n then last night

so if things weren't getting fubared enough, i had just finished reading for the night last night, (i got to part 2 in Carrie n i finished the book today. its a fast read, only took me yesterday n today, n if ur considering the movie or have seen it then i recomend u read the book) when i got a new text. (10:46pm) i figured it might be phoenix bugging me some more, but when i opened my phone it said the new message was from j. it simply said "welcome back to the area!" i kinda laughed to myself, not sure what to think of this or how to respond. i wondered if maybe he wanted sex, but he'd told me a couple months ago that he wasn't interested n e more n it was only a couple weeks ago that i got out of him why. on that same day he told me that me "drawing things out" was making him consider not even being friends w/ me n e more. After some thought, i wrote n sent a message saying, "Haha thanx. That was a nice surprise :) too bad i dont wanna be here" n after a moment of no response (which wasn't surprising) i sent him another asking if he was enjoying his break so far. i guess as i had been typing that one, he sent me another text asking, "get on aim?" i told him to give me a sec because i wasn't sure if the internet was working. (it hadn't been earlier) apparently it was, n sure enough, he was there on AIM.

 

 

i didn't want to say yes right away. i actually thought about it a little bit because i'm not sure this is something I really want. its funny cuz at the last rave party ben/rob/alex had i met j's really good friend and ex from high school named Shea. i didn't know who she was at first, but she was drinking a beer n hanging out in the kitchen n somehow i ended up in there hanging out, too, n we were just talking about violence n wanting to or actually knocking the crap out of guys when the touch us innappropriately n such n it was really awesome. She made this comment about how it was really nice having someone else who was violent around n i agreed. we talked a little more n when she talked about how her n j dated in hs n that she lived in Bakersfield, i realized who she was. before i knew who she was i'd mentioned that he'd been to the strip club in humboldt n she was super shocked n i'd told her about how he gave me E on New Years n disappeared. she said he just does that sometimes, n it made me feel so much better to hear someone that ACTUALLY KNEW HIM say that.

 

long story short, he was a dick to her that night n she disappeared at some point n i was worried so i sent her a message on myspace the next day asking if she was ok n telling her if she wanted to vent to me about him it was ok cuz he'd been kind of an ass to me, too. (at one point that night he disappeared n she was crying n i gave her a hug n was like, "i'm sober, so i can pamper you." she gave a weak laugh n said, "thanx," then added, "asshole ex-boyfriends..." i thought for a moment n then told her, "you know today is the first time he's spoken to me in a month?" it was true, n she just gave this little grunt as if to say, "what a prick" n then slowly walked away) her n i had shared a couple of messages about his jackassery yesterday, n it was weird that here when i was so angry n was about to tell her some crap that i knew i shouldn't have, j was suddenly being nice to me in a manner of speaking again. i thought it was an odd coincidence, n perhaps that coincidence is what made me decide that it was worth a shot. if i decided i was uncomfortable n it wasn't worth it, i could break things off. besides, i figured that he'd drive here only to discover he wasn't really into this n e more n e way. while i was waiting for him to come over i actually half expected him to stand me up, and divided between that part of me half thought he'd send me a text telling me he couldn't do it n half thought he just wouldn't show up or say n e thing to me at all. at 12:04am tho, i got a text from him that simply said, "allo." i knew he was here.

 

