so mad at myself

i am so pissed off at myself right now. my dumbass after class yesterday went n got high w/ marina n jackie. not only did i not get any shit done because i haven't gotten high in a month so my tolerance was WAY lower than i'm used to it being so i got way more fucked up than i'd wanted to get, but i spent the whole time trying not to think of anything that might even make me think of albert. i'd feel it start to happen, feel a freak out start to come, n then i'd switch my mind to something else. luckily i got a new sex toy that i ordered in the mail yesterday n that thing was so freaking awesome that after using it twice i just passed the fuck out and was able to sleep the high off for the most part. unfortunately, the busses stop running at 9, tho, so by the time i woke up it was 7:30, i missed the bus n if i'd wanted to get to campus to try and get any stats homework done, high or not, that would have been the bus i had to take. That, and i had a journal for interviewing n counseling due today that i spaced on, but luckily i can turn it into her in lab in like 10 minutes, but i think its pretty much safe to say i'm officially behind in stats now. I also still haven't done shit for my final project in california government, i still need a copy of both the US constitution n the declaration of independence for that class tomorrow, and i haven't started doing research for the counseling critique in my counseling class, either. i'm so far behind n at the very least if i'd just gone n done my homework like i'd been planning on doing instead of thinking, "hey, why don't i give this a shot again," i wouldn't be quite as far behind. at the least i wouldn't have had to cancel my office hour for my job today again n i would be able to make the lecture, which is on photosynthesis today, a subject i'm kinda shakey on since i didn't have to learn it when i took the class, and plus i would have gotten paid for it n i need all the money i can get.

speaking of money, i forgot to turn in my pay vouchers AGAIN last week! the last time they were due was the day me n albert hung out for like three hours n actually got to have a real fucking conversation n i was so worried about whether or not i was gonna see him, what i was gonna say, and the job interview i also had that day that i totally forgot. This time? just completely spaced on it.

i really, really want to see albert today n i hope he checks his myspace or this before its too late n that he meets me in the usual place at 3:30. i have all this stress building up n it would be nice to see him n talk to him so i can relax about at least 1 fucking thing. even if he read about the threesome i had two nights ago w/ sean n that guy lance, i'm sure that he didn't even really care. he didn't really care when i told him that jackie was trying to set me up w/ ace, n i kno the only reason i'm trying to convince myself to stick with that is because i'm hoping i can trick myself into thinking that i like him so i can get the fuck over albert.