this about covers it

Auto Response from fuzzycookie1 (10:11:50 PM): It's not the way you smile that touched my heart.
It's not the way you kiss that tears me apart.

Many, many, many nights go by
I sit alone at home and cry over you.
What can I do?
Don't want nobody, nobody
Cuz baby it's you

Baby it's you

fuzzycookie1 (10:11:59 PM): w00t! the sound is working on the computer!

fuzzycookie1 (10:12:00 PM): lol

fuzzycookie1 (10:12:15 PM): how're u?

j (10:12:41 PM): i'm doin' all right

j (10:12:44 PM): kinda bored, urself?

fuzzycookie1 (10:12:54 PM): same i guess

fuzzycookie1 (10:13:13 PM): are most of ur friends still not back yet?

j (10:13:31 PM): ya

j (10:13:36 PM): 2 weeks from now

j (10:13:37 PM): oi!

fuzzycookie1 (10:13:42 PM): lol

fuzzycookie1 (10:13:52 PM): well i repeat, at least some of ur friends are around

fuzzycookie1 (10:13:59 PM): its better than having none at all like me

fuzzycookie1 (10:14:09 PM): all i have is harry potter, n being 20 i think that's kinda sad

fuzzycookie1 (10:14:10 PM): lol

j (10:14:18 PM): meh, not so bad

j (10:14:28 PM): potter is quite good if u haven't read it b4

fuzzycookie1 (10:14:34 PM): n i haven't, lol

j (10:14:37 PM): i should go to the bloody library

j (10:14:40 PM): oi

j (10:14:49 PM): i keep kinda thinking about doing it

j (10:14:57 PM): and gah! i was right next to it today

j (10:14:58 PM): bleg

fuzzycookie1 (10:15:07 PM): but i'm more than half way thro book 6 n after that i'm gonna take a break from reading, watch some movies, n then get back to it

fuzzycookie1 (10:15:30 PM): lol

fuzzycookie1 (10:15:35 PM): what do u wanna check out?

j (10:15:39 PM): i dunno

fuzzycookie1 (10:16:30 PM): lol

fuzzycookie1 (10:16:46 PM): i think u should look into the Sin City graphic novels, but i think everyone should, hehe

j (10:17:15 PM): lol

j (10:17:29 PM): well i was thinking more sci-fi novel or soemthing

fuzzycookie1 (10:17:51 PM): that's cool

fuzzycookie1 (10:18:09 PM): i used to be really into sci-fi books, but i kinda stopped reading in hs

j (10:18:17 PM): well i need a book book

j (10:18:22 PM): not a graphic novel

j (10:18:31 PM): err dare i say comic book

fuzzycookie1 (10:18:31 PM): i did used to read book books :P

j (10:18:32 PM): heh

fuzzycookie1 (10:18:37 PM): its not a comic book!

fuzzycookie1 (10:18:38 PM): lol

j (10:18:41 PM): lol

fuzzycookie1 (10:18:42 PM): there's a difference!

j (10:18:43 PM): of course not!

fuzzycookie1 (10:18:52 PM): JTHM, those are comic books

fuzzycookie1 (10:19:20 PM): Sin City and those Vampire ones i'm blanking on the name of right now are graphic novels

fuzzycookie1 (10:19:21 PM): hehe

fuzzycookie1 (10:20:28 PM): 30 Days of Night, that's what they're called!

fuzzycookie1 (10:20:29 PM): lol

fuzzycookie1 (10:21:46 PM): how was ur weekend?

j (10:23:44 PM): meh, ok

j (10:23:58 PM): urs/

j (10:23:59 PM): ?

fuzzycookie1 (10:24:16 PM): same i guess

fuzzycookie1 (10:24:27 PM): friday was really disappointing but not surprising

j (10:24:36 PM): ?

fuzzycookie1 (10:24:41 PM): lol

j (10:24:45 PM): what was dissapointing aboot it?

fuzzycookie1 (10:24:52 PM): reanna flaked on me

j (10:24:58 PM): o hum ic

j (10:25:07 PM): wait, was she to come down, or r u back in humboldt?

