Hey, I hope things get better for you. I know how hard it is to not have friends, because there have been many occasions in my life when I've been isolated from the world, and many times when I've isolated myself from the friends I had. It's not healthy though, you know? Just try to remember that we're all imperfect, but we have to exist regardless of those imperfections. There are friends to be had! You just have to make the effort sometime. In this day and age, people are not necessarily going to flock to each other. It takes a lot of effort to keep friends! Even people I've been friends with for years don't call me voluntarily. I have to do all the work, but it beats being lonely, you know? Well, not all, there is my one exception, but she's 1500 miles away, so I'm left to fight my own battle on some occasions. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in what you're feeling, and that I've been there before. Just try not to let it get to you, okay? Keep fighting! Life is worth it, even when it gets hard, hard to care, hard to be motivated. That's when we have to fight extra hard, to make sure we don't slip into apathy. Full steam ahead!

 

Hope things look up for you soon

Cameron

almost sounds a bit like paranoia...? But I wouldn't know...I'm a graphics major...not a psychology one

I’m not an expert in mental health, but yes, you might be clinically depressed.  And for that I urge you to seek counseling.  Your college or university no doubt has counseling services available and that’s a good place to start.  Note that if you are in fact depressed, it is likely you are not always fun to be around – and thus it may not be that your friend doesn’t like you anymore, but rather that she feels uncomfortable around you. 

 

And although your apathy and feelings of inferiority and worthlessness may be due to depression, I am guessing from what you’ve written that in a Jungian sense you are highly introverted.  If you haven’t looked into Jungian personality types at all I would suggest you take a test such as this one http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp and then learn a bit about your personality type.  The reason I suggest this is because then you will be able to separate out which of your symptoms are innate to your personality and which are probably due to situation or chemical imbalance (and thus are more subject to change). 

 

If you are in fact very introverted (as I am), then most likely throughout your life you will always feel socially a bit out of step with the world around you.  And you’ll probably always have a small social circle, and wrestle a bit with feelings of isolation and loneliness.  You’ll also find yourself continually pondering the meaning of it all, and you’ll strive to understand yourself and why you are the way you are.  Many people are blissfully oblivious to this entire line of self-questioning, but your life alas, may be something akin to one long existential crisis.

 

Such a fate might sound bleak, but it is not.  What makes it bleak is to see the world through that type of lens when you lack faith that there is a purpose and meaning in it all.  I personally believe that psychological introversion and a certain social detachment are symptomatic of a spiritual process that is occurring within you, - that on some unconscious level you are beginning to become disillusioned with the superficiality of life and with the failure of the materialistic worldview to explain the world that you experience around you.

 

As I said before, I’m not an expert.  And I know you’re busy with school work.  But I would suggest that you make time for these things: 

 

First, seek counseling, - or at least identify one person that you can talk to about these things – parent, friend, counselor, pastor, professor, sibling – someone.  Pray about them also, even if you don’t believe in God.  Just the act of speaking your problems will be cathartic. 

 

Second, start reading a bit on personality types so that you can begin the gradual process of understanding yourself at a deeper level.  When you begin to see the "why" behind some of the character traits you do not like in yourself, you will not judge yourself harshly.  Also you will identify good qualities you never knew you had.

 

Third, - and this is a weird one - explore some type of esoteric religious path.  Nearly all religions have both an exoteric (external) teaching, and an esoteric (or “hidden”) teaching.  Esoteric Christianity (see Jung, Rudolf Steiner, Theosophy, Anthroposophy, Contemplative Prayer, A Course in Miracles, etc.) interprets Christ’s life and teachings in a highly symbolic way – VERY different than the literal, legalistic and dogmatic yammering that most of us are familiar with.  Similarly Kabala is the esoteric offshoot of Judaism, Sufism is the esoteric side of Islam, etc.  Hinduism also has both literal and symbolic/esoteric forms, but I’m not sure if the esoteric form has a separate name or not.  Buddhism, is more inherently esoteric.  And strangely enough Jungian psychology itself more or less amounts to a form of spirituality.  (Note however, that colleges only seem to teach Jung’s more “respectable” contributions to psychology such as personality types, archetypes, etc. but his ideas on the process of psychological wholeness are hard to distinguish from a form of spirituality) These traditions all more or less amount to different metaphors for the same underlying truth and that they probably have more in common with each other than they do with their literal theological siblings.  And they all involve spiritual practices such as meditation, yoga, etc. as a means to knowledge.   Explore and find a path and a teaching that resonates with you.

