i have some pb & j right now. and rice shouldn't be too hard to get a hold of. i want to start eating more yogurt and fruit, too

Also, remember that there's a difference between hunger and an appitite. Hunger is the actual pain in your stomach and an appetite is just the desire or the want to eat. I know that those can get pretty intense, too.

now i don't pretend to know how you feel because ultimately, i don't.  but i can relate.  over the summer you'll have mindsay to vent out your feelings, you can destroy all of your ex's stuff.  screw giving it back to him, he doesn't deserve the courtesy.  you can also maybe write more music about what your feeling.  scream along to music.  all of these things might help you.  i do consider you a friend on here, one of the few who can relate to me and my situation.  and that is why i'm trying to convince you not to cut.  i doubt you'll listen to anything i've said because like most people (myself included), you'll prolly just feel like i'm attacking you for what you're doing and start coming up with arguements against what i'm saying before you even finish reading this whole thing.  i will be there if you need me, that'll never change.  but i really want you to think about it.  i think you're strong enough to survive the summer without cutting.  i truly do.

As far as mindsay over the summer? read my new entry. and i'm not giving my ex his stuff back to be nice. I'm doing it because I know it will hurt him. I gave him back a bag of stuff like a year ago and he started bawling his eyes out. it was one of the most awesome things ever. Fuck courtesy, this is about revenge. I'm glad that you think I'm strong enough to make it without cutting. Do you think i'm strong enough to make it through the next school year with out binge eating, fucking someone i don't live, getting drunk or getting high? Also, everyone has different coping methods.

I appreciate that you are trying to help me, but I don't feel like you're considering anything that I'm saying. The reason why i'm not fighting dudetheregoesmy is because he wasn't so ignorant to tell me that cutting will undo everything that I've done. That's just plain bullshit. Why he's ok with me putting all kinds of shitty chemicals into my body and not breaking some skin, I don't know. But it's rediculous to tell me that that's a bad coping method, yet you don't think that any of the other ones I have mean that I have made progress. Those things have replaced cutting. I don't need cutting here because I can drink, smoke and fuck. I can't do those things in Santa Clara.

As far as bleeding my emotions out, you hit the nail right on the head. I have a lot of very spiritual beliefs about blood that I explained to another person on another reply on here. I highly recomend that you read that. I don't talk about my spritual beliefs in blood and cutting when I talk about it most of the time because I can't make a factual arguement on faith. I can, however, show how deadly and dangerous and how much I hate myself for drinking and smoking instead of cutting is, and then give the evidence as to why cutting is a much safer and better coping method that i miss.

i do see that your binge eating, drinking, and smoking has replaced the cutting, and you're right, they're all very bad.  my problem is mostly with the fact that you seem so eager to go back to it.  i guess what i'm really trying to get at is that YOU DON'T NEED ANY OF THAT BAD STUFF!!  yes it wasn't your choice to be raped, it wasn't your choice to have ptsd, but you CAN choose how you cope with it.  for a long time i didn't think i had a choice, that cutting and hurting myself was the only way i could feel better.  i don't know who or what changed my mind, but i realized that i and no one else has control of my life.  i know i can survive without any unhealthy coping methods, and so can you.  you've already proven that with standing up at that rally, getting involved in getting the laws and policies changed, and the fact that you've started to control yourself more easily when you trigger.  that's all i have been saying the whole time.  but all you do is take everything i say as an attack.  you showed that when you said "Well let me ask you this- why don't YOU draw whenever you trigger? You should understand that giving advice is much easier said than done."  and what you said is true, giving advice IS much easier said than done.  but don't criticize me for it, when all you've been doing to me is give advice.  that's all anyone can do for a friend who is hurting.  you don't have to take it, you don't have to like it, but it's there just the same.   

btw, i didn't read that last reply at all and you're lucky i bothered reading this one.

The first thing you should do when you get back home is take anything of your ex's and throw it out the very first day. It'll be painful right then, but get it out of the house right off the bat and it won't be there to remind you the rest of the time. Then you can make a clean start. Just my 2 cents, though lord knows I'm the last person who should be giving relationship advice.

i've wanted to just burn everything and then give it back to him. i already burned some of it, but I don't have any place to burn the rest. i may just sneak out at night and do it on the side walk and then blame it on our crazy neighbors or something. Also, if i'm not binge eating or having sex, my only other coping method is cutting. I have some very spiritual beliefs about blood that, well shit, i might as well explain it to you because you don't seem too close minded. This is how I see it:

Blood is your life source. Without blood, you would die. When you lose too much, you die. I feel that the blood in my body is the closest thing to a physical soul. When I cut and I bleed, it's like blood-letting the negative emotions in a way. to see my soul leaking out of me symbolizes the pain that i feel on the inside. I never cut very deep or over any major places unless i'm REALLY depressed, like, attempting suicide which i've failed at every time. I usually cut my stomach and before that I would cut my shins/calves. Before that I would just drag my pocket knive along my feet and ankles, but i was too scared to break the skin. I've always made sure it was a non-lethal place, wasn't too terribly deep, and that it was somewhere no one would see it unless I were to take my clothes off in front of them. I don't see hooking up as a possibility because if I did hook up with someone, (emotionally/romatically, anyway), they would know that I'm a cutter and if they wanted me to stop, I could for them, or at least I think so. I guess it depends on how involved I am.