not feelin too good

so one of the things i hate about taking greyhound is all of the time it gives me to think. i thought about a lot of things, so many things that i don't even remember them all, but the last couple i do. when we were coming into eureka i saw some kids walking down the street n because of the time of night, i thought about how eureka has raves sometimes. then we drove past the place that has them n the door was open n the lights were on...of course, they have their raves on the first saturday of every month. tonight is the first saturday in april. which of course then made me think of one of the many things i'd thought about earlier- how things have fallen apart. my life was going so well- i had friends, even lovers, n the new semester was about to start. i was undertaking new projects n classes n i had my partners to help support me n get the thro anything. well that all went straight to shit, didn't it all, huh? i especially remember the night cyn went with me when no one else would...good times...

then when we stopped in eureka, one of the guys that had been sitting in the back near me got off the bus. if he was about 5 or 10 years younger, i would have been all over him. i caught a glimpse of his body as he took his sweatshirt off, n damn. a little too old for me, but he did have a great body. he'd said that he was going to see somebody that was female, n i knew i shouldn't have, but i did assume this was some sort of lover. when he got off the bus, i looked out the window n i saw her run to him n kiss him. they were so happy to see each other, n the way their lips locked n they embraced...it wasn't that i was jealous cuz i thought this guy was attractive but a bit too old for me n that chik was probably about my age, but it was the fact that i wasn't going home to that. i wasn't about to get that kind of greeting. even just the one day i was there, there was still something about being at that house in santa clara that made me think of albert. all i could think about was christmas break n just, "i think i should call him cuz i feel like talking to him on the phone," n then the realization that this isn't christmas break, things are very different now, n "oh yeah, i can't." i thought about it, n really i just felt so safe when he was there with me...i felt like things were going to be ok, that i had something secure that would last n i was loved...

so i get home after jackie picks me up n puma's fur is all fucked up. mike said he didn't kno why, stephanie said she didn't kno why, but she said that yesterday when she got home her body wash was opened on the bottom of the shower, so maybe that was it. when i'm done typing this i'm going to clean up his fur a bit, n clean his litter box. there's a ton of dog shit in my room AGAIN! n i told mike n he acted like it was no biggy. and one of the white board markers that i bought on tuesday when i saw cyn n albert at the book store is mysteriously missing from its package in my room, and neither one is on the fridge or the white board downstairs. wtf, guys, its been ONE DAY! i didn't open the damn things until yesterday n i only took one downstairs! is it really that hard kids?

also, i've now officially decided that someone needs to babysit puma next weekend while i'm at WPA. i was going to ask cyn n albert even tho albert is allergic to cats, i don't really trust either of them especially cyn, etc, but the only other person i knew to ask is reanna n there already is a cat at her place so that might have caused problems. that, n at least cyn n albert kno how much puma means to me. jackie n her roomie volunteered to do it, tho. i was really greatful, but i said i wanted to ask around some incase it wasn't ok w/ her landlord, but she said it was cuz the landlady has two cats in her appartment. i decided to say yes because i really have no reason to be relucant to. the thing is, i kinda wanted to see what cyn n albert said first, tho, cuz i was thinking that this might be one way to start trusting cyn again. i'm not saying that this one thing would prove to me that yes, in fact, she doesn't want to make my life worse, but if she had been totally cool with it, (even if albert wasn't), n had treated him well, it would have been a step in the right direction. so much for that, tho. at least puma will be ok.

speaking of cyn...i figured i'd have a message from her waiting for me when i got home, n sure enough, i did:

I'm sorry that your PTSD is giving you problems.  And no I don't understand how I could trigger it, being that I have nothing to do with it, but if that's what happens, I guess that's just the way it is. I know that you and Albert talk for 5-15 minutes or so on the days he gets out of class and I'm not going to avoid going to the BSS building at the times I know you are tabling just so that you won't have to see me.  I'm going to go there whenever I need to see my professors.  As for staying after on the days I do go to see my teachers so that I could see Albert when he gets out of class, I'm not going to avoid it, but I'm not going to make it a point to do that either.  I apologize for the inconvenience, but I am not going to alter my daily choices so that you can have your 5 minutes alone with Albert.

As for the text message I sent you, I sent it to you after Albert mentioned to me that you guys were going to meet later.  And no, you cannot expect him to keep everything you two talk about a secret.  He and I share mostly everything, of course he doesn't reveal everything in every conversation he has with everyone, but he doesn't hide anything either.  So your hopes of him talking to you and me not hearing about it aren't going to happen. 

Once again (although I know you don't want to hear this, again), it would be a good idea to try to get in with your psychologist in order to work through these issues.  I hope you feel better soon, and I hope you are able to make some other real friends, because you do deserve good friends.

now, i'm sorry albert, but u talking to her seems to have made things worse again. i wrote back to her honestly:

its not that i don't want to hear that i should see my psychologist, its just that since ur kinda the reason my life is fucked up right now, it doesn't mean anything coming from u. not only that, but if u really cared about ceasing to be a source of my anxiety, u would not hang around if i'm tabling n such. i didn't realize that was so much to ask for considering how many things u've asked me to do that i've had absolutely no say in what-so-ever. i think that u just asking me to see my psychologist is a way of avoiding the situation still- rather than make a small change just to be considerate to me after all the big changes i've made for u, u'd rather just keep telling me that this is all my problem i have to deal with. albert is right, WE ALL helped dig this grave.

n yes, u do have something to do w/ my PTSD n the fact that i trigger when i see u. if u had "nothing to do with it," as u put, then i wouldn't have to struggle to keep an anxiety attack from happening when i see u. no, ur not the reason i was diagnosed w/ PTSD, but what seeing u triggers for me is a part of that. the fact that YOU specifically trigger me has everything to do w/ u since, again, ur kinda why i'm unhappy.

n yeah, i know that the fact that i talk to albert isn't some big secret from u, but its still not ur business what we talk about, especially not in any sort of detail like he has done.

i'm aggitated cuz i thougth we were done w/ this crap. i honestly don't kno how to say any of that shit any nicer than that, n if me telling her this shit doesn't get thro to her then the only other thing i kno to do is ask albert to talk to her for me, which isn't what i wanted to begin with n it has never gone well. (altho, as u may have noticed, the two of us talking directly to each other never goes according to plan, either) seriously, is it that fucking much to ask? if ur really that fucking concerned about my mental health? stupid bitch...seriously albert, COME ON!!! whatever, i'm sure he won't read this n he'll hear some crap from cyn or who fucking knows...i wish i could trust him, if he'd just kept it private this crap between me n her wouldn't have started up again. she was all fucking, "should we talk? can i do anything to help?" n i fucking tell her n she won't fucking do it. honestly, does n e one see the fucking sense in that?

ug, i was tired but all this dumb crap has got my anxiety going now. i'm gonna try to wash puma off n make an attempt to at least clean his litter box a little bit. this sux.