 

The above is certainly a strange recommendation, but while your immediate need is to feel better and to take an edge off the loneliness and despair that you feel, in a larger sense your comments suggest to me that you are a spiritual seeker and that ultimately you will need to find meaning and purpose in your life in order to really be happy with who you are.

 

And now, if you’re still reading, I shall commence on the “pep talk” portion of this diatribe:

 

Although you lack confidence and have self image issues, I believe that your fear that “anyone worth knowing already has friends and they don’t have time for me” may contain a kernel of logistical truth (people are busy and building friendships takes time), but it also contains within it the assumption that you are “not worth getting to know”.  That is false, - merely a psychological projection of your feelings of inadequacy.  You are clearly an attractive, intelligent and sincere person who thinks deeply and is capable of genuine friendship - and I can say unequivocally that the entire human race is in need of people like you, - and that includes those who you see walking around your campus.  Granted college is a busy environment where it’s easy to be overlooked if you’re not a “joiner” by nature, but don’t beat yourself up by telling yourself that others don’t like you or wouldn’t like you, because you have a lot to offer and building friendships for you is a logistical problem, not a reflection of your worth.

 

Also, although I don’t know your family background, there is something you can never quite understand until you actually go through the process of raising children, and that is the feeling that parents have for their children.  Before having kids I never thought much of kids one way or the other, but now that I have them (ages 7 & 9) I have experienced a type of love that is so profound and enduring as to be quite mysterious and mind-boggling.  So, I’m guessing that your parents, if they are the type to tell you continually that they are proud of you, are sincere in saying it.  By “pride” they’re not addressing your accomplishments however, - that’s not how they judge you (that’s apparently how you judge yourself) but rather are expressing in their own way their love and appreciation for you.  Believe me, having doted on you from conception onward and having a better vantage point from which to watch the arc of your life, they have a deep and abiding appreciation and understanding of who you are.

 

Anyway, I’ve said enough and I wish you luck. Don’t be so hard on yourself – resolve that your feelings of lack of self-worth and inadequacy are not “true” but are merely symptomatic of something else.  Don’t measure yourself against others – you aren’t seeing the real them, you’re only seeing the mask they present to the world - just as they probably see only the mask you present to the world and think that you have no problems.  Question your own values and the whether there is merit in the measuring stick you use to judge yourself.  Realize that your feelings about your situation are just that – your feelings, and that others will see value and qualities in you that you aren’t seeing right now.  Accept that what you are going through is largely a result of perception, the lens through which you view the world and the value judgements that you place on yourself - and resolve to work on slowly learning to see yourself, others in a way which bestows meaning and value on things, rather than one that strips your experience of a larger value. Accept that your current emotional sufferings are just a chapter in a much longer and meaningful journey, and that the unpleasantness will pass.

 

Take care. : )

 

Wow thanks for the masive reply! You're not joking when  you call yourself an articulator.

I don't even remember the first time I took a personality test! I'm INTJ- rather pronounced on the I and J

I think you are really onto something when you say to explore the esoteric side of my faith because that's something I neglect. Being such a T, I often feel uncomfortable putting faith in such things but I know it can be done without compromising my core Christian beliefs I've just been slacking I supose.

Like always I am venturing to manage my mood myself before seeking outside help. I have put together a regimin of sorts for myself and just the pro-active aproach is already helping cultivate some optimism. I'm also exploring the cause of this by taking a more analytical look at my handwritten journal which is interesting.

Again thanks for your comments.

You're beautiful. And intelligent? You've got me beat with your vast vocabulary. Being wordy is a good quality in life. You'll go far. Trust me. Keep your chin up

Get help if you can.  But remember that no matter what, you pack your own chute - it's a statement about experienced parachutists, they pack their own chutes after each jump....

Think of life like you would a parachute you were packing, knowing that in the next week or so you would be strapping it on, going out and stepping out into free space at several thousand feet...

One comment on religiou classes.  (This from a person with a Bachelor's in Math and a close to  masters in theology).  Theologians try to make God abstract.  He is real.  When you get to that point the abstract fades and the reality of his love and grace come through, to illuminate your life.