Three Months Ago Today...

Today would be me, cyn n albert's 3 month anniversary if we were still together. i know, i shouldn't think about it, but sometimes its just not that easy. it honestly didn't bother me until i wrote the date in my notes for my 8:00am class today- anther 11th. single. it doesn't help that while i was looking up old entries to try to find when my grandma died, (it will in fact be a year as of the 15th, the day I'm flying to Ohio), I found this entry. its not even really about them, it just mentions them. At first I smiled to myself w/ the nostalgia of this memory, but I started to think n it started to get to me...how we used to be friends, how our friendship grew, what it became...n luckily i've been able to block out what it is now for the most part because when that whole time line starts to hit me, I can feel myself starting to lose it again...

And of course, like a dumbass i sat out in the cold outside gist hall waiting to see if albert would come by anyway. It would have been so nice to see him today. n already i can see those romantic fantasies of how he's just gonna randomly show up to surprise me just because he knows how happy it will make me, but I know he won't. n that part of me will wait all night for him, even though i know not only how totally unrealistic that thought is, but that i'm not really important to him anymore.

I did see him yesterday, tho, and not just for like 5 or 10 minutes, either! i actually got to see him for like 50 minutes! i was tabling and i saw him walking to his class and i knew he was late, (8 minutes late according to my phone), and i saw him walk in the building, turn around, see me, and walk over. i figured his class had been canceled or something, n when i asked him he said it had been. "so does this mean i get to hang out w/ u for an hour?" "i guess. i have to meet cyn at 11:00." "that's fine, i kinda figured." i think its funny how every MWF since that first week after she saw me tabling all three of those days he's had to meet her at 11:00, right when his class gets out, for some reason or another, lol. but anyway, it was nice being able to talk n have some sort of a real conversation w/ him. he fixed the hermit crab light n everything n then i told him about some shit that had happened that morning, (damn, i haven't written about that incident at all...it involves a former student in my lab, i'll say that), i filled him in w/ what really happened the first time puma and mike's dog tiny met, (long story short, puma clawed her ear n she started bleeding n she jumped up n ripped some fur off of his throat. i don't think it was that much because 1: i didn't notice it on him and 2: i didn't notice it on the carpet, n albert didn't notice either of those either n we were both over here quite a bit back then), and then i brought up some things i'd been wanting to talk about. as much as i just wanted to bullshit with him, there were just some things i needed to say.

at first i asked him how he'd been doing n he said that he's been staying intoxicated a lot n something about how that's probably not a good thing. i was scared to ask, but got out the question, "so i guess that means things haven't really gotten better, have they?" he thought for a moment n said "not necessarily." i then thought about how i wanted to say what i wanted to say next. it was about an incident that happened sunday n the only reason i didn't write about it was because i was trying not to write so much so albert could hopefully catch up with all the stuff he missed for like that week he didn't come on. basically it was a combination of the crap that used to happen when i'd see pics of raver jimmy and what happens every year on my ex's birthday. i had signed onto myspace on to post a bulletin for a fundraising event psychology club had yesterday. for those of u who have myspace, u know that now u get updates when ppl on ur friend list post new blog entries, pictures, etc. well, just as with raver jimmy, for some reason i can't bring myself to delete cyn from my friend list. i really want to, but for some reason i just can't. (keep in mind that on myspace, this also means that she hasn't deleted me) well on sunday she'd posted some new pictures...some were from way back on mara's birthday, which was the day before albert first told me he liked me. i didn't even bother looking at them cuz even tho i was there, i'm sure she made sure she didn't post any pictures i was in. she had also posted some uber new pics that were from SATURDAY NIGHT- one of the reasons this hurt, which i failed to mention to albert, was because there were a ton of pics of the three of us on that camera that she was too lazy to upload before things went bad between the three of us, but now she can get them up the next fucking day? the other reason, which i told albert about, and i even called anna for like 5 minutes on sunday before i had to go to the library to work on a project that was due yesterday because it upset me that much, was because seeing those pictures it just made me think about how they get to go on with their happy little lives and they still get to have all of their friends, and i have nothing. i mean, shit, did anyone on here read the entry that i posted saturday night? about how i had no one to hang out with? n just like with my ex- they get to move on with life, and here i am fucked up. and just like him, they don't even care about all the pain and i guess psychological damage u could say that they've done to me. i failed to mention that last part to albert, too, but i told him the rest. i even mentioned that i'd, "chewed myself a little and cut a little." in retrospect, i don't know why i told him that i'd cut and bit my wrists n made a half-assed attempt to how them to him. i guess its because i know that i hadn't cut in a couple of weeks and that i hadn't chewed at my wrists since the three of us first broke up, but there's really no way he could have known that because i hadn't told him n i hadn't written that on here, either. n i'm sure he told cyn that, and everything else.

