what's with my life?

I'm sitting here, wanting to cut myself open just so I can see something bleed. I've been thinking about slitting my wrists a lot lately. not to commit suicide, but just because they'll bleed more than my stomach. and if i cut higher on the arm, the winter months are coming so no one will notice. I haven't studied for my midterm tomorrow. Why should i? right now i don't think my life is going to go anywhere. Every one who I consider friends is off living their own lives. That's great. I just wish I could be a part of it. Wish i could do something other than binge eat and break my own skin because i'm in a pain i can't escape. The only person I want to talk to....I don't know what it is, but I always say something to make him upset. I called him today, left a message cuz i thought he was gonna call me back, and i think it might have been a little bitchy. he called me a while ago, and i appologized cuz i was depressed when i called. He said it was ok. i asked him about the stuffed animals. He started yelling and getting all pissed off. He was just like, "I don't know, I don't remember!" wtf? i asked him so calmly and nicely. i kept just saying, "calm down, calm down." I wasn't in the mood for a fight and hadn't even anticipated one, hence why my door was still open when i called. I always make him upset. He hung up cuz he has work to do. I'm glad he's taking more responsibility with his work. after all, he doesn't have a psycho bitch girlfriend to deal with anymore.

I was gonna masterbate and fall asleep but emily came back. she just told me she's gonna leave in like 10 mins, but now i'm too depressed for even that. i think i'm gonna go for a walk. Maybe into town. I'd go in the forest, but I know i'd smoke pot when I found a group of stoners willing to share, and I really shouldn't. I feel like such a hypocrite when i do. Maybe into town. If this is how I'm going to spend my days feeling, I might as well be a prostitute whoring myself out to desperate single men in their 30's who have no other way to get off. I don't see the point in anything else. There isn't one.