Lost and Found

You came into my life unexpectedly, and knocked me off of my feet with your ability to spill your guts onto the page, spewing your pain and sorrow in such an eloquent way, leaving me wondering how one person could contain such pain and sorrow and still live to tell the tale.

But tell the tale you did, and reading your work wrenched my heart, wringing it out like a washrag, causing a longing in me to save you from your agony, yet helplessly looking on as you spiraled down into the oblivion of depression and heartache.

You were like the little girl who had a little curl in the middle of her forehead, whom my mother had always told me about (and accused me of being like).  When you were good, you were very very good, but when you were bad, you were horrid.   One moment you would be there, playing scrabble with me, as cheerful as a lark, as though yesterday had not happened, when you had not been able to contain your grief.  I knew then that you had serious problems, but you insisted that your medications took away that creative edge that your readers loved, and you refused to take them, all the while self destructing, addictions keeping you in their vice like grip, refusing to drop the stranglehold they had on you.

We instantly became friends, in those times when I could tolerate you, or when you would turn up after days or weeks of not coming by, when you were wallowing in the mire of your depression, drinking to take away the pain, yet causing vicious cycle after vicious cycle.  I recognized myself in you, and where I could have been, but for the grace of God.

You, as did I, questioned a God who would allow a person to go through such mental anguish, allowing you to cry out in pain, and yet, not coming to the rescue.  I had prayed the same prayer, and tried to escape addictive behavior but there was no God in sight and His people frowned on Psychiatric help in favor of "turning to Jesus, who took stripes on His back for you".  I know now, as do you, that He was there all the time, and allowed things to happen for a reason, but that He gives wisdom and knowledge to caring physicians who know the illnesses of the mind.

You disappeared two years ago, just as quickly as you had come.  Now you were here, and I had found a friend, with whom I felt an empathy, and just as soon, you disappeared.

I sorrowed over you, for it felt as if a part of me, a person who had known what it felt like to be me, had been wrenched away, like the rib from under Adams' breast;  but you did not become a new creation for my pleasure as his rib did. It seemed you had gone forever, leaving a consistent aching in my side.

Time dulled the ache, but never erased the memories of you, or stopped me from hoping against hope, and praying that you had not taken your own life, as you had so often wished to do.  I just prayed that the spark of potential that I saw in you would somehow have ignited a spark in you to take control and do something to turn your life around.

"And suddenly I turned around, and what do you think I found?" (lines of a song i love) There you were! When I saw your picture, I thought at first that I had seen an apparition, for surely if it were you, you would not mind me talking to you, communicating again after all this time, which meant, YOU WERE OKAY!

The gift of today, was a present I could only dream of.  Here you were, my friend of friends, back in my life, but to tell me that you had sought help again, and had stumbled on a wise doctor who was able to diagnose and treat the core of your problem.  And, joy of all joys, you are still able to write.  But this time, instead of pain bursting forth, regurgitated onto the page, there are words of joy that come from a soul who has, at last found peace.

We spoke, and each found that we had found help, hope and inner quietude that we thought could not exist.  You are with the wife of your youth, and have the favor of your darling daughter....a miracle you thought could never happen.  We have both received second chances at this life that at one time spun out of our control. 

There may be inner demons for a while, even years to come, but with the help of God, as well as medication and wise physicians, we now know we can overcome and stay healthy and at peace.

I am so glad you are back, my friend, and that you are the one I saw in you from the first.  For now, you are not HORRID at all, but very very good!

This friend is crushgroove67 if any of you wish to skip over to his blog and welcome him back after his two year sabbatical.  This one's for you, JB, my friend!