What's the Point?

I'm having a pretty bad day.  I'd been looking forward to this weekend, since I'll actually be at home both days, with no real obligations to speak of.  I needed some time to get some lingering things taken care of.

For example, I have a new class I'm teaching for the first time on the 11th, and I've needed to put all my notes together into something usable for the class.  Also, Monday night I complete my phone training for the suicide crisis line, and I've got some paperwork to finish before that.

My problem is motivation.  I have none.  I'm feeling depressed, like everything is a big waste of time.  I've almost reached a "why bother" point in my life.  I'm not seeing results from anything I invest a lot of time into.  I feel burnt out on so many levels.

This afternoon, I took a break from working on the class and sat on the sofa, scrolling through the names in my phone's directory.  I felt like I needed to talk to someone... but I didn't call anyone.  Most of the people in my phone list aren't people I'd talk to with this sort of "problem."  And the others?  I guess I just didn't feel like tossing all this on them.  I don't know why.  I know that's what friends are for.  I certainly don't mind when they dump their life's crap on me; I want to listen, and help if I can.  And I know they feel the same way.  But... I just couldn't, today.

I feel so alone.  I'd hoped by now, a year after my separation, that I'd have an active social life, especially because I live downtown.  I'd hoped to be actively dating, for that matter.  But, though I've had a few dates, none have been recently, and none were particularly promising.  And my social life?  Non-existent.

It's ironic... last week, Boss A said to me, "It's good to have you back."  By this, she meant that I seem to have fully recovered from all the crap I went through last fall and early this year.  She said, "Not only are you back on top of your game here at work, but you seem actually happy, too."

Evidently, I fake a good game at the office.

Or, more frighteningly, maybe I'm not faking when I'm at the office.  She's right, I am back on top of my game.  And I genuinely like several of my co-workers, so it's not difficult to be "up" at work.  And I've been so busy in my free time over the past month or so that I haven't really noticed how depressed I've been growing.

Lorelei tells me on the phone that she misses me.  And in truth, I miss her, too.  In most ways, she's still my best friend.  But being married - to her, or to anyone - isn't the solution to my problem.  In some ways, it would just make things worse for me.

I don't really know what I'm saying, here.  Or why I'm bothering to say it.  Just to get it out, I suppose.