the sex was good and all, but i felt distracted the whole time, like something about it was fake. things deffinately aren't like the used to be between the two of us, n i wonder if that was it. i couldn't help but wonder if he felt it, too. it just seemed so strange to me that he'd still be attracted to me, even after everything, and a little bit later in the night while we were cuddling silently on his passenger seat i began to think about some of the things my therapist had told me about phoenix n started to think of them in terms of j. maybe he keeps coming back because he feels like he has some sort of power over me? power in knowing that if he wants sex i'll say yes? i'd like to think that's not true, but it might be. but last night was different in another way, too. we talked- a lot. we talked about a lot of things, too. it started after i gave him head- i'd sucked on him a little bit, then we had sex for a while, he jizzed on me a little, n then i went down on him again, this time with me on top between his legs. i also gagged a lot. it got to the point that when he did cum again i had to keep sniffling n i really wish i'd brought a tissue. when he had me stop sucking on him, (i just like to suck dick, that's how i am), i layed half next to him n half ontop of him on the seat, something we'd never done in his car before but we'd done in bed three times now, n he said that i should be more assertive about when i don't want to do things that make me uncomfortable. i was confused at first because i couldn't think of wtf he could have been talking about. he knows i like it when guys cum on my stomach- or at least he knows its ok w/ me. he knows i like it when guys cum in my mouth- or at least he knows its ok w/ me. then he said something about the deep throating feeling good even tho i gagged, but that its much more attractive when a girl stands up and says no to something she really doesn't want to do.

 

I got it- he thought that i was just gagging on him to make him happy.

 

he tried to explain more n i cut him off n said, "but i do want to do it." he paused for a moment n then said, "oh" in a very bewildered tone. i explained to him that i really like giving head, i just have a really strong gag reflex. its one of those strange paradoxes in my life, n i had told B about it, too, only i put it as, "i love giving head but because i have a strong gag reflex i'm no good at it," to which he responded, "You give pretty good head." coming from a man-whore like him, this actually made me feel a lot better. ^-^ n e way, i'm not sure if j really understood this, but he just said, "um, ok" n he continued stroking my back. i thought about it a minute n then i asked him, "do u always tell me when ur not comfortable with doing something?"

 

silence.

"no." "why not?"

he exhales.

"dunno."

pause.

"depends."

 

unfortunately he still doesn't know me well enough to know that this is never a good enough answer for me, n i asked "depends on what?" "i dunno. depends on the situation." i thought about pressing further n i'm not sure why i decided not to. i just thought it was kinda strange that here he was telling me that i should tell him when i'm uncomfortable, yet he won't do the same for me. after a moment of more thinking, i said, "can i tell u something that i wasn't comfortable w/ the first time we saw each other?" i kept playing with his chest in a flirty way so he'd know i wasn't mad or n e thing. "mmhmm." "when we first saw each other, i really wasn't comfortable not making u wear a condom the whole time we were having sex...and i wasn't comfortable taking all of my clothes off in a car because i'd never done it before incase a cop showed up n sure enough, the one time i did it, a cop showed up." we both laughed a little, seeing as how we've continued to strip completely in his car everytime n no other cops have shown up, n then i continued. "but i was afraid to tell you no because i was afraid that if i did you wouldn't want to see me again...n i mean, its no big deal now because i trust you, i'm not worried about getting diseases from you." "mmhmm."

 

i was surprised to still hear the happy tone in his voice, but i guess it was a good thing. maybe he was just in a good mood yesterday. maybe it was because i hadn't had sex in a little over a month n my tight pussy gave him a good time. i dunno, but from there we just talked a lot about a lot of things...i don't wanna go into everything cuz this entry is long enough as it is already, but it was very strange n kinda nice. i mean, since we've had sex i don't understand why he doesn't have the ability to open up to me, but i do understand that's just how some ppl are. i'm one of the weird ones who sees it as, "well we already shared our bodies in the most intimate way possible, why can't we open up about other stuff?" but of course this has its limitations, too. limits that he gently pressed.

 