fuzzycookie1 (10:25:09 PM): n as soon as i called her n she said our friend Zach was in town i knew she would

fuzzycookie1 (10:25:20 PM): she drove here, picked me up, n we went back to berekely

fuzzycookie1 (10:25:21 PM): lol

fuzzycookie1 (10:25:52 PM): she's actually living w/ her best friend on Ashby a couple blocks down from where carly lives

j (10:26:00 PM): ahh ic cool

fuzzycookie1 (10:26:20 PM): yeah, but she flaked n i was pissed n i was having a shitty day to begin w/ n e way so that just made things worse

fuzzycookie1 (10:26:54 PM): but then zach called me at 2:30am cuz he left berekely cuz of drama n blah blah blah, but it was kinda nice cuz i got to vent out some frustration

fuzzycookie1 (10:27:07 PM): u seem to be the type of person who's always had friends

fuzzycookie1 (10:27:16 PM): is it normal to get uber pissed at them from time to time?

fuzzycookie1 (10:28:16 PM): i'm not kidding, i really don't know the answer to this question

j (10:29:16 PM): well ya, i dunno

j (10:29:24 PM): flakes generally aren't my friends for long

fuzzycookie1 (10:29:30 PM): me either

j (10:29:32 PM): some peeps are just like that

fuzzycookie1 (10:29:36 PM): hence why i don't have n e friends

j (10:29:40 PM): so that is totally valid to get pissed at them for

fuzzycookie1 (10:29:53 PM): but is it normal to get pissed at them for other things, too?

j (10:29:55 PM): but i think friends are friends, ur not in a relationship with the,

j (10:30:09 PM): they aren't peeps i get pissed at generally

fuzzycookie1 (10:30:42 PM): hun, u have to remember that i've never really had friends in 20 years, i have no idea what i'm doing

fuzzycookie1 (10:30:53 PM): hmm, ok, i guess that makes sense

fuzzycookie1 (10:32:21 PM): but i mean, do u sometimes just wanna strangle ur closest friends? because they don't wanna admit where they're wrong or have a problem or something like that?

fuzzycookie1 (10:32:35 PM): or cuz they make really shitty choices no matter what u do?

fuzzycookie1 (10:32:44 PM): or am i just damned to have those kind of ppl in my life forever?

j (10:32:53 PM): meh, not rly, heh, i dunno, i dun get mad at peeps easy

j (10:33:04 PM): i think it's all what u make of it, not who the other peeps are

fuzzycookie1 (10:33:17 PM): what do u mean?

j (10:33:55 PM): regardless of who the peeps are, they are going to want to hang with u, or not, depending on who u r

j (10:33:57 PM): not who they are

j (10:34:19 PM): sure there are those flakes

j (10:34:22 PM): and those assholes

j (10:34:45 PM): but avoid them, and u'll come upon some firends, and plz, rianna and u are friends, dun give me the, I haven't had n e friends my whole life shit

j (10:34:55 PM): and u have had plenty of other friends

fuzzycookie1 (10:35:19 PM): ok, i mean except ppl in this past year

fuzzycookie1 (10:35:25 PM): i really don't know what i'm doing

fuzzycookie1 (10:35:42 PM): n for a while me n reanna weren't speaking to each other, but then again for a while she wasn't speaking to n e body that wasn't ryan

fuzzycookie1 (10:36:16 PM): how do u know that i've had plenty of other friends excluding ppl from this past year?

fuzzycookie1 (10:37:49 PM): there is a big difference between "friends" and "friendly aquantances" too

j (10:41:11 PM): w/e

fuzzycookie1 (10:41:25 PM): what do u mean by that?

j (10:41:44 PM): i mean ur being a drama queen, I have no friends life sucks

j (10:41:46 PM): bleg

fuzzycookie1 (10:42:01 PM): excuse me?

fuzzycookie1 (10:42:07 PM): u asked what was dissapointing, didn't u?

j (10:42:53 PM): yasry

fuzzycookie1 (10:43:04 PM): n i tried to ask u for advice cuz i feel like shit everytime i get pissed off at the friends i do have now cuz i've always figured friendship isn't supposed to be like this, didn't i?

fuzzycookie1 (10:43:21 PM): n u've always had friends, haven't u? so u have no idea what its like to be this lonely

fuzzycookie1 (10:45:24 PM): so don't tell me i'm being a drama queen and don't complain that me elaborating on my disappointing weekend, which YOU asked about, is being a drama queen either when YOU obviously have no idea where i'm coming from

fuzzycookie1 (10:45:31 PM): i've already told u that i'm suicidal when i'm here

fuzzycookie1 (10:45:54 PM): if u don't wish to hear more about it and only want to lecture me about how i shouldn't be complaining then u shouldn't be asking

fuzzycookie1 (10:46:16 PM): why did u ask me why i'm suicidal n e way? were u just curious?

