!
forward!
onward!

we'll see, we'll see...