Things aren't exactly copecetic

I have someone in my life who I love very dearly, but frankly, is much too emotional. Everything is an issue, a fight, a concern. Everything has to be discussed for hours on end. I grow tired when I realize there is no end in sight. There never is.

We talk and talk. About him, about me, about anything and everything that bothers him. Over and over and over.Many times I become frustrated and tell him I don't want to talk anymore. I can't fix his problems. I can't fix my own.

He is hurt by the fact I have begun to refuse to be there for him. Sometimes I feel like a bad person for this. But the dance we do does not solve anything. It does not make anything better.

He pressures me. Makes me feel guilty for living my life. I feel like if he isn't, than I shouldn't either. I should sit at home with him and talk about being sad. But I'm not sad. I want to live my life.

And I don't think I should have to feel guilty for being happy.

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openeyes on

Re: Things aren't exactly copecetic

I just came across a book on amazon that seems to fit this very well, "stop walking on eggshells" by Paul Mason. Even though it focuses on dealing with people with a certain mental disorder (often one of becoming extremely attached to people, in a decidedly negative sense) I think it can apply to, and be useful for, many people.

Basically, 2-3 years ago (and occasionally still) I was the person that constantly overwhelmed close friends with my problems, getting a rush from the acceptance they gave me. Eventually I saw it wasn't helping anyone and if anything was making me worse off, so I decided to change. I may have been much better off had more people been strong enough to reject my whining rather than feeling that they had to give me constant emotional support.

Emotions are addictive, and if someone finds that having a lot of drama in their life will produce a desirable response (attention from cute girls and such) than they're apt to continue producing such drama.

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elektra on

Re: Things aren't exactly copecetic

I'm with you. I know people like that, and as much as I care for and about them, things can just go too far sometimes. There's gotta be a line drawn somewhere, so that you can still be there for them occasionaly, but they're not smothering you or themselves in the process. And no, I don't think you should feel guilty for being happy. I think more people should share their happiness! Anyway, just a thought.

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dyslexicchaos on

Re: Things aren't exactly copecetic

You guys are exactly right. If he sees you giving in, even a little, he'll just hit you harder, guilt is a powerful emotion, and it can be a powerful weapon. I know it's hard to see someone punish themself, especially when they seem to be doing it in the name of you, but if they see you feel sympathy for them, they know they're winning, and that all their suffering wasn't in vein. There has to come a point when you draw the line, and move on. If they see that you aren't going to play the guilt game, they'll eventually stop hurting themselves and move on. It'll be tough at first, but if you hold strong, you'll both end up better off.