j (10:47:39 PM): i have a good idea what it is to be lonely

fuzzycookie1 (10:47:41 PM): look, i'm sorry, i just think its rather rude of u to ask me questions and then complain about my answers

fuzzycookie1 (10:47:46 PM): i'm sure u do

fuzzycookie1 (10:47:53 PM): everyone knows what its like to be lonely

fuzzycookie1 (10:48:09 PM): but do u really know what its like to have no one?

fuzzycookie1 (10:48:53 PM): i told u, i don't see the point in bullshitting u n pretending i'm happy n e more

fuzzycookie1 (10:49:02 PM): n a week ago u were like, "that's good to admit"

fuzzycookie1 (10:49:07 PM): now you're calling me a drama queen

j (10:49:08 PM): it is

fuzzycookie1 (10:49:40 PM): so its good to admit, but in admitting what makes me depressed i'm a drama queen

fuzzycookie1 (10:50:22 PM): is that what ur saying, or am i over analyzing things again? cuz if i am i want u to explain things more clearly to me so i understand what u are saying

fuzzycookie1 (10:50:52 PM): n u didn't answer why u even asked me why i'm suicidal here in the first place

j (10:52:04 PM): because it is a nice thing to do, it is nice to ask u what is on ur mind

j (10:52:20 PM): and i apologize for the words i used a second ago

j (10:52:41 PM): i am not a someone trained to deal with suicidal talks, and i apologize

fuzzycookie1 (10:52:47 PM): u shouldn't do things like that just because they're nice to do, u should do it because u care

fuzzycookie1 (10:52:51 PM): i know ur not

fuzzycookie1 (10:53:09 PM): that was clear to me when i started answering u

fuzzycookie1 (10:53:37 PM): but i didn't want to chastize u for it because u were trying n that's a hell of a lot more than most other ppl do

j (10:54:16 PM): ya

fuzzycookie1 (10:54:21 PM): and i thank u for that

j (10:54:56 PM): welcome

fuzzycookie1 (10:55:28 PM): but please know that many ppl who are suicidal are so because they feel like no one cares about them and i'm one of those ppl. I know, logically in my head, that that's not true. Unfortunately, tho, i have a mental disorder that doesn't like to listen to logic so my feelings don't always match my knowledge

fuzzycookie1 (10:55:52 PM): and u shouldn't delve into such a serious subject because its a polite thing to do. u should do it because u care

fuzzycookie1 (10:56:25 PM): because it hurts me much more getting my hopes up n thinking that one more person gives a fuck about me rather than no one more person doesn't out of the vast majority that shares that feeling

j (10:56:32 PM): well i care, to a point

fuzzycookie1 (10:56:38 PM): heh

fuzzycookie1 (10:56:56 PM): that's good. we all care to a point

fuzzycookie1 (10:58:20 PM): i think too many ppl put too much on the word "care" as if its synonymous w/ "love" and i've never believed that to be true. i'm a very caring person, i care about ppl until they give me a reason not to, hence why i've been given reasons not to be too trusting of ppl (n yet another reason for my mental diagnosis)

fuzzycookie1 (11:00:31 PM): but i think u should know that while i appreciate u trying, u need to know that asking me why i consider giving up on life n then telling me that they're not good reasons at all doesn't help. it only makes me feel worse and it makes me very angry with u and i don't want to be

j (11:01:17 PM): jennifer

fuzzycookie1 (11:01:21 PM): and having PTSD, my experience tells me that whenever i try to explain these feelings to ppl that don't seem to understand them, like u, it always turns into an arguement and i like to avoid those as much as possible

j (11:01:24 PM): i at no time told u they are bad reasons

fuzzycookie1 (11:01:41 PM): that's how i interpreted them

j (11:01:42 PM): and right now, this very second

j (11:01:43 PM): u

j (11:01:45 PM): are

j (11:01:55 PM): being a drama queen, i mention *one thing*

j (11:01:57 PM): and u take it

j (11:02:03 PM): and blow it was the fuck out of proportion

j (11:02:26 PM): i did not insult u as a person

fuzzycookie1 (11:02:34 PM): i felt insulted as a person

j (11:02:36 PM): i did not tell u u had bad reasons for living

j (11:02:42 PM): or for ur want to do n e thing

j (11:02:51 PM): i just described the mother fucking situation

j (11:02:51 PM): ok

fuzzycookie1 (11:02:57 PM): i felt like u were insulting me

j (11:03:06 PM): well it was not my intent

j (11:03:09 PM): and i apologize

fuzzycookie1 (11:03:27 PM): everytime someone has called me that, an attention whore, etc it has been an insult to me

