torment of a genius

im fed up. ive been fed up for quite a while now. i blame alot of my problems on my parents, and as i blog this u will see my justifications for placing alot of blame on their lap, i accept alot of my own actions have been my own choices. im 24 years old, and the shit ive had to deal with and continuly have to deal with is a joke. i will start as most at the beggining and i will try and show u what i see. apparently i was a handful when i was younger, hyperactive and a bit destructive. i remember clearly my parents telling me my first day at school was bad. i went round kicking everyone and got in a few fights. then the teacher had a word with me and i calmed down. when i was around 4 my parents got divorced. my brother was concieved as my parents would reveal as my parents were getting divorced which is something i would personally never have told my child if i had one. through alot of my childhood i had both my parents trying to sway my opinion. my mum would tell us stories about our dad spending the last of ttheir money on booze, and trying to poison us against our dad. my mum is now 55 and is a bitter twisted depressed resentful and hateful. i had trouble at school with bullying and getting in fights, and i suffered the same at home with my mum calling me names, and i remember in my earlier child hood being hit, one instance being thrown at her cooker, my brother remembers being thrown down the stairs and he had a fracture in his arm. as school went on i was recongised by some teachers as being "gifted" and they knew i was intelligent beyond my years one of the first teachers to recongise this was in my first school encourgaged me to go to this club which i went a few times then my mum couldnt be bothered to take there anymore. i then went to high school and still had problems with bullys and in my final years of school my mum had to sell the house. she really did a good job on brain washing and manipulating me and my brother against my dad, and we didnt speak to him for about a year, she did this by means of one way conversations on the phone letting us hear what she said and not what was responded. my parents had a lot of custody battles over me and my brother, because my mum made it hard for our dad to see us. it was at this time i was doing my gcse's, we ended up in bed and breakfast accommodation with my mum and this made it hard for me to study. also i should have mentioned earlier is that one of my mums first boyfriends john, caused me and my bro a lot of suffering, he hit us, and on one occasion said to me if i ever told my  mum this hed kill me, she had a slew of abusive boyfriends, one keith an alcoholic one night ripped the new cupboards of the wall he put up breaking a lot of my mums glasses and plates and he even grabbed me at one point and i clearly remember giving him a hard elbow in the guts and winding him. i digest tho. i dont know what happened between my parents to cause them to divorce entirely, and i never will knwo but what i do know is that my dad is an incredibly selfish person. imho. he has tried a little bit to be there for me and my brother but in hindsight (what a marvellous tool hindsight is!) hes been as minuplutive as my mum. near the end of school and close to my exams i started smoking cannabis. my mum and dad smoked hash but this is neither here nor there. i dont know how but first living in a single room in harrow and i mean a single room with my bro and mum i managed to do some of my gcses and got into college. that was a traumatising period. a lot of my early memories of my mum has been her in pubs, drinking, being aggressive, abusive and drunk. in this one room i was sickeneded. my mum had this guy who was fat huge smelly had some grotesque growth on his stomach and my mum had him a friend of hers and her friends date in the one room,. with me and my bro trying to sleep! so we eventually moved out of there inot a flat in queensbury where my mum bought and started selling a lot of cannabis. in the fridge there where big bags of grass, and in her room bars of hash. between school and college i helped my self to these and enjoyed smoking them. there was a lot of trouble int hat flat, from getting in fights with some of my brothers ruffian mates, to police coming round saying "i remember this place, there was a guy overdosed on the floor here last week!" one incident which was the last straw was my mum made a roast dinner, and i was watching simpsons, she brought dinner in and said put eastenders on, seeing as eastenders was not on i continued watching. she went to the kitchen and came back with some horseraddish and a spoon. she ranted at me to change the channel while she was standing next to the tv, and ended up throwing a spoonful of horseraddish at me. i barged past her, and she threw herself to the floor the opposite way i was going (if i barge someone generally they go the way im going not behind unless my pyshics is wrong) she screamed for me to get out her house, which i started doing, i headed to my room and started packing. ten minutes or so later the