we'll see where this goes

i talked to albert today. like hella. like more than i thought i would get to. i had a job interview at 1:00 to maybe get an on campus job over the summer, *fingers crossed that i get it!* n when i was walking back up the hill to the main campus, i saw i had a new voicemail. it was from him, saying he was on his way to campus n that he'd meet me at 3:30 like i'd asked. i thought about walking back to the bss building but i thought that i might run into cyn n albert if i did, so i just went n sat kinda by the library for a while cuz i wanted to see if my phone was letting me send texts now. i don't kno what's wrong w/ it, i can receive texts just fine, but i haven't been able to send them for like three days now. while i was sitting there, tho, albert walked up to me. the first thing i could say was, "you're alone." he said, "yeah" kinda like "duh". he sat down next to me n i tried to think of where to begin n i told him how i've been feeling. i told him like everything from those videos, n he then said he'd watched them earlier, n apparently he read a few entries, too, which i found out after talking to him some more. i didn't feel like i was really done talking to him when it was time for us to go to class, tho, so i asked him if he'd meet me at 3:30 still while/after i registered for class n he said "yes." i went to class feeling ok. i didn't feel perfect, still even on the suicidal side, but somethings were out now. however, when i was done i'd gotten this text from cyn:

i hear u r having PTSD issues regarding me. Is tils something u and i should talk about rather than going thru albert

so i think its understandable that i was kinda peeved getting this. i told albert that i was having issues with BOTH of them, n when i saw him again i asked him what i told cyn, told him about this text n was just like wtf? he said that he'd tried to tell her that, but i guess she didn't get it. that, n i told him that i didn't tell him that shit just to go n tell her. i wasn't talking to him because i wanted him to then go talk to her for me, i just wanted to talk to him because i wanted HIM to know what i've been going thro n dealing w/ lately n i wanted to work it out w/ HIM. i asked albert why i should trust telling anything else to him if he's just gonna go n tell her since she wasn't supposed to kno anything in the first place. it scares me because before he left i asked him what he was gonna tell her n i knew he was gonna have to tell her something because he'd told her he was going to meet w/ me n talk to me after class. i'm still scared, n in a way i'm not sure i really want to know or how it was twisted around.

but like i said, me n albert hella talked. like, i skipped my class at 4:00 n didn't got to the meeting for my group that has a huge project for human sexuality due next wednesday at 5:00. oh, and i was about 5 minutes late to the meeting i had at 6:30. we HELLA talked n it was SO NICE. its not like i walked away from the conversation feeling warm n fuzzy inside. i'm still feeling depressed n i can still feel the anxiety it me. however, being able to get out how i feel n being able to hear a bit about how he feels was really nice. will it get us anywhere? probably not, it never does. but at least i kno he knows how i'm feeling n i know a bit of how he's feeling. the problem is that i still have a great lack of trust in him, so quite a bit of it i don't believe...but i want to.

when i got home, my roomie mike enlightened me to more stupid room mate shit, but i'd rather keep this entry focused on the cyn n albert bullshit than switch to that bullshit. since cyn sent me a text n i couldn't send one back, and i really don't want to call her because i feel like i don't really have anything to say, i figured i'd check my myspace to send her something n figured she might have already sent me a message, n sure enough she had.

Albert told me earlier today that you are having PTSD triggers because of me.  I don't understand what I did.  What is the problem?  And is it something that you should be talking to me about rather than trying to go through Albert to resolve it? (we all know how going through Albert to get/relay/send messages went)

He also told me that you were upset that I didn't say hi to you in the hallways a couple days ago.  I looked at you and I waved.  Besides just a few minutes prior to that I saw you in the bookstore and said, "Hi Jennifer" while you paying at the register, you didn't even acknowledge me.  I don't know if that is because you were too busy listening to music, you didn't hear me, or you just didn't want to reply.  Then outside the bookstore I smiled and waved.  In the halls, I did not hear you say hi, so no, I was not ignoring you.

Wednesday I went to the BSS building to talk to one of my teachers.  Yes, you and I spoke, but I didn't realize that there was a problem with that.  Albert said that you thought that I was "doing it on purpose."  Doing what on purpose?  I spoke with my teacher, I knew Albert would be out of class in half an hour, I needed the car and it was parked at the Daybreak.  So I decided to wait for him and walk with him to the Daybreak since I knew he was going there anyway.  I'm not sure where your problem is, but if there is one in regards to me, tell me, not Albert.  He is no longer you boyfriend, is not there to comfort you (although I know that is what he is trying to do right now). 

Well, I guess I got the wrong impression yesterday.  I thought that you were doing okay and that you and I might finally have made to back to talking terms.  But we'll see.  I hope you are feeling better and no, I am not "doing this to hurt you."  I want to know what's wrong and right any negative impressions you may have gotten from me in the last couple days.