and what did he do after i told him all of that? HE JUST SAT THERE. just looked at the ground and sat there.

now a couple of times during our conversation ppl came up to the table to make a donation or whatever, and at this point in time another person walked over, asked what psychology club was, and i told her a little about the club, our fundraising event, n some of the other events we wanted to put on that we needed money for. she made a donation n left, n i knew that albert was hoping the conversation we'd been previously having was over...n as much as i wanted it to be, i couldn't let it end there. i have no idea when my next chance to talk to him like that is going to be, and i know he hasn't really been reading my blog at all, (i told him that it also hurts because not only does all of that other shit show me how much he doesn't really care, but i fucking freak out when he doesn't read my blog and to him its no big deal), so this was really my only chance to not only get out how i was feeling, but find out who HE is feeling. sure, he said he'd start writing in his mindsay n that he'd keep me updated on any progress between him n cyn so i'd know how close we were to being able to normal friends again, n has he done either? no. the closest thing he's given me on an update was what he said about being intoxicated a lot of the time n something else that i'll get to in a bit that he told me before he left n it fucking hurt.

anyway, after that one chik left me n albert were alone again n i told him that his silence hurts because all it does is tell me that its all true. its true that he doesn't care, its true that he's moved on, its all true. he said that the reason why he doesn't say anything is because he doesn't see why he should. he said, "it doesn't do me any good to catch myself thinking about you, and wondering what you're doing, and wanting to hang out." he said that its easier for him to just shut that off and "act like a robot." i've told him before n i told him this again yesterday, n the truth is, i wish i could shut that all off. but i can't, and unfortunately, this is apparently one more issue that makes this break up easier for me, but harder for him or vice versa. we've had a lot of problems with this because even tho him and i are very similar, our ways of coping with this situation have been very different.

we ended up talking some more about some of the other random things that have been going on, for him than for me, and he told me that a couple ppl have been calling him a cold hearted bitch lately. because of the way he said it, i thought he meant ppl had been calling him that in reference to me, which made me feel good, but that turned out not to be the case. it was still nice to hear what was going on w/ the ppl i used to call friends, tho.

t came to time for albert to leave, and then i finally got up the guts to ask him if i could see him thursday. i told him that i know we're not supposed to see each other, but its the last day i'll be able to see him until the 24th at the earliest and i always get nervous before i fly and it would be really nice if i could see him. he said yes, (we're not tabling tomorrow, either), and it made me so happy. i think that because i get to see him thursday, that's why not seeing him today was ok. n as i hugged him bye, i told him that he needs to call me if he can't make it. (i've turned down 2 rides to the bay area now because i'm seeing him, so i'll be fucking pissed at this point it he doesn't go) he also told me that he does miss me, and he does think about me, and sometimes in "ways that he shouldn't anymore," as he put it, n i said, "that's ok, i still think about u all the time" n "me too, especially cuz last week i was all PMSing n horny."

then he told me something that i really didn't need to know. all he said was, "yeah, cyn hasn't been hurt lately, n i'm like, 'this sux'." i stopped holding him then n just said, "it just makes me jealous." he was like, "aw, i didn't mean to make you jealous." i know he didn't, n i really hate the fact that it does make me jealous. i loved how me n albert used to talk so freely about our sexuality and our sex lives, but now we can't anymore. i don't want to hear about him fucking his wife. i know that i couldn't possibly expect him to not have sex with her anymore for me, but it still hurts because after all that fucking talk he did about how he wasn't sure if he'd ever forgive her for making him dump me n all this other shit, he just jumped right back in bed with her. i mean, i know he has a big sex drive like i do, but i still don't understand how u can sit there n say that someone, especially someone u love, hurt u that fucking badly n then u turn around n start fucking them again not even a month later. how can u honestly feel attracted to someone that quickly who supposedly hurt u so much? i almost wonder if its the same kind of sex that we had on my birthday, or the kind of sex that him and i would have if we were to for some reason sleep together again in the near future without working out some of the issues we've had with each other first. i wonder if he's just fucking her to get off or if he really means it, but to be honest, unless its the former i'm assuming its the later, and then i really don't want to hear it. i'd rather just take his silence and let that be enough of a yes for me without hearing him confirm in his own words that yes, he said he'd never forgive her n he said he'd never get over me, but apparently he's done both. it was all just talk.

well there's more i wanted to say about yesterday, but i figure this is long enough. i really want to get laid n i need to take a shower because the cadaver i've been working on was really juicy today n i had little drops squirted on me here n there all over. (hooray for dead people cancer! :D) i'm also thinking about calling sean or at least texting him n trying to get laid. yes he's a douche bag, but even albert is getting fucked by his cunt again after all the shit he said about how he probably wasn't gonna get laid for a long time after our break up.