Ever since I made contact with NV back around Christmas she has been in my dreams again more frequently. The dreams are usually to the effect of “Let’s be friends. I’m sorry for how things went back then.” And then as we spend time together we end up developing feelings again. I think my dream last night had more to do with my most recent kind-of ex being on my mind and whenever romantic stuff is involved with me my mind always defaults back to NV.
It’s fucked up because in the dream the “I’m sorry for how things went” is a warm hug of redemption and then at some point as I am awake I remember that in fact, not that. And yet I am not really interested in being romantic with her again. I’m sure she’d say the same what with how well that went last time.
Love is really hard for me. It’s all I want. So if I get it, I obsess about keeping it. It’s really unfair to my partners. And it’s also destructive for me since it led me to allow myself to be abused for 3 years by a pathological liar.
I wrote a joke inspired by liar ex, but not actually directly related to her.
“I had an ex girlfriend who said that the foundation of any relationship is trust. So I was devastated when I found out that she cheated on me. How could someone lie to you like that, you know? When we broke up I wanted to give her a taste of her own medicine. Just give her back a piece of what she gave me. I then came up with a lie that I knew would be enough punishment to sate my soul. So as I walked out the door for the last time I said to her, ‘Hey. I’m not going to murder you.’”