relationshipsi'm at albert's again waiting for him to come back from work. after that we're supposed to go to Eureka and do some stuff and possibly see the movie cloverfield while we're there. i'm still reacting to this whole situation similarly to the way i did when my grandma died, but last night i discovered something that brings me right back to the reality of the situation- pot. some of u may know that when i used to get stoned, it would make me think of the whole situation between me n raver jimmy that much more and that was when the reality and the pain really set in. its was the only thing that i actually felt worse about or couldn't detach from when i got stoned as opposed to, well, the opposite.
two nights ago before cyn told us that she's officially too jealous to let us stay together, which is fucking stupid because i brought up every single one of these points about jealousy, (like, "what if i moan differently in bed with him" and all that other crap) before we got together n she said it was fine, i was watching Lucky # Slevin with my new roomies, mike n stephanie and stephanie's bf justin, and we got stoned first. there's a scene in there when josh hartnett and lucy liu's characters are in bed together but they're just laying there, rolling around, laughing, talking about james bond, and having a good time. they're not just laying there after sex, they're actually talking to each other. (if u've seen the movie, u probably know what i'm talking about) the thing is, sitting there watching it...it reminded me of me and albert. how we'll just joke around and talk and hang out really afterwards, we don't just pass out and let that be the end of it, unless we're like super tired and its super late at night. it hurt so bad that i had to go call him and talk to him for a bit...that and he'd said he was going to call me and he hadn't yet, haha.
but anyway, last night when he came back we got stoned, and i showed him some music videos and funny cartoons on the internet...and then after that, i just looked at him and i just cried- and cried, and cried, and cried, and cried. i cried so much that i couldn't breath, and even after that i still couldn't stop crying. it just hit me all of a sudden. hearing cyn saying it, of course it had hurt then...i think the thing that hurt the most was when she said, "Albert is my life partner" because it only fixed it in my head that no matter how much i hope he does, albert will never come back to me...he's too clingy when it comes to love, just like me, hence why its so hard for us to let go...but yeah, the true realization that here i was, happy, had exactly what i wanted, what i've wanted my whole life, right here, is now being ripped away. albert isn't perfect, but i love the fact that he won't let me think that. nam and i had a LOT of fucking problems because he loved this idea of me thinking of him as my perfect savior, my knight in shining armor that took me away from the evils of my past and was going to pave the rest of my life with romance and happily ever afters. albert is a lot more realistic. he actually listens to me. when i cry, he holds me. i feel bad because he told me a long time ago that when he sees girls cry, even if they're crying because they're happy, he doesn't know what to do. i'm so used to ppl trying to give me bullshit advice or something when i cry, but albert doesn't do that. he just holds me, and sometimes that's all i want. i told him that i know he does that because he doesn't know what else to do, but it feels so good to have someone just do that and only that. fuck, when ppl cry in front of cyn she just sits there.
albert is also super understanding. like, when i try to talk to him about something and i explain myself afterwards, he's almost always got another experience to share that's almost just like the one i had. i really feel like he understands ME- who i am as a person, where i'm coming from, why i am the way i am, why i think the way i do. Anna is the only other person i've ever felt truly understood me inside and out, and i wonder if it will be like that with albert, too, once i tell him i have PTSD...yeah, i've decided that once we're officially broken up i'm going to tell him, and i'm gonna make him promise not to tell cyn. i don't care if they both already heard it out of gabby's fucking mouth or not, if he tells her then i'm going to tell her that albert lied to her about doing meth. plain and simple. the reason i'm going to tell him then is because i kinda see it this way: everytime i have told a non-internet friend about what my ex did to me, it ultimately fucks up the relationship. apparently its too much to ask ppl not to make rape jokes or not to watch law n order or CSI when i'm around, or to not show me movies with rape scenes in them or even just talk about the fucking subject or say the fucking word or any other shit related to it when i'm around them. i'm sure that it will be no different with albert- sure, maybe he'll be respectful of it at first, most ppl usually are unless ur a fucking dumbass like gabby- but i didn't want him to know before because i didn't want to lose him. i lost Nam because of it, n i didn't want it to happen again. i didn't want to say anything until i absolutely had to. now, however, i'm losing him anyway, so what's the point? n who fucking knows, maybe now he'll hurt me so much because of this shit n he'll truly see how crazy i am to the point that we fall out of love with each other. i already know he's gonna fall out of love with me before i do with cyn. i know he's mad at cyn for doing this to us, he really is, but like i said, he's clingy and needy for affection and attention from partners the same way i am and i'm sure he'll get over it and displace all his feelings for me back on her n that will be that...i'll be single, chasing some little fantasy like the dumb little girl i am, and he'll have moved on with life. if i start telling him those deep secrets, tho, n he can't remember that shit the way that no one else except my brother brian does, then maybe it will help rip us apart...and i'll get over him a little faster...hopefully...
