New Year's Eve was phenomenal.  Carly met up with me here, and we headed over to Julie Ella's house...very much later than the invitation called for.  Damn.  She saved us some food, because she is lovely like that.  It was sooo good, too.  We drank and chatted it up with everyone - so much love.

Sometime closer to midnight, Carly and I took off, unsuccessful in our attempts to bring the group along with us.  We went over to Mike's place, and met all of his friends and housemates that were there.  Everything clicked so instantly; everyone got along so well, so easily.  It was wonderful.

I remember feeling really, really happy at midnight. 

...Especially when, between "3" and "2," Mike called out something along the lines of "...well this doesn't feel very climactic."  Ohhh the laughter.

We listened to such pretty music later that night.  I recall my night beginning to draw to a close while we were listening to Iron & Wine.

Returning a ring to a finger.
Iron & Wine through the walls.
Sinking and warmth bringing comfort.

The next day, Carly and I covered a couch together.  The whole group of us just lazed around the common room, sometimes not even speaking for extended periods of time.  It felt like spring - not cold air, but cool air.  The serenity of stillness just feeling so overwhelmingly present.  It just felt absolutely good.

Peter ensured we all had "sustenance," which was way too precious - and hysterical.  :)  Carly and I stayed until dinnertime, and a few of us even ordered pizza for dinner together.  Carly has the exact same perfect pizza toppings as I do, which was...ridiculous.  Oh boy.  Unforgettable:  "I'm really sorry; smell your purse."  Ahahahaha.  Too much.

We returned to my house, and Carly was picked up shortly thereafter.

That next week I worked a whole fucking lot.  Tuesday through Thursday were twelve- to fourteen-hour days.  I almost lost it...but didn't.  I'm tough like that, of course.

That Friday (the 6th), Alanna and I joined Erica and Allison for a trip to Westdale Theatre to view Memoirs Of A Geisha.  That was my first visit to that theatre, and GOSH is it ever charming.  I can't believe it's taken me this long to finally check it out.  I hope I get to more, perhaps this summer (stupid schedule).  The movie was rather powerful - my favorite part of the whole experience, though, was when it started and the sound didn't come on...I called out something like "man, it'd be awesome if WE KNEW WHAT THEY WERE SAYING!"  And the whole place laughed.  Which made me snicker.  :)

We spontaneously decided to go to Snooty following the film.  Matty Stevens was there!  I hadn't seen him in a while prior to that.  Actually, I knew a lot of people there that night...which made slightly-tipsy-Tanya become slightly-hyper-Tanya.  It made me so happy!  The night ended with more visits, and more warmth.

The next day I had rehearsal for As You Like It.  I really like how it went.  I feel very ready for it.

After that, I ran some errands...and then fell asleep on the couch after dinner, effectively fucking up my planned evening with Lisa.  Dammit.  I talked with Phil for several hours, though - it was SO great to catch up with him.  I miss my pretend adopted baby brother.  Argh.

I worked the next day (the 8th).
That's when a lot of things started going really, really wrong this month.

On the 9th, my friend Jay passed away.  He had a heart attack...and he was only 23.  I know that I shouldn't have beat myself up over it, but I did. 

Sometime late this summer, I think, my mom called me after work.  She was relaying a message onto me, and a phone number.  Jay had called my house asking for me, and my mom knew I wasn't at home here - and she doesn't readily give out my number, of course - so she got it from him, and gave it to me.

...And for months, I kept telling myself:  I'll have time to call him...soon.  Very soon.  Once my schedule eases up a little bit, I'll call him.  I'll definitely call him.

I was thinking about him sometime that weekend, too.
Go, go...

Of course, you can't predict the future...you can't assume that these things will happen.
But they still do - it doesn't make it hurt any less.

I worked on the 10th, 10am-2pm, and had class from 2:30 until pretty much 10pm, straight.
...Yep.  Every Tuesday.

That Wednesday (the 11th), I went to my appointment with a dentist here...since there would be no way I could find enough time to travel home.  All this no-sleep-and-too-much-shitty-food-to-compensate took it's toll on my teeth, I guess - had my first ever cavity filled.  The dentist was rather young and attractive, which made me feel silly, hahaha.  Good ol' Miranda sending me to a good looking dentist!  Ha.

Lisa came with me, and we were going to go downtown after the appointment, as I was pondering a spontaneous piercing.  Then I thought about my shows coming up, and decided it'd be best to wait.  (Probably best to wait overall for something like this, anyway...)  Instead, we made a quick trip to the bakery in Westdale, and got SUCH DELICIOUS FOOD, my goodness.  We stopped by Adrian's place for a brief visit, and then we parted ways (I had to go to class, boo).  Overall, we had a great day together.

Great days followed by comfortable nights.  Hearts relax when bodies feel comfortable, it's true.

