Saturday, January 21, 2006, 2:41pm

A few times now I've thought about going into the living room to play with Shadow, and then I remember that he's not there and never will be again. It hits me and stings for a moment, and then I go right back to pretending that he's just outside right now or some stupid shit like that. I wish I could be blogging, but my brother is playing Counter Strike and even though I need the moral support right now, I know he'll still be a fucking cunt about giving it up. It really sux not having moral support, too. Nam told me that when Shadow died he'd be there for me. Of course, that was before he became an echo of the faggot, rapist asshole I left for him. I can't believe how Nam went from loving me and still wanting to be friends to a complete asshole that signs on to AIM and goes invisible if I'm on. He thinx I'm as stupid as every other guy I've ever been involved with "intametly" does. The last time he pulled that shit I sent him a message telling him that Shadow's time was near, and he gave me his synthetic condolences. After I get back to campus and send him the stuff of his that I have I'm deleting him from all my buddy lists and my e-mail. There's no fucking point. He gave me this bullshit about how he doesn't call when he's awake late because he doesn't know who's up. Motherfucker! I told him and he KNOWS I never sleep before midnight! He just got quiet. Honestly, he knows about the shit Daniel and Phoenix have put me through, and because he doesn't talk to me anymore he doesn't even know about Phoenix's most recent string of lies. Why did Nam think I would't see straight through his? Do I come off retarded?

Hmmm, how odd that this turned into something about Nam. I guess it's better to be pissed as hell about that instead of being depressed and mourning Shadow's death, huh? I wonder if my brain is doing this on purpose or if it's any traces of the Effexor that are keeping me from completely losting it. The thing is, I haven't had the Effexor for almost three weeks now, and when I was taking it regularly it only worked every now and then. This also reminds me that I need more birth control. I thought I was set for another three months, but I was wrong. Hopefully Kaiser won't fuck that up like they fucked up with my Effexor, because unlike the Effexor which I'm doing ok without, I'm fucked withough my birth control. I started it originally to help gain control of my periods because those were so bad. It wasn't uncommon that I'd bleed for 13 or 14 days, and the cramps got worse and worse. They weren't off to the sides where my ovaries are, but would be in my uterus while I was on my actual period. I'd burst out crying because it hurt so bad, and at times I could hardly even stand. While the Naproxin helps with the pain, the birth control does most of the work. It's made them relatively regular, too. Every now and then they start a day or two early or late and every now and then it will end a day or two before or after it's supposed to, but that's it. Before my periods came whenever they felt like it. Sometimes my period would come only two weeks after the last one ended, and sometiems it would be a month. When I can get Brian off the computer and the internet is still working, I'll- that won't work because I don't have the perscription number with me. Fuck.

Ha, what an odd entry. I might call Anna and talk to her about this, but maybe I'm just not ready to do that either. Damn, I thought about playing with Shadow again.

3:11pm

It's funny that the people who were telling me that Shadow wasn't a real family member haven't apologized yet. I seriously doubt they even cared to read my past entry at all. Thank you to those of you who did, btw. No one ever reads my long meaningful entries, so it's kinda nice that people finally did.