nothin like a little anxiety to wake u up

i checked my myspace n actually had two messages from cyn, altho they weren't bad as i thought they would be:

For the psychologist thing, I can see how you would feel that it doesn't mean anything coming from the person who allowed you to go back to the state of depression and misery you were in prior to our relationship. But that doesn't mean it's a choice that should be avoided as it would certainly be very helpful in this time of distress. I feel that yes, I am the reason you feel like shit right now, but you also felt like shit before you dated us. So you have only just changed the main reason why your "life sucks." I am not trying to avoid the situation. On the contrary, I am facing it. I have my problems in regards to the relationship to work out, just as Albert has his, and you have yours. If I really cared, wouldn't I do things that would help you to face your inner conflicts rather then do things that let you avoid the conflicts, choices, and growth you have to make? Yes, in excess, that would not be helpful. But I have done nothing since the breakup to attempt to harm or make you feel worse in any way. That means that the problems you are currently having with me, are not my problems that I should fix, they are your problems that you have to face.


So what I got from your message is: If I truly cared about not being the source of your anxiety, I would not hang out at the BSS building at all, ever (when you are there). I think that you are saying that I am being inconsiderate by keeping my right to see my teachers at any time I want, or waiting for Albert after he gets out of class. You make it sound as though if I am intentionally hanging around places you are, just to anger you, or in spite. But in reality, I have only sat outside the BSS once since we've broken up. I did not know you were going to be there, and I didn't even know that it would be a problem, considering that when I entered the BSS building to go see my teacher you and I talked. It's not like I'm going to now spend all my time over there because I know you are there. I am going to go to the BSS building when I need to talk to my teachers (all my teachers this semester have office hours in BSS).

I hope you do not take this message as being harsh or "inconsiderate" I am just stating my case as you have stated yours. I do not mean to insult or aggravate you. Although I can see this conversation as something that can exacerbate your anger towards me, that is not may intention. My intention is to work through the problems and eventually get back to the place where you and I feel comfortable saying hi to each other without and awkwardness or triggers.

i was honestly expecting some crap about how immature i am. the next message she sent wasn't too bad, either.

oh and I forgot to add that if you don't want me knowing the details about your personal life or problems, then you should probably find someone else to confide in than Albert.  Because what we share with each other isn't going to change either.

And I have a question.  From what I've gathered, it seems that you would prefer if I didn't come around you at school.  Does that mean that when I do see you I should avoid you?  Or is it still okay to wave and say hi?

it hurts a lot to hear her tell me that i can't trust albert n it makes me wonder if he's told her anything else. i wrote:

i guess that if we see each other its ok to say hi.

i wish i could explain clearer to u what my problem is with u  hanging around while i'm around. yes, it was only once. the thing is, i feel like this is the same dumb shit that's always happened every time u n i have talked since u decided to make albert break up with me: i have a problem, u ask me what's wrong because ur "concerned" n want to kno what to do to help, n when i tell you, you're completely unwilling to do it n u just tell me to see my psychologist. is this one thing really that much to ask for? just ONE thing after all the compromises i've had to make for you? just so i have one less thing to worry about when i go to school?

for the most part i guess i don't care if albert tells u about some of the things i'm dealing with, such as my living situation being fucked up or how uber stressed i am about school or whatever, but when it comes to the things i think n feel about us n this situation, i don't think he should be telling you because 1) this miscommunication shit happens because something doesn't come out right, n 2) neither of u really understand what i'm dealing w/ because to truly understand what its like to have PTSD, u have to have it. however, albert at least seems somewhat willing to try n u don't at all. yeah, i was depressed before we got together, but since it was ur idea to have a girlfriend in the first place, which made me happy, only to change ur mind a month n a half later is why i see u as why things are fucked up for me. not only that, but i no longer have any friends because of the two of u. i spent the three weekends before spring break sitting in my room drinking by myself n playing the sims. all the plans, all the hope i had this semester are GONE now because of u backing out of what we had n making albert do the same.

i think i'm done with this conversation because if u still don't get it after this, you're not going to n i'm tired of repeating myself over n over again to get the same damn point accross.

i just don't kno what else to do. i was upset that albert told cyn cuz i figured this is what would happen n it did. since albert doesn't come by here ever really, i'm just printing out the whole thing for him to read so that there's no miscommunication n he knows exactly what we both said, n why saying something to her was a bad idea...if i see him today that is. i'm only tabling today this week n i don't think we're tabling next week at all.

ug, i hate this.