I spent the better part of the day dreading talking to Nam because I was scared to see what he'd say. Sure enough, it wasn't good news. Even though Nam was going to speak for me on my behalf, he wasn't allowed to enter the court room. That's right. even though he was representing me, he couldn't enter because it was a closed court. And nobody fucking told me that. All he could do was talk to the DA and tell her my feelings and how we've both lost faith in the justice system through out this whole fucking thing. They wouldn't even tell him what the sentence was, and guess what? No one even fucking called me to tell me! I'm not sure i want to know.

WEDNESDAY

Nam and i got into a huge fight. I did god knows what to make him lose his patience with me and he snapped at me and yelled at me for no fucking reason, and that made me pissed so i yelled back. I had to go, but i called him back later because i wanted to talk, but we didn't accomplish anything. He actually tried to tell me that he didn't yell at me, that i got pissed at him out of the blue and started the whole fucking thing! Can you fucking believe that? My ex did that shit, ALL THE TIME! Most pig-headed guys do. I kept telling myself that i fucked him up, that i ruined him, but i guess those cunts in San Diego did have a hand in tearing apart the man i loved. We just fought and fought and fought, and no matter what, it was me, i started it, and then he started saying that this had only happened twice now, which yeah, him snapping at me randomly and me snapping back has happened twice now, but him snapping at me in the first for the smallest fucking reason has happened so many times and has happened more and more since he got back from UCSD. my room mate, Emily, said that maybe because we're not dating, he doesn't have the same incentive to be kind and collected anymore. I don't know. After the day before and this i wanted to go into the woods so bad to get stoned, but no one was around, so i just got more frustrated, said fuck it to all my homework, and played Sims 2 for an hour or two. It was alright.

THURSDAY

I saw "Equlibrium" with a bunch of friends and I highly recomend it if you haven't seen it. With various stresses pushing on me, a few of which i mentioned above, I went out and got stoned again. I'm sorry Brian, but i told you that if that bastard's still alive then i can't promise i won't do it again, and Anna is supposed to try to find out for me what happened and see if his address has changed and if she finds out, I can't promise i won't do it again unless that fucking rapist faggot cunt bastard dies. I went and watched adult swim after that, so i saw the 2nd half of "Futurama" and then "Robot Chicken" and "Harvey Birdman". The later two shows were much funnier than usual. When i was on my way back to my room, my high had mostly died but not all the way and so I called Nam to say good night, figuring if any shit happened now, it wouldn't be as bad cuz i was semi-stoned. I told him i was high, and he told me not to call him for a while. I think that me getting stoned was a last straw for him, although it's pretty bad that i didn't feel comfortable talking to him unless i was high. It was and still is devistating to hear that, and thank god i was high when he said it or else i might not have just felt suicidal, even though me getting high is probably what did it. Or it could be that before I got stoned I called him to tell him i saw "Equilibrium" because he's always told me about that movie and obsessed over it, and then I told him i was walking with some friends so i might lose my signal and had to go. Why i didn't tell him i was going to the woods, I don't know. I guess i didn't want to risk fighting with him in front of my friends. Anywa,  I just kept asking why, and he just said for me to let him be. It's so unreal- I've lost my best friend. He's always been my best friend, and Anna has always been second to him. They both know that. but now....now i guess it's over...forever...and i wanna say fuck it to life. Brian is my only motivation to not do drugs now. I'm sorry bro.

FRIDAY (TODAY)

The day is young, so far so good except for writing this entry and having to realize that all of these horribly painful things are real. It still hasn't hit me that Nam doesn't want to hear from me. I guess it makes sense. All we do now is fight and nothing i say ever makes him happy anymore. I am psychotic, i am clingy. Well today at 3:30, me, Steffi, and some one else, i don't remember who because I was stoned when i invited him are going to go to the only porn store in Arcata today. I wanna see what's there and maybe even get a job there. But first, at 1:00 i have an appointment with that shrink here on campus, and at 2:00 i have the consultation for the group. (It's just reached my attention that i forgot to mention that to you guys...i saw a flier for therapy groups the counciling center is having this semester and there was one for survivors of rape and sexual abuse. So i went to sign up. talked to a councilor. cried for about an hour. And then i went to town with Reanna, Vanessa, and a couple other people and that night we went and saw "Brothers Grimm." It was ok. I'll talk about it more later.)

Now that you're all updated with what's going on, I'm gonna go get something to eat before I have class and I have to take the first quiz of the semester that I didn't study for. At lease my hermit crabs are out. I love them.