There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so. -- William Shakespeare



I’m 32.  


Just kinda feeling that life anxiety, you know?


All day I read peoples medical records and sob stories:

Do you have any unusual fears? that I won’t accomplish anything….. that I’m a failure at life….. that I’ll never improve…..


Sorry guys those are not “unusual fears” I have those almost daily and I am by any standard a functional member of society.


It’s better than it used to be in some ways and worse in others. My stress over weather I’ll ever “accomplish anything” is slowly diminishing however there’s increasing anxiety over if I am really living my life or if I’m just waiting to die. will I ever have meaning… am I cultivating the relationships I should?


Am I too late?


I think that’s the question that has been gnawing  for expression… am I too late? 


I feel like that’s a question a lot of people work to overcome. You see a lot of inspirational quotes and whatnot about “It’s never too late to fill in the blank” trying to reassure people that they shouldn’t give up and stop trying to do whatever it is the are possibly too old to do. 


I’ve been resisting the urge to reach out bitterly to Paul. For some reason I want to harass him. I want to just be a thorn in his side. But I remind myself: he has no conscience- it is futile. 


Re: Johns writing… Chapter one was far superior to the prologue. honestly I didn’t even make it through the 13 pages of single spaced pages. I gave it up in the interests of a possible future with this man, and skipped to the first chapter. It was engaging and the dialogue was well timed and had a great natural rhythm. I really liked it. He has since revised the Prologue and resent it to me again. It is about half as long and totally restructured. I only went through two pages so far but it’s far more tolerable already. 


Angel still talks to me  a lot. He’s really taken this whole “lets be friends” thing pretty seriously. Every now and then he brings up something that he clearly thinks will make me sentimental and missing him and it has turned into a fight…. 4 of 5 times? I honestly don’t know how he doesn’t see it coming. 


I told him I was at the book store last night while I was waiting to be called into the daycare. He asks me why he and I never hung out at the book store together that seems like fun… um maybe because you always work and you’re only available starting at 9 and they close at 10 most nights and 9 on Sundays which is they day he usually wanted to hang out. He tells me I shouldn’t assume things he could have got time off I told him how would I know since he wouldn’t take a weekend day when I wanted to take him to 6 flags for his birthday. So I’m to think he will change his schedule to loiter at the book store but not go to a theme park during some scare thing that he’s been talking about for months? That’s not logical at all. 


Here he thinks he’s going to place happy sweet thoughts of things I can possibly do with him and it just reminds me that no, he doesn’t do shit with me and it’ not even because it’s me it’s because the  work is more important than me.… We went “out” one time in 2016. It was to the fair. it was after 9 on a Sunday night. 





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