j (11:03:44 PM): because it is an insult

j (11:03:50 PM): but kindly scroll up

j (11:03:55 PM): look at how much u just ranted

fuzzycookie1 (11:03:58 PM): i saw what u said

j (11:04:01 PM): ok, yes, it may be important

j (11:04:07 PM): yes it may matter a whole lot to u

fuzzycookie1 (11:04:11 PM): n i'm telling u why i blew things "way the fuck out of proportion"

j (11:04:17 PM): and it is quite the important issue

j (11:04:45 PM): however, it is definetly in the spirit of creaitng drama

fuzzycookie1 (11:04:53 PM): what is?

j (11:04:56 PM): but at this point

fuzzycookie1 (11:05:01 PM): me getting mad that u insulted me?

fuzzycookie1 (11:05:06 PM): or that i felt insulted by u?

j (11:06:05 PM): nm

fuzzycookie1 (11:06:12 PM): no please

j (11:06:15 PM): change the subject

j (11:06:18 PM): i'm over it

fuzzycookie1 (11:06:27 PM): no, i feel the need to try to explain myself

fuzzycookie1 (11:07:08 PM): u ppl don't understand. some ppl deal w/ their problems by bottling them up inside. some ppl create art, some care for creatures, some ride roller costers or beat ppl up

fuzzycookie1 (11:07:24 PM): i deal w/ mine by talking about them, by getting them out

fuzzycookie1 (11:07:29 PM): it makes me feel better to vent

fuzzycookie1 (11:07:32 PM): i don't like drama

fuzzycookie1 (11:07:39 PM): i don't like having it around

fuzzycookie1 (11:07:47 PM): i don't like instigating it

fuzzycookie1 (11:08:14 PM): hence why i still haven't confronted gabby on talking about us when u have no idea how pissed and betrayed and violated i feel by her

fuzzycookie1 (11:09:17 PM): n i felt even more insulted that u could call me that when u were the one asking n no matter how irritated i've been w/ u over whatever stupid shit i've never called u names

fuzzycookie1 (11:09:54 PM): n that hurt a lot especially since u'd seem to atleast slightly care

fuzzycookie1 (11:10:15 PM): ur not just ignoring all this, are u?

j (11:10:50 PM): i am doin' other things

j (11:10:58 PM): and coming back to the conversation at passing

j (11:11:08 PM): keep talking, w/e makes u feel better

fuzzycookie1 (11:11:39 PM): no i'm done

fuzzycookie1 (11:11:42 PM): i know u don't mean that

j (11:12:07 PM): i just said it, why the hell would i not mean it?

fuzzycookie1 (11:12:46 PM): i dunno

fuzzycookie1 (11:12:49 PM): just to make me happy

j (11:13:40 PM): and that would accomplish what if i didn't care at least an inkling?

fuzzycookie1 (11:14:00 PM): i dunno

j (11:14:03 PM): y do peeps do things like listen but for other people

fuzzycookie1 (11:14:04 PM): i'm sorry

j (11:14:25 PM): meh, nm to be sorry for, just keep shit in mind, when u r blowing up

j (11:14:32 PM): about ur personal problems

j (11:14:43 PM): keep in mind, if u make it seem so horribly shitty, for such a long time

j (11:14:46 PM): people stop caring

fuzzycookie1 (11:14:47 PM): please don't put it that way

j (11:14:59 PM): and it isn't that way, so don't drag it out like it is

fuzzycookie1 (11:15:22 PM): u haven't researched PTSD further, have u?

j (11:15:46 PM): u got food, a place to live, u got nice boobs, a decent body, ur pretty smart

j (11:15:57 PM): ur white, things could be a lot worse

j (11:16:00 PM): no i haven't

j (11:16:28 PM): ps: it's annoying when people through around their disabilities for justification

j (11:16:34 PM): no matter how right

j (11:16:37 PM): it is

j (11:16:48 PM): or how much it is accountable for actions/words

fuzzycookie1 (11:16:48 PM): ug, i knew u'd accuse me of that

j (11:17:07 PM): once again, look over the convo, u said it like 8 times

j (11:17:13 PM): i kno u have it

j (11:17:17 PM): it's too bad, i'm sorry

j (11:17:41 PM): it is not a reason for stuff, just cuz someone named something people seem to exhibit

