more bitching about the same old thing

i saw albert about half an hour ago. its the first time i've seen him since the first monday in may. i was in a car, getting dropped off, and we passed him walking down the street. i don't know if he saw me in the car, most likely he didn't. so of course, once i was out of the car rather than precede to my destination i ran the three blocks back, then turned the corner n ran down another street to reach the street i'd seen him on, hoping to do the whole, "fancy i just ran into you!" cliche. the idea hadn't even popped in my head at first, i was just swarmed with anxiety. at the last second i thought, "hey, this just might work," just to at least say hi to him, or at the very least make him see me.

of course, somehow i'd missed him. even when i looked behind me on the street i didn't see him, but it almost makes me wonder if he did see me in that car and he hid down one of the streets that connect the one i'd ran along and the one he was walking on in the anticipation that my dumb ass would do the crazy thing that i just did. if that's the case, then he would have seen me looking around for him, too, and cursing that i hadn't been able to catch him.

i remember a year ago, being alone here, and taking that chance of calling him n cyn, trying to reach out n make new friends. i remember how scared i was, how happy i became, and of course this leads me to feel even worse than i did before. i wish we could just go back to that- not dating, just being friends. just, "hey, wanna watch a movie?" "sure!" "hey, wanna get high n hang out?" "why not? i've got nothing else to do!" i miss that more than i can describe. and when i saw him today, that's all i wanted, nothing more. i would have been happy with him just seeing me, even if he just walked by n pretended he didn't know me like jacob's been doing since the break up first happened. sure, i've fattened up a lot since then. i gained 5lbs in Hawai'i alone, but i didn't care because now that i'm back in Arcata, my meals aren't free, and i don't have the money to by them. when i start to starve again, the fat will help keep me going n the fact that i'm more active here will help me start to thin out soon enough. its funny, one time we were talking about puma, how all he ever does is sleep and get fat