not what i expected

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blackmamba

not what i expected

Tags:

drama

anxiety

frustrated

ex-girlfriends

wpa

stupid ex-girlfreidns

today was the first day i signed on myspace in a couple of days because i wanted to save any anxiety or problems that might arise from talking to cyn until after i was done with the class project that was due yesterday. i figured that any resulting anxiety would be enough to help keep me awake on the way to the conference today.

You asked me to not go to the BSS building when you are there. Is that correct? If so, I will not agree to that. I think that asking me to not go see my teachers (who are ALL in the BSS building) during thier office hours just because you are tabling is a bit ridiculous. But I can understand you not wanting me to hang out in front of the BSS building while you are tabling. That I can do. If it is correct to say that you don't want me "hanging around" the BSS building when you are there, then I will agree to that. I will go the BSS building when I need to regardless if you are there. I will not hang around the BSS building when you are.

And yes, of course I'm going to tell you to see your psychologist. You need to. You were suicidal, that was my main reason for referring you to a professional before. Now, you are having major PTSD issues (apparently, I don't really know first hand), which says to me, "I need help." If you had a friend with huge life and PTSD problems, I'm sure you'd tell that person to see his psychologist too.

she had also sent me another message that was simply titled, "good bye," which kinda freaked me out at first.

I've been doing a lot of thinking. I've decided that what is best for both of us is the end of any relationship between you and I. You can't stand seeing me or hearing about me, going places we've been together, etc. I'm tired of you projecting your problems upon me. I am not the reason you feel bad, and I am not going to let you make me feel as though I am. You are an unnecessary addition of anxiety in my life and so, this is good bye. I hope you find the help you need to get through your problems. Good luck with the rest of your life.

i have a few things to say to both of these, (especially all this crap about having some sort of relationship with me when she's the one that looked me in the eyes outside gist hall about a month ago and said the words, "we're no longer friends"), but since she deleted me as a friend, i can't send her messages. the only reason i hadn't deleted her yet was so i could check up on her n see what she was up to, laugh at her misery, etc., even tho i know that's not healthy for me. i did the same thing with raver jimmy at first, too. besides that, apparently my ride is here, (5 minutes early! never happens!), so i need to scramble to finish getting ready. i'll be back sunday night.

oh, n of course albert hasn't been on since monday. i'm really starting to wonder if the only reason i haven't moved on isn't just because of what we had, but cuz i kno i won't find better. seriously, is this all u got, guys?

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dudetheregoesmy on

Re: not what i expected

Ibelieveimawesome.

:-/
♥

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blackmamba on

Re: not what i expected

its difficult, because even tho there are guys that haven't wronged me, i have this idea in my head that they have the potential to n will as soon as they can. for example, MONTHS before me n cyn n albert got together, before i even knew cyn liked me, i came up with this hypothesis: men are scum, and the ones who haven't hurt me yet, (again), can and will when they can.

back then, i thought about my male friends, (albert, matt, jacob), n even tho none of them had hurt me, i figured they at least had the potential to. albert proved this to me back in february by lying to me n shit.

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mindshock on

Re: not what i expected

okay, if you want my "professional" opinion, it really isn't healthy for you to project so much time and energy into loathing Cyn. Does she really deserve that much physical and spiritual energy from you? Follow suit with whats shes doing and amputate her AND Albert from your life. You WILL make new friends. When I was in Arcata, I sure as hell saw more friends than just Cyn and Albert. The sooner you stop this poisoning of your spirit with grief and anger, the sooner the healing will work.

Well, if you can find the time this summer, Geminis still on and I think it'd be kick ass to chill with you a bit. I've got both the Arizona and Texas crews that I know (and hope to meet a bunch more). If you'd like, I can check on rideshare forums for people in your are going there. with yu being smack dab in the middle of the golden triangle, I KNOW that theres gonna be more than one psytrancer there going to Gemini.

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mindshock on

Re: not what i expected

However, I do sympathize with what you're going through. Its never easy ending friendships.

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blackmamba on

Re: not what i expected

its more than just ending a friendship. i mean, how many drugs did u do after angela dumped u? u kno damn well that its not as easy to get over ppl as u want. also, i guess u didn't notice all the shit that i've written on here about how all the other ppl that i used to hang out w/ no longer want anything to do w/ me cuz cyn n albert told them a bunch of shit, (i used to think it was all cyn, but the more time that passes the more i think that albert did his fair share of spreading rumors, too), n so no, i really don't have friends now. if i see jacob on campus he walks in the other direction, he won't even say hi to me n neither will anyone else. morgan even threatened me if anything happened to cyn, because apparently i said that "i wished i could hire an assassin to kill her," even tho i never did. its all fucked up.

btw, here we call it the "emerald triangle" not the "golden triangle." i'd go to gemini if i could, but now i'm not sure i'll be able to get the time off of work cuz i'm already getting two weeks off to go to hawaii in july.

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mindshock on

Re: not what i expected

well, wish you could come...

well, time to make new friends I guess. Go to a party. go to tribes, use a fucking phone dating service for all I care. Just put yourself out there and meet people. And don't worry about getting shot down, cause look at it this way. You already feel like shit. You have nowhere to go but up.

I just know you need to find SOME way to get Cyn and Albert out of your mind. The sooner, the better

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mindshock on

Re: not what i expected

and you still got me as a friend. btw, have I offended you in some way? I've been trying to call you for months.

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blackmamba on

Re: not what i expected

can u receive text messages? cuz i've texted u a couple of times about why i haven't been answering. its just that u have really bad fucking timing when u call me. a couple days ago i was on the phone w/ my mom on my way to a bon fire, n every time before that i've been working on homework or its been something else. when i was in ohio i couldn't talk cuz everyone else was asleep n the walls in anna's house are super thin n i didn't want to keep anyone up by being on the phone, and when i was flying from cleveland to chicago u literally called me while i was sitting on the plane right before they said, "please turn off unaproved electronic devices now such as cell phones." n its not like i haven't tried calling u back, but every time i have u haven't answered either

n now its nearing the end of the semester n i don't have the time to talk on the phone with anybody, including anna. the only reason i still update here is because its my only way of communicating with albert, even tho he rarely comes on here for various reasons. i haven't been ignoring u.