i've also decided that i'm gonna give him the link to this blog afterwards, too. i've told him about it and he said semi-sarcastically that he's sad he's not one of the special ppl that get to see this blog. currently my brother is the only person that i haven't met from some website that is. but i figure that if i'm gonna tell him that, why bother not letting him see it? there's some stuff about me n raver jimmy i don't want him to know n he's gonna learn what my "one night stand's" name is, (whenever i refer to that with albert, i'm talking about ben even tho i guess technically he's not the only one that i've had), but whatever...yeah, he can see how clingy and crazy and emotional i really am, haha...part of me thinks its a mistake, but if it doesn't bring him closer to me it will only push him away, and maybe that's what i should be wanting right now. i told him that, too, that i feel like i have nothing left to lose with him in a way because we're already breaking up and that's the thing that i didn't want to happen. i really don't want to lose him as a friend, i don't, but if its the only way we can get over each other, then so be it.
i think that's pretty much everything i wanted to say for now. i'm think i'm gonna go read for a bit or something, albert should be coming back from work soon. i don't know why i trust that dumb boy so much, but i do. i've let him do things with me in bed that i NEVER thought i'd let a guy do- blindfold me, I EVEN LET HIM HOLD MY HANDS DOWN!!! not two with one hand, tho, that still triggers me n i have to be in the mood for it, but yeah...n its not like he pressured or anything, he said he wanted to n i let him, altho i was so scared when i had the blindfold on that i almost cried...i didn't tell him that tho until afterward cuz i wanted to prove to myself that i could trust him enough to go thro with it without freaking out. i didn't tell him why, i just said it was because i didn't want him to stop, but that's really it...but yeah, i'm gonna go read or something now while i'm finishing waiting for him.
if anyone has anything else to say other than, "you guys are/were fucking idiots," i'd really appreciate seeing it, any other comments at all. i just feel so lost n alone n scared right now... :(
two nights ago before cyn told us that she's officially too jealous to let us stay together, which is fucking stupid because i brought up every single one of these points about jealousy, (like, "what if i moan differently in bed with him" and all that other crap) before we got together n she said it was fine, i was watching Lucky # Slevin with my new roomies, mike n stephanie and stephanie's bf justin, and we got stoned first. there's a scene in there when josh hartnett and lucy liu's characters are in bed together but they're just laying there, rolling around, laughing, talking about james bond, and having a good time. they're not just laying there after sex, they're actually talking to each other. (if u've seen the movie, u probably know what i'm talking about) the thing is, sitting there watching it...it reminded me of me and albert. how we'll just joke around and talk and hang out really afterwards, we don't just pass out and let that be the end of it, unless we're like super tired and its super late at night. it hurt so bad that i had to go call him and talk to him for a bit...that and he'd said he was going to call me and he hadn't yet, haha.
but anyway, last night when he came back we got stoned, and i showed him some music videos and funny cartoons on the internet...and then after that, i just looked at him and i just cried- and cried, and cried, and cried, and cried. i cried so much that i couldn't breath, and even after that i still couldn't stop crying. it just hit me all of a sudden. hearing cyn saying it, of course it had hurt then...i think the thing that hurt the most was when she said, "Albert is my life partner" because it only fixed it in my head that no matter how much i hope he does, albert will never come back to me...he's too clingy when it comes to love, just like me, hence why its so hard for us to let go...but yeah, the true realization that here i was, happy, had exactly what i wanted, what i've wanted my whole life, right here, is now being ripped away. albert isn't perfect, but i love the fact that he won't let me think that. nam and i had a LOT of fucking problems because he loved this idea of me thinking of him as my perfect savior, my knight in shining armor that took me away from the evils of my past and was going to pave the rest of my life with romance and happily ever afters. albert is a lot more realistic. he actually listens to me. when i cry, he holds me. i feel bad because he told me a long time ago that when he sees girls cry, even if they're crying because they're happy, he doesn't know what to do. i'm so used to ppl trying to give me bullshit advice or something when i cry, but albert doesn't do that. he just holds me, and sometimes that's all i want. i told him that i know he does that because he doesn't know what else to do, but it feels so good to have someone just do that and only that. fuck, when ppl cry in front of cyn she just sits there.
