Under my skin.

As much as I love him, sometimes he really knows how to get under my skin. I tried to call him yesterday morning and he didnt answer. Then he called me this afternoon and immediately started his usual complaints. Eventually he understood that I was a little upset that he just called to complain to me about me. Then tonight he called at 9ish and I talked to him for a few minutes then he had to go, and I was on my way to the movies with Catherine. (side note=tomorrow is her last day being ShortPump) So after I got out of the movie I called him(Before 12) and he was just grumpy. I just wanted to talk to him or have him tlak to me for a little bit, it was a slightly sad movie(Time Travelers Wife) okay a compleatly sad movie, and I missed him bunches and bunches. So he was just grumpy and unresponsive on the phone. I understand it was a little late, but really there wasnt a need to be crabby. So I found myself apologizing to him for calling so late and saying I was sorry for making him grumpy. Then I realized not too long after a hung up how absoultely NOT SORRY I was. Im not going to apologize for missing him because I love him, and wanting to talk to him. He used to answer my calls at 3 in the morning just because I missed him and couldnt sleep. Now he just hangs up on me. It makes me feel like he loves me less. I feel like that is completely backwards because I feel like I have been a way better girlfriend. Honest to god I havent even looked at a boy since the stupid kiss with some guy I didnt know that could have been a serial killer back in like April. I just, I know he loves me, but I want him to show he loves me. Or atleast I think he loves me, I guess if I really knew he loved me I wouldnt need him to tell me. I dont like asking him super serious questions because he either blows them off, tells me a stupid non-serious answer, or gives me an answer I dont want. I think he really WANTS to be with me forever, but he doesnt actually say those words"I'll be with you forever, or even I want to be with you forever" he just says, "I hope/want things work out" and says that he isnt 100 percent sure that he wants to be with me forever. Those are not the things I want to hear. I couldnt sleep tonight becuase I wanted to actually talk to him about these things but he turned his phone off so I couldnt call him. I dont know why but the stupid little things hurt so much. I mean, its like Im telling him honestly that Im ready to commit the rest of my life to him and hes being like uhh I guess. It makes me feel like hes with me because he is afraid he wont find anything better. Im sure there are people somewhere that could be better for each of us maybe, well maybe for him, but I absolutely love him for me, the things that do annoy me sometimes about him actually are the things about him that make me a better person. And I hate being the girl in the relationship. I really really want to be engaged, I mean we are talking about weddings and starting to look at them from the financial aspect, I want that visual symbol that makes us socially allowed to look at these things. Plus I love love the ring. Its my great grandmothers(shes still alive and wearing it, which makes it slightly awkward) and she has had it for like 60 years of marriage. She took care of me and raised me when I was a child so it really means alot to me for me to be able to share that with Jonathan. And I just think, the way I think about that ring now is mine and Jonathans, and if for some reason everything doesnt go through, I dont think I cold ever use that ring, it would be too weird, like using a wedding ring from a previous marriage for a new one. I love him, and I really really want everything to be good. I just want to hear important words from him. I feel like the most sincere words ive ever gotten from him were discussions after I had been unfaithful, I mean real genuine words from him heart. I want to be able to hear those without it having to be because I screwed up. I want to be rewarded with those words. I love him.