Michelle and I have an eventful last couple of days. During therapy last week I was told that my diagnoses of Borderline Personality Disorder was misdiagnosed. So there I was sitting in therapy feeling more lost than I ever had. She says my problem is I am emotionally and physically disconnected. I need to allow myself to feel and express my emotions. So my process of taking my armour off started on Friday night. During an intimate moment with Michelle I started to cry so hard. But she kept saying, "open your eyes and see me". That was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It is my response to difficult things to close my eyes, drop my head, and cry. And then I started to tell Michelle about things that I had never told her about. Then Saturday night we spent a couple of hours talking again. She tells me she is more in love with me now because I am opening up and being 100% honest with her. How can I allow someone to love me? Running has always been my response to love and being "comfortable". I have always believed I was unloveable. Michelle says I have a golden heart. What does that mean? That I am a good person? How could someone see that in me. But at the same time I want to see what everyone else sees in me. I am told by many people that I am a very good person with many things to be proud of. Well, I guess I should try and go back to bed and cuddle with Michelle. She woke up because I wasn't in bed. She always knows when I am missing. Could it be love?
loved