albert is also super understanding. like, when i try to talk to him about something and i explain myself afterwards, he's almost always got another experience to share that's almost just like the one i had. i really feel like he understands ME- who i am as a person, where i'm coming from, why i am the way i am, why i think the way i do. Anna is the only other person i've ever felt truly understood me inside and out, and i wonder if it will be like that with albert, too, once i tell him i have PTSD...yeah, i've decided that once we're officially broken up i'm going to tell him, and i'm gonna make him promise not to tell cyn. i don't care if they both already heard it out of gabby's fucking mouth or not, if he tells her then i'm going to tell her that albert lied to her about doing meth. plain and simple. the reason i'm going to tell him then is because i kinda see it this way: everytime i have told a non-internet friend about what my ex did to me, it ultimately fucks up the relationship. apparently its too much to ask ppl not to make rape jokes or not to watch law n order or CSI when i'm around, or to not show me movies with rape scenes in them or even just talk about the fucking subject or say the fucking word or any other shit related to it when i'm around them. i'm sure that it will be no different with albert- sure, maybe he'll be respectful of it at first, most ppl usually are unless ur a fucking dumbass like gabby- but i didn't want him to know before because i didn't want to lose him. i lost Nam because of it, n i didn't want it to happen again. i didn't want to say anything until i absolutely had to. now, however, i'm losing him anyway, so what's the point? n who fucking knows, maybe now he'll hurt me so much because of this shit n he'll truly see how crazy i am to the point that we fall out of love with each other. i already know he's gonna fall out of love with me before i do with cyn. i know he's mad at cyn for doing this to us, he really is, but like i said, he's clingy and needy for affection and attention from partners the same way i am and i'm sure he'll get over it and displace all his feelings for me back on her n that will be that...i'll be single, chasing some little fantasy like the dumb little girl i am, and he'll have moved on with life. if i start telling him those deep secrets, tho, n he can't remember that shit the way that no one else except my brother brian does, then maybe it will help rip us apart...and i'll get over him a little faster...hopefully...
i've also decided that i'm gonna give him the link to this blog afterwards, too. i've told him about it and he said semi-sarcastically that he's sad he's not one of the special ppl that get to see this blog. currently my brother is the only person that i haven't met from some website that is. but i figure that if i'm gonna tell him that, why bother not letting him see it? there's some stuff about me n raver jimmy i don't want him to know n he's gonna learn what my "one night stand's" name is, (whenever i refer to that with albert, i'm talking about ben even tho i guess technically he's not the only one that i've had), but whatever...yeah, he can see how clingy and crazy and emotional i really am, haha...part of me thinks its a mistake, but if it doesn't bring him closer to me it will only push him away, and maybe that's what i should be wanting right now. i told him that, too, that i feel like i have nothing left to lose with him in a way because we're already breaking up and that's the thing that i didn't want to happen. i really don't want to lose him as a friend, i don't, but if its the only way we can get over each other, then so be it.
i think that's pretty much everything i wanted to say for now. i'm think i'm gonna go read for a bit or something, albert should be coming back from work soon. i don't know why i trust that dumb boy so much, but i do. i've let him do things with me in bed that i NEVER thought i'd let a guy do- blindfold me, I EVEN LET HIM HOLD MY HANDS DOWN!!! not two with one hand, tho, that still triggers me n i have to be in the mood for it, but yeah...n its not like he pressured or anything, he said he wanted to n i let him, altho i was so scared when i had the blindfold on that i almost cried...i didn't tell him that tho until afterward cuz i wanted to prove to myself that i could trust him enough to go thro with it without freaking out. i didn't tell him why, i just said it was because i didn't want him to stop, but that's really it...but yeah, i'm gonna go read or something now while i'm finishing waiting for him.
if anyone has anything else to say other than, "you guys are/were fucking idiots," i'd really appreciate seeing it, any other comments at all. i just feel so lost n alone n scared right now... :(
Quick Links
Latest Comment
Re: JSYK - no i do ;)
| Terms of Service
| Privacy Policy