The next day (the 12th), I worked.  I skipped classes, and my friend Ken took me out to Jay's visitation hours.  I am so, so, so thankful that Ken offered, and could do it.

Jay's cousin didn't remember me, but I didn't take it personally.

It's real.  He's gone. 

He would've been so happy to know how well-dressed he was.  I wrote him a goodbye letter...I really hope his family kept it in there for me.  One of his little cousins drew a picture and wrote some last thoughts about him; it was so heartbreaking to think about it, to see it.

I don't like to immerse myself in grievance and sorrow, so I took Ken up on his offer to visit a sushi place downtown that night.  Great company, and great food to match it.  I needed that.

I don't know where my head would be, right now, if Ken hadn't made the offer to drive me.
So, so thankful.

The next day brought a short trip to Lisa's place, and my first readthrough of the Directors' Series play I'm in.  I really like the edits that have been made in the time since we received the first draft...this looks promising.  Very, very promising.  I am really looking forward to performing this.

I went shopping that night, to use some gift cards and such that I had.  I got a free bra, and then bought two more pairs of funderwear that I don't need, ha...goodness.  I'm getting better at controlling this, really, I am.  Psh, they were cute, and they were both the only pairs in each style left in the bins.  That's justifiable.  :D

The next day (the 14th), I had rehearsal all morning.  Carly came over that evening.  I discovered that I had entirely forgotten about a mandatory First Aid course for my stage management class the next day...major panic ensued.  I HAVE THE MOST UNDERSTANDING MANAGER ON EARTH.  Carly and I ended up at QQs for a short while that night.  We caught the end of an event...pooh.  I saw Marco and Marya and a few other people, so that was good.  We hung out with Sean - that was the first time I saw him in AGES.  Good times!

The next day (the 15th), as Jen covered my shift for me, I took the First Aid course.  And wrote a postdated cheque, which I felt ever-so-mildly embarrassed about, although it's really nothing.  And, I passed the test.  :)

On Monday (the 16th) I ran some errands around Westdale, and waited at the bus stop in front of Second Cup to go to class.  Peter wandered by, and we chatted briefly.  He did a twirl before he left.  Mike really picked the right hearts to live with, gosh.

That afternoon, I already found myself uttering the words "I know First Aid."
I won't get into it, as I don't have the person's permission to do so - something I feel would be absolutely necessary before discussing it here.
Everything, however, worked out fine in the end.

...But then, sometimes, people don't know when times aren't exactly easy for you.

That night made me truly realize how irreplaceable Lisa is in my heart.
Like Ken's offer to drive me out to Jay's visitation, Lisa remaining on hand for me when I couldn't stand feeling so alone in troubling times...unforgettable.

...I won't forget the phone calls I made that afternoon and that night, either.
Tears turning into giggles,
sharing secrets, smiles.

I mostly slept that night.
Finally.

Tuesday (the 17th), though, was the day that everything really felt progressively worse.

It began while I was at work that morning, I suppose.

I had two bananas for breakfast...and literally had no time to eat the whole rest of the day.  Let alone the strength to make anything by the time I finally arrived home, my goodness.  Also, it was pouring that day, so from 2pm until about 10pm that night, my feet were soaked.  Frustration paired with zero energy sent this girl straight to bed.  For once.

The next day (the 18th), my mom came to visit me.
And when she hugged me, I really held onto her.  And when she began to pull away, I hugged harder.
Usually she's the one that hugs harder.  She just knows...

But that time, it was me.

And it felt really, really good to feel her hug right back again.

I stopped by Lisa's place for a while after that.  We travelled to campus together, and went off to our respective classes.  Annnd I was in class all night, again.

That night was lighter, though.  Easier.

The next day (the 19th), I worked in the morning.  Then, my dad arranged for a family-friend to drive my butt over to an appointment...ahhh, appointments.

That day, I was told that unless any problems arose, I wouldn't have to come back anymore.

She's a lovely lady...but gosh, such a blessing to not have to go back.

:)

And then, of course, I had class all throughout that afternoon and evening.

The following day (the 20th) brought numerous rehearsals, a set of auditions to replace the lead female - who QUIT the show...what the fuck - for the play I'm stage managing...ending off the day with work. 

Tiring?  YES.

To be comfortable, though, distracts from exhaustion.  It's true.
Hearts only need to relax.

The next day (the 21st) I had rehearsal all morning again...phew.  Following that were two callback auditions.  So much more work created, because of that...ugh.  That night I saw the first of the six weeks of Directors' Series plays.  I was very entertained!  That night I met Lisa's sister, and we had way too much fun at Absinthe.  I like dancing, ha.  :)

I missed the last bus (damn), so I ended up walking all the way home.

No big deal, really.

The night ended wonderfully.

I worked all day on the 22nd, and stage managed our first rehearsal with the new girl for a while that night.

