When you see the destination

It's not entirely accurate to say that I'm thinking about divorce.  I'm thinking about not being married any more.  To be honest, it doesn't strike me as being particularly appealing.  But I should start with more exposition I suppose.  My wife and I have been married thirteen years now.  They've been on the balance good years.  There are no major...things, dramatic episodes I can point to, which stand out as being unhappy times.  I cannot complain that she is a selfish or unkind person.  We clicked years ago, and continued to click for many years, through moves and job changes (numerous) and kids (three to be exact).

But since moving to Phoenix three years ago, she has...not exactly changed, but I feel as if I am less and less important to her all of the time.  It's a rare occasion indeed when she plans anything with me.  I can plan things, if her schedule allows, and the stars align (which they rarely do anymore).  This place, where we have become essentially people who live together, doesn't bother her.  I have told her that I don't like this in the past, she doesn't seem bothered by my unhappiness. 
Here's an example.  Our anniversary was May 20th.  She had made it clear to me that any planning was to be my business.  I considered this fair, as she actually planned a very nice trip for us last year.  I made it clear to her that I could not plan anything without knowing her volunteer schedule with the church she attends.  She never gave me a firm date around which to plan anything.  Our anniversary came and went.  We made plans to visit the Grand Canyon, with just each other, without committing to a date.  She has consistently talked as if we'll do it "next month" for two months now, and no dates have appeared.  That pretty much sums up the state of our relationship.  We are people who live under the same roof, and share parenting duties.  I have known for some time that her intention is to fill her life up with duties and obligations and responsibilities that work directly against us being alone together as a couple. 

This despite the fact that I have told her several times that what I wanted most from marriage was simply to have somebody with which to enjoy doing things.  But I see now that what she wants is a busy life, one where there may be time to cram in a date with your husband on Saturday evening if she can get a sitter oh wait, the church called and they need her to help out sorry bye.  She got exactly the marriage she wanted, and I have worked hard to give it to her.  Now, too late, I've found out that I was working against my own happiness all that time. 

A few nights ago after leaving the gym (an activity I had hoped we would enjoy together but which she has abandoned), I drove to a deserted stretch of road below the mountains.  A gust front from a distant line of storms blew through as I stood there watching the moon shine down on the desert and listening to the wind murmur across the field of grass next to the road.  It was the most peaceful place I have experienced in some time.  It wasn't really until then that I realized that things like enjoying a full moon, hiking in the mountains, relaxing, enjoying nature, would not be something I would ever share with her.  It has become plain to me that any deep pleasure and fulfillment I find in life, I will have to seek alone.  Maybe that's just the destiny of every man and woman, and I have only now realized it.

So now I see the destination.  I can wait, and wait, and continue to wait, for someone who wants me less and less with each passing year.  How many years could I feign happiness?  I don't know.  I've feigned it for some time already.  Funnily enough, I don't feel the need to seek out someone else to take her place.  It's as if there's no place there to fill.  It's a saddening thought, and it fills me with loneliness, but that's just the way I feel.  So for a while now I've consigned myself to living emotionally alone, but functionally together. 

As I said, I have tried to communicate this to her on several occasions, but my attempts have never borne fruit beyond the light emotional pat on the head and a couple of attempts at deeper companionship which quickly disappear under the weight of her other responsibilities.  And now, this time, I'm feeling different.  My stomach has been perpetually tied in knots for days now.  Since I realized I'm going to have to tell her. It's really not fair to let her live a lie, thinking that I am the same happy appliance in the corner I have behaved as for years, content for whatever scraps of her attention I receive.  No, I am going to have to tell her that our relationship is on a trajectory that throws me out of it like a meteor looping around the sun before disappearing back into deep dark space.

But I won't tell her anything tonight. She is off to a two day religious retreat on the other side of the valley, which I took a day off from work to allow her to have.  This is something I do not begrudge her, but stands as another telling instance of what I am to her.  In the past I would have thought my sacrifices were an act of love, but now I know that they are simply things given, without expectation that they will earn me any greater standing or importance with her.

Would I be willing to "save" our marriage?  I suppose so.  But I have lived in a bubble removed from her life for so long now that I view her in much the same light as I view my coworkers at the office.  Someone I meet when I go somewhere where I have a job to do.  I know, and yes I am a bastard for feeling this way.  We have kids for god's sake, can't I just carry on with a smile for them, at least until they are gone?  If I must, I suppose I can.  To be honest, I have no fucking clue what I will do next.