Why??

I wish someone would explain to me why i ended up this way, why i was amongst the curse of bad luck for years now, why i continue to sit alone, smile fake smiles at people, so they wont look through me and see the real me. who can i blame for this, its really not a who, its life!!

Growing up wasnt the best of times, especially when my dad died, he was my bestfriend, my true and only friend. who do i have to talk to now, myself, do i look crazy? who cares.

my bills have calculated throughout the walls, friends, i dont know who they are, family- dsyfunctional, boyfriend, i havent had one since he broke my heart, he ripped it out and fed it to the dogs, apperantly i wasnt good enough. im done pretending that everything is ok, im sick, im sick because he is a fucking retard, im not a dormat that you sleep on and than throw in the garbage, you wanna know the funny thing, ive had sex only one time, and i got pregnant, did i have the baby, NO because when he broke my heart, i stressed, when i stressed, i lost it, but does he care, NO..

I guess i shouldnt be surprised, all men are idiots. i look at myself in the mirror and wonder, is this really how it was suppose to be for me, the girl i used to be has disappeared, she doesnt exist, the girl that was happy, dressed in girl clothes, the girl that wore makeup.. that girl is dead, i hear people talk, they ask what happened to me, why am i so different, do i have an answer, do i have a reason, i could care less what they say to me, i am me; so fuck off.

do you know how it feels to feel pain, well the difference of feeling pain and causing it, is the same, both feel good, who knows why, i dont but i know i hate you, i hate me, i hate life, i hate being here, i hate waking up and being alive. why do i have bad luck, i thought GOD loved me, but the bad is over-weighing the good..

how do i cope?

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zipdrive on

Re: Why??

I wish I had some great answers to soothe your heart and mind, but I don't. I've been through muchin my own life, and it is difficult to let go of the bad and let the good shine through once again. But underneath all the terrible, hurtful things you've experienced, that same bright girl sits waiting in her pretty dress, all made up, still smiling in hopes you will bring her back to life.

Don't allow the bad things in life to define who you really are. You are more, you are stronger, you are deeper. You may not feel like it, but the truth remains. God still loves you. He always will.

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bahamat on

Re: Why??

Not all men are like that. Unfortunately women seem to tend to find the bad ones more attractive, but maybe for other reasons. Infact they turn down guys who would treat them well, and sometimes push away people who care too much. In their despair they don't see the good subsection of men around in everyday life who would normally go unnoticed and who may be too shy or lacking in confidence to approach a woman, and who may behave in a "creepy" way because of the insecurities they might have with their lack of success, but that's taken as creepy because of the lack of understanding.

For your own sakes, hopefully there's patterns and ways to predict when these kinds of things might happen. We learn through mistakes, make it all count, like with the money thing I know it must be hard, but I bet it's brought some costs to attention and shown you things can come unexpectedly.
And nobody has the right to expect you to look happier than you really are... all they get out of that is a superficial image that isn't healthy for you either, that you can only sustain for so long, and that slows down people realising and making changes their end, which should always be a 2 way thing.

I know what it's like to have never been in a relationship by age 22 and never having hope of having one. To cope I just had to learn to slowly accept it, put it to one side, and come back to it at a better time. You might give up hope now, but that doesn't mean it's not possible later... as long as you're alive you'll continue to have odd oppertunities, and time, to sort things out.