police turned up. my mum had called them to kick me out! when they came to my room i was shocked at first, and when they told me my mum had called them to kick me out, i laughed at them and said "what does it look like im doing?" they were perplexed i beleive, and theyve gone back to her, adn then they came back, and said "weve had a word with your mum, she wants you to stay" and turned to the cop and i laughed, and said to the cop something like u couldnt pay me to stay, and i asked them to stay while i packed up, they asked me where i was going, and i told them probably the streets. they didnt seem all that bothered. after packing i dragged my shit down the road and knocked at my dads who conviently lived close by. he let me move in and stay with him. i lived with him for about 2 years, and for the first year and a half or so i didnt have any conta`ct with my mum. i was going to college from my dads but that was a continual struggle, looking back i dont have a clue how i did it. i dont remember if my dad helped me with travel or not, i seem to remember asking and him laughing about how much i wanted so i didnt bother asking again. i had to walk sometimes 2 \hours to college, and i had holes in my trainers,a nd couldnt afford new ones, i was again bullied in college by my peers, which made it difficult, especially coming from home problems to college, ive always been very introverted so i generally keep my problems to myserlf. having enough of having to walk to college i looked for work in my 2nd year, and found some and started a job. i had quite a few jobs after i left college, and i ended up in market research. i wasnt too much of a cananbis smoker, but when i started in market reasearhc i met this guy and he selled weed so i started buying some. i had a crew of friends and we ran around together drinking and smoking and stuff, and it all escalted in futility with me having a mental break down. i ended up in a bad state from smoking too much potent cannabis. i had delusional thoughts, i was basically flat out crazy. i spent a year from becoming ill to getting out. while i was in hospital  i was actually accepted into a university which again when i got the letter sickened me i hindsight. 6 months in a mental institute was mad, being in rehab was weird, i then ended up temporarily living with my mum and then getting my own council flat on medical reasons, in borehamwood. and then. well. things havent very much changed, i feel depressed drained and stressed, and wish a lot of the time i was dead. i blame alot of my issues on my mum being irrational aggressive alcoholic, who weve recently leanred and kinda suspected is on crack cocaine and has been probably for years on and of, im generally fed up with life, because i know that if a few things had gone differently i wouldnt be in the rut i am now. everyone tells me how intelligent i am and that pisses me of everytime i hear it. ive smoked a lot of cannabis over the years and its ruined my life. i should be earnign silly money doing something in computers, or it or media, or film. but due to damn genetics i was cursed with mental illness, alcoholic parents, and abusive up bringing. i want to say its not my fault im a mess but in a way it is. i dont ever want children. i dont want to bring them into this shitty world. i am probably bi polar but doctors are rubbish at disagonsing illnesses, and i was probably bi-polar from an early age and it wasnt recongised. a study recently showed a lot fo people who are depenedant on drugs didnt have their parents around in early life, my brother is even more fucked up then me, but he hasnt had to suffer a institualisonation but he has recently had a mental breakdown which lasted a few days, and hes strugglisng to get the help he needs. my mum keeps winding me up as well. she makes little jibes and comments on a constant basis and if she keeps it up im going to end up doing something i regret like kicking the crap out of her. im fed up of both my parents, my dad moved to scotland a few years ago, and my mum has recently started talking to him because of my brother and yesterday she tried stirring shit bewtween me and my dad cos i dont feel like talking to him at the moment and she dropped me in it telling him i was here, at hers, when i didnt want to speak him, my favourite slur against her at the moment is "you married him" or "u shagged him!". today maybe the day i smash my mums flat up with her with it, depends how far she pushes me. yesterday i cam e close. and i fi do it will not be my fault because she winds me up on purpose i try and tell her not to say some things and then she says them anyways and wonders why i get so wound up. i hate my genetics. i NEVER want kids, cos i wouldnt want to infect them with my genes, or to put them through this rubbish existence. if my i smash my mums flat and her up, ill probably goto prison i guess, which is likely cos if she drives me mad one mromore time, ill be mashing everything. her hd tv, her laptop, washing machine, fish tank, coffee table, ug. i hope i dont, and i hope she dont wind me up.