j (11:17:51 PM): dun mean n e thing

fuzzycookie1 (11:18:07 PM): in a way i'm sorry u haven't known me longer, cuz i used to be a lot worse

fuzzycookie1 (11:18:28 PM): n its a lot harder to take that attitude when the label is put upon u

fuzzycookie1 (11:18:47 PM): u start to think in a whole other way n suddenly all the weird little things u do start to make sense

j (11:19:05 PM): well good, glad it is making sense of the world

fuzzycookie1 (11:19:16 PM): i've gotten a lot better and made a lot of progress, and i know u don't see that n a part of me wishes that u did

j (11:19:29 PM): congrats

fuzzycookie1 (11:20:21 PM): part of me wishes everyone one did. no one in my life now realizes what a big deal it is that i made it to 20. i know i still can't believe i did. i guess thats why it feels so different for me

fuzzycookie1 (11:20:36 PM): but even tho i'm often times aware of when my symptoms come to light and have much better control of them than i used to

fuzzycookie1 (11:20:55 PM): i apparently still say and do things that i'm not aware of that are also symptoms

fuzzycookie1 (11:21:51 PM): so its not that i'm trying to use my disability as an excuse because i know its not. if i wanted to try and use it as such i would not be in therapy and i would not have spent the many agonizing trips to the Emma Center and such

j (11:22:15 PM): mhmm

j (11:22:42 PM): that sounded cynical excuse me, ic would be a better word choice

fuzzycookie1 (11:23:45 PM): but it is an explanation of some of the strange things i do, say, or ways that i act around ppl, especially guys and many ppl who have further researched ptsd after i have told them i have it if not why say that it helps them understand why i sometimes say the things i do and act the way that i do

fuzzycookie1 (11:24:21 PM): and i know that not trusting someone because of their gender isn't right, i know that my life isn't as bad off as it could be, i know all of that

fuzzycookie1 (11:25:17 PM): but i still hear those voices in the back of my head that say, "remember what happened last time, remember what happened last time," and since "last time" happened a lot, its hard to ignore them

fuzzycookie1 (11:25:40 PM): and its no excuse, but apparently it does help ppl understand why i act inexcusably at times

fuzzycookie1 (11:26:11 PM): n thanx for complementing my body. i think that's the first time u've ever done it

j (11:26:22 PM): welcome

j (11:27:11 PM): second time

fuzzycookie1 (11:27:28 PM): when was the first?

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mike175 on

Re: this about covers it

Well, his performance was certainly lacking there. Kind of came off like an ass really. "well i care, to a point" - translation: I care only if doing so requires no effort or sacrifice on my part. Probably best you didn't go meet him, he doesn't deserve a treat after acting like that.

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blackmamba on

Re: this about covers it

no, he doesn't, but what made me wonder was why the hell he wanted one in the first place. u'd think he'd be turned off by seeing how crazy i am, but i guess not. i'm really not scared to drive him away n e more.

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foreverjustice on

Re: this about covers it

Girl! You dont need guys like that in your life... you are so much better than that. He just wanted one thing... if he cant understand you- and to say that he cares to a point.... blah!

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blackmamba on

Re: this about covers it

i mean, shit, i know he cares to a point but to get mad at me for getting mad at him? when he said i was being a drama queen after he fucking asked?! hello! of course i'm depressed, u think i'm happy when i'm suicidal?!

thanx

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truvy on

Re: this about covers it

To have a Fuck Buddy, a Friend with Benefits, a Fuck Friend involves two parts, yes there is the sex involved wiht the relationship but there is also a very important part, that they are your friend, that they care about you and not just because they can get sex from you.

In your recent contact with J I do not see that part of the equation. When he asks you how you are doing it is like two people who work in the same office asking about you, it is just being polite, a social requirement thye have to do before they get down to the real business at hand which for J is sex. He is putting in the minimal amount f work into this relaioinship to get what he wants from you. He would work harder if he were in a bar trying to pick up a stranger.

I wish it were different for you, but J is not good for you.

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blackmamba on

Re: this about covers it

the thing is, i wouldn't care so much if he did call me his "friend with benefits." being a fuck buddy requires no friendship, but to call me a friend n make small talk w/ me? i mean wtf? n ur right, he is doing it just to be polite n i told him that concerning a subject as serious as this he shouldn't do that. he should do it because he really cares.