The next day brought classes, meetings, and more rehearsals.

The 24th was a Tuesday - so of course, that meant working 10 until 2, class from 2:30 until 5:30, and class from 6 until 10.  We watched a movie that I had been meaning to see for years, now - Dancer In The Dark.  And sometimes, it truly feels as though life is timing things for you.  Really, Björk...I mean, really...gosh.

That night, so much changed with someone I had seen only hours prior to my arrival home...someone I saw a few hours later; someone I could only talk to through shadows.
I haven't settled since.

That's all, really.

The next day (the 25th) I woke up without having set my alarm.  That pretty much sucked.  A lot.

That blurry sort of dizzy feeling.

That sense of imploding.

Feelings one never needs.

Sometime the week prior, though, my professor had cancelled class for that very afternoon.  What timing...

Since I had time to kill, Lisa and I went to her piercing place so she could get a stud changed.  Her piercer seems very nice.  We went straight to campus thereafter.  I had class.  I came home.  I began writing an essay due the next day.  I "napped" from around 2:30am, until maybe around 4:30am.  I finished writing the essay.  It's shit, and it's for that professor - from last term - that marks me ridiculously low, always.  I'm not getting my hopes up for this.  I "napped" again just before 9am, and had it not been for a phone call acting as ANOTHER alarm, I wouldn't have woken up again.

Gosh.

After work, I ran some errands.  I had class all afternoon and all evening, as per usual. 

The next day (the 27th), I had rehearsal.  Then I had to stage manage another rehearsal - which I had forgotten about, when I had made plans with Lisa earlier in the week.  Again.  Ugh.  Then I had work...and Lisa and Andrea showed up, to show me the bears they bought at Build-A-Bear.  Lisa bought me a bear pen!  It made me so happy...such a nice gesture.  After work, I headed over to Lisa's place.  The three of us made brownies together (I had been meaning to bring the brownie mix over there for some time now), and watched a movie.  I had to leave right after the movie so I wouldn't miss the last bus.  Pooh.

The next day (the 28th) was full of work.  And errands. 

Gogogo.

That night I saw the next pair of Directors' Series shows.  I crashed their cast party too, along with a number of other crashers.  Ha.  I drank far too much, and smoked too much - I definitely shouldn't have smoked that vanilla cigar...agh.

I didn't sleep enough that night, and overdosing on caffeine the next morning made me vomit...oops.  I managed to get through work, surprisingly enough.  Rehearsal that night, at that.

The next day (the 30th) brought classes, more meetings, more rehearsals.  Oh, and while waiting to meet up with someone that afternoon, I sat on the floor near the Tim Horton's in the student centre...I was only there for ten minutes, maybe fifteen, and I almost fell asleep.  The student traffic in that very area is INSANE, and I almost fell asleep.  Oh, exhaustion. 

My mom called that night, to tell me that my godmother's brother passed away.

Colon cancer.

No time to ever truly grieve, it seems...

I was up ridiculously late that night, too, writing two gigantic e-mails.  One was for stage management purposes, the other for all-around scheduling purposes.  I had a bit of a tricky moment with a friend who is stage managing me for a play, but such are the joys of scheduling I suppose.  It feels terrible sometimes.

Then, today, over-caffeination led to vomiting again.

I could barely handle how I felt today, though.

Thank goodness I have Rebecca, who didn't mind in the slightest when I asked if I could borrow her notes for today's class that we have together.  In agreeing to do this, she granted me a nap.  Several hours worth of napping.  Necessary.

Thank goodness I have ladies like Miranda and Monica, who are assisting me - in ways that they probably regard as miniscule...to me, the help is huge.

Thank goodness I have friends like Lisa and Matt, who will always do whatever it takes to see me smile.  Even when it seems easiest, it's still sometimes tricky to do so.

And...here I am. 

It's around 3am now.
I guess this is the sacrifice one needs to make, having to nap in the afternoon to prevent further nausea?

...One whole month.

I may be frustrated - I have no time to sleep, I'm not eating properly...my day-to-day schedules are the farthest thing from normal - from natural, even.

And I may complain,
I may get cranky,

I may feel really really really friggin' destroyed, pretty frequently.

...But I fucking LOVE where I'm at right now.

My heart feels my work.  My drive; my impulse.
My heart knows that what I'm doing is home.
No matter how much sleep is lost - no matter how much my inner wiring is set off-balance...

When I find those moments to really pause, to really take it all in -

For each of those brief moments, I'm truly, truly happy with where I stand.

...What has been decided around my heart, though...that's a different story, I think.

One whole month, and my heart holds so many more secrets today.
So many more, as each day confronts me and passes.

And from now on, I have to keep them in my chest.

No matter how much I feel I might implode, they have to stay there.

I've made it through one week of this, so far.

I will make it.