yesterday i noticed that j had posted a bunch of new pictures on his myspace of various things. I left a "<3" on one of Squeakers n i said "i've been there" on a pic of this campground him n carly apparently went to up in humboldt n he'd posted a little entry simply saying that squeakers had died n i replied saying "its never easy losing someone u love...<3". so i signed on to post a bulletin saying i'd finished the chronicles of narnia (because i finally did tonight) n low n behind i'm short a friend on myspace. i wonder who it is n then i start looking thro the bulletins...n then i notice there isn't one that should be there. that was posted yesterday. n then i feel that sinking feeling in my gut. n i look at my friend list. n sure enough, j deleted me. i look at his profile n he deleted all of my comments. i have no idea wtf i did to make him decide he wants nothing to do w/ me. i wanna bawl my eyes out but i don't wanna wake up my family, i wanna cut up my arms but i almost wonder what's the point. i wanna call him but i don't wanna make things worse, i wanna know wtf happened. as of a couple weeks ago he had no problem w/ me, still wanted to fuck me, etc. now it seems like he wants to cut me out. i sent him a message that just asked, "why'd u delete me off of ur friend list n all of my comments? what did i do?" n i know he won't respond n i'm gonna wait n maybe call him on friday. we'll see, i'm sure he'll be raving n i have to work on saturday, too, but i dunno. Reanna called me earlier today n we're supposed to go to Santa Cruz tomorrow cuz we're both feeling shitty n we're supposed to meet Zach n her friend Alia might come n if she does we might meet up w/ two of Alia's friends in Santa Cruz. if j hadn't deleted me he might see that in the bulletin i just posted cuz i know he likes Reanna, but wtf ever. one thing is for sure, if he doesn't wanna have sex n e more (which really sux cuz i've been SO horny), then i sure as hell don't have a reason not to cut n e more. i've been trying not to do it since Monday so my stomach would heal by the time my period is over (its this week), but i guess there's no point, huh? i just kinda wish he'd talked to me. why don't ppl ever like talking things the fuck out??!! communication is key, n why can't ppl see that something that isn't much to them might mean the fucking world for somebody??!! i mean fuck, he's gonna be in Davis this next year n e way! it was just the summer, just the summer, n when the summer was over i was gonna ask if he still wanted to if/when he came n visited humboldt, but i guess that's just too fucking much to ask for. maybe carly told him we talked??!!
cutting