i'd repositioned my head over his shoulder as he kept running his fingers along my back, n then i heard something out of him that i didn't expect: "Suicidal. Give one reason." i paused in shock, horror, and something i don't know what to call in one word. i felt almost moved i guess, flattered in a way that he cared enough to ask. (it occured to me later that it might have just been curiosity) i really didn't want to answer his question, but at the same time, why should i care? i have no reason to bullshit this guy. part of the reason i didn't want him knowing that i'm fucked up is cuz i was scared he wouldn't want to fuck me n e more, but i guess what he knows wasn't enough to scare him away. (n mind u, i didn't know he was still interested until the end of the above conversation) i'd had my arms wrapped around his shoulders under his neck, n i'd been holding him tightly. i said, "i have no friends here n i get really lonely." "that's no reason to want to kill yourself." why bother elaborating on that? "give another." i thought for a moment again, not sure how much and what i wanted to disclose to him. "i don't get along with my family and i don't like my family." "you've lived with them for 18 years, there has to be something about them that you like." again, why bother elaborating on this? going into details on the pain i've delt with n how i'm having a hard time finding more good than bad? no, it hasn't been all hell with them. good moments arise, n i know they love me. but i'm their daughter, they kinda have to. n they're my parents, so i kinda have to. "give another." i began to tremble n i could feel my arms grow cold. there was one other thing i could think to tell him, my horrible secret, the one that most of u on here who read my blog know. before i didn't want him to know cuz i was sure it would turn him away, but that's not what i cared about now. i didn't cum last night n its not because my body was in the wrong place, my mind was. i'm still not sure i want this, n i guess its because i'm not sure what his motives are. turning him away wasn't what i was worried about, i was just worried about him knowing. i mean, would u want ur fuck buddy knowing that ur first boyfriend repeatedly raped you? that everything you experienced "down there" for the first time was thro rape? even being fingered? would you want ANYONE knowing that??!! i hesitated for a moment, thought about it, and i started shaking. it was very small, so he probably didn't notice, but my grip on his shoulders loosened, n feeling the sensation of tears beginning to press between my eyes, i decided i didn't give a fuck n e more n that if he wanted to know then i was gonna tell the motherfucking asshole. quietly i whispered, "and i have ptsd."

 

"What's that?"

 

the calm friendliness in his voice clashed with everything i was feeling in this moment. i was still shaking, arms still felt cold. the tears began to press on my eyes even more. "Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder."

 

"From what?"

 

bam. slap. kick in the nuts. naivette, ignorance, stupidity, curiosity, cruelty, audacity, i dunno what. i was shocked to hear this n i wasn't sure how to answer. i could feel the shame, the guilt, the dirty feeling that never washes away deep in ur soul welling up in me again as our nude bodies pressed against each other, having just shared something consensually that he was unknowingly asking me to talk about having forced on me. The tears were about to burst thro my eyes n i quickly pleaded, "can i answer that another time?" "mmhmm" he said again.

 

naivette, ignorance, stupidity, curiosity, cruelty, audacity, i dunno what. his tone was still calm n friendly, not neccessarily happy i guess. i began to relax again n held him tightly again. a little while later i asked him if he knew what PTSD is n he said loosely. i asked him what he knew n he said it was, "one's ability to cope- or inability to cope, rather- with a traumatizing incident. it's most commonly..." he hesitated a moment, as if he knew something in this list was going to upset me, n i could feel my fingers unwillingly grip his chest tighter in the terrified anticipation of hearing him name the category i fell under, hearing the word that i can't believe i typed out in this entry just a few minutes ago that also makes an appearance in the tags on this entry. i didn't realize it until he slowly and carefully listed war vets, rape victims, and victims of traumatic accidents. his deffinition had offended me a bit. its not that i can't cope, its how i have coped. PTSD is like a defense mechanism for me, something that puts my brain in full and constant alert so i don't wind up in the situations that i've been in before. i told him that for the most part he was right, except for that one part wasn't quite the right way to put it. i told him that he should research the topic more thoroughly before i answered his question, n he said, "ok."

 

i don't know if me opening up to him like this made him open up to me, but for some reason he did last night. he told me about how he doesn't trust ppl n that it doesn't bother him. that he doesn't swear much unless he's angry. (something i've noticed n i told him that) that he thinks his body is flabby and he doens't like the way it looks. (not only did i tell him i liked it the way it was, but i also told him his body reminds me of Clive Owen's in Sin City, which is true) n he told me about that girl more, the one he mentioned in the conversation. we'd switched sides n we were just cuddling again when he said, "i'm jus