You are right why do we bother? You obviously don't want to help yourself.

i do, but i don't know why. i don't know why i should help myself when no body else cares if i do. i don't even know why i'm still alive, i don't know what the point in any of this is. i just want to be normal, but every now and then some one tries to help me and therefore makes me think about everything and i just lose it. i'm still too weak.

In order to cure, you can't just avoide and forget about things. They'll always come back until you resolve them. How do you know no one cares? Has everyone told you that they don't care? People have probably told you that they do care and you have ignored them. It's hard for people to understand wht they don't know. And it's also hard to find good people in this world of hate.. So sad..You are contradicting yourself, so you obviously have some hope left, which is good. Don't give up. But you have to be more willing to share if you want people to share with you, their care. Telling people that care about you, that you don't beleive them, makes them feel tired and want to give up, even if they do care about you because they've already tried so hard, but you can't expect them to do it all for you. You have to want help, want and accept their care.

it's not that i don't believe that people don't care about me, it's just frustrating as hell when the only people that seem to care about me are people that i know online. they're the only people i have in my life that are willing to listen. the night that i wrote this i discovered how weak i still am when it comes to the topic and i think the less that i have to re-tell my story the better it will be for me until i can get some therapy and fix myself a bit. i guess i do still have some hope, and most of the time i don't think much of it, but when i break down and everything falls on me like that again i just wonder why. Why do i still have hope? that's it. i guess i do contratict myself a lot. another sign that i'm slowly going insane. i guess that's everything.

Do you still go to school? I know it sucks having to re and re tell your story etc. so having one person, like a health professional would help you sort out things because they have more knowledge and experience than a random person, or friend you meet online.

HA! my high school councilor didn't believe me and treated the whole thing like a fucking joke, and now here in college they don't do "long term counciling" which is why i have to find therapy else where. Pretty much the most experienced people i know are other people that have gone through this shit, too, and even then sometimes thinking about it just makes me feel even worse.

 

hmm, i'm sorry, my initial reaction was rude. i just still have a lot of anger towards that whithered old hag. i'm not the only one she did that to, either, but only one other girl was willing to come forward with me. if we could have found out who the others were we could have had a case.

ok...so you need to have more than 2 people to have a case? since when?  What happened.

basically if you went to the head of the school and said, "the school councilor is a sexist psyco-bitch and you need to fire her", they'd laugh in your face and use their power to make you miserable the rest of the time you were at that school. (Think of my high school like the government in "Sin City": if you play along with their lies you're fine, but when you start trying to point out the flaws of the authority the do little things that they can get away with to haunt you until you graduate or transfer out.) Lost of other girls had complained to me about our school councilor doing that shit, but when i said, "fuck, let's bring a lawyer in here", only ONE of those girls was willing to stand by me, and then we had nothing. if we'd worked together we probably wouldn't have even had to go to court. Every one in the school knew that if a lawyer walked into the front office and they had a pile of evidence that they'd give you anything you wanted. such fond memories of Catholic school.

I see...Hmm..people and society are dumb like that. But still don't give up. Just because the school counceler and people are like that don't mean they all are.

i know they're not. that's why i want to try therapy again, but first i need a job so i can afford it, and then there is the pain from having to tell everything all over again.

hopefully it wil be the last time. good luck with getting a job and therapy.

thanx. i'm really needing it. i don't know what i'll do if this isn't the last time.

don't give up.

thanx. it's hard not to, but i don't know. we'll see how things go this time.

good luck

thanx

no problem.

~*hugs*~

*hugs*