If this is something better resolved in person or through the phone let me know.  Otherwise write me back.  And let's keep the email civil please.

again- peeved at the lack of communication n at the fact that albert felt the need to say anything to her. i wrote:

There's a bit of a miscommunication there: i did not tell him that its because of you, its because of the both of you. i brought that up w/ him after i got ur text (btw my phone hasn't been letting me send texts for like the past three or four days) n he said that he'd tried to make that clear to u too...its not just u, its BOTH of u.

my intention of telling albert this information was not to try to talk to u thro him. he actually wasn't supposed to say anything to u at all cuz if i wanted u to kno what i've been going thro lately, i'd just tell u myself. i asked him why he told u n he said it was because he thought it would make things better, but really i hadn't wanted him to say anything to u at all n he wasn't supposed to.

the thing is i don't kno why i'm triggering so badly. usually when i reach this point, there's a reason for it- overdrawn questioning from cops, learning i mean nothing to someone i love- but this time, its not like something happened before i started having these kind of reactions when i walk thro certain parts of town or campus. i don't kno what pushed me over the edge to the point that i'm getting honest flashbacks now, they're not just thoughts i can't get rid of. the fact that u didn't say hi to me in the hallway gave me the same, "well so much for being on speaking terms" impression that hearing this misinformation has given u. i spent the next hour struggling to keep myself from having an anxiety attack. i barely even remember what we talked about in class on tuesday because i couldn't concentrate. all i wanted to do was leave n cry n cut.

the only other thing i kno to say is that on sunday night i went to a party accross the street from hole-in-the-wall sandwiches by ur place, n at first i was having a lot of fun but the more drunk i got the more depressed i got n looking down the street n seeing the houses behind longs started triggering me, but i was still relatively ok. somehow, tho, i ended up ending the night crying in reanna's car about how much i hate myself because i can't get over albert. i don't remember what set me off n pushed me to that point, which really scares me, but maybe whatever it was has contributed to what's been goin on with me this week. i've also had a lot of other school/room mate/etc. shit going on besides all of this

i guess the only other thing i kno to say is just that i need my 5 minutes to talk to him alone when i get the chance. it helps me get my feelings out n it makes me feel good to kno that there is someone who cares about the stupid shit that happens everyday, like puma clawing me in the face while i'm sleeping or his fat ass turning my printer on when he sits on it because his ass is so fat. it would also be nice if u didn't hang around when i'm tabling down there, or at least give me the 5 minutes to talk to him n only him.

i don't really feel like explaining the mechanics of PTSD n i figure that if u really wanna kno, u'll look it up. basically, tho, even tho i kno ur not a physical threat to me, my brain perceives u as one n i then react physically the same way i would if i was actually being attacked. i don't really want to get into why, but that's just the way its wired now. its been wired that way since u made me n albert break up. so its not like u've done anything new, its just that seeing u triggers all the same things that it has for two months now + whatever the fuck happened this weekend that i get flashbacks now just from walking past the wrong place or seeing the wrong thing. for example, when i got home tuesday i had to immediately take the sharpies that i'd bought at the bookstore out of my backpack because seeing them in there made me flashback to seeing u guys outside the bookstore, starting with seeing them in my backpack n then looking up n seeing u guys. i'm sure that doesn't make any sense to u, but that's just the way us PTSD kids think.

it concerns me that albert felt the need to tell u anything, n i even asked him why i should trust him n tell him anything anymore if he's just gonna tell u. i also asked him what he was gonna tell u when he got home, cuz i knew he was gonna have to tell u something, n he said he'd talk about the shit w/ my room mates n "stuff like that." beyond that he couldn't say, so i'm sure u've heard all kinds of other crazy half-truths on what we talked about, but again, i was confiding in him as a friend since he's pretty much the only one i can talk to about a lot of this shit n he wasn't supposed to be saying anything that i'd said to anyone else

i feel like i told her too much personal information n that a lot of that isn't her business, but my desire to clear things up as much as possible was stronger than those reservations. the only reason she knows i have PTSD in the first place is because she hunted down this blog so she could spy on me n albert. but i dunno, i think that's pretty civil? n yea, pretty much anything else i wanted to say is in those messages...so i dunno, hopefully things won't just go straight to shit again, but knowing my luck they probably will. at least i got to talk to albert a lot more than i expected, n we talked about a lot of things, even things i haven't talked about on here yet.

when i went to go to my meeting he was like, "now i need to call cyn so she can chew me out," (in the time we were talking, he got called 3 times. i don't kno if they were all her, but i wouldn't be surprised) n i was like, "uh, i missed the meeting for my group project n i'm late for this one, so don't talk about being in trouble," lol. jackie's one of my group members tho n she'd seen me n albert talking before we had class, n i'd called her for a moment while me n albert were talking n just left her a message saying i was taking care of some shit n i'd be there asap. she called a while later n left another message saying it was ok if i needed to deal w/ shit n to call her when i was done w/ my meeting at 6:30 to let her kno i'm ok. i did n she was so understanding, it made me feel a little better. anyway, ppl were yelling at puma a bit ago so i'm gonna see what that's about n then go to bed so i can wake up early, pack a change of clothes n take the greyhound to the bay so i can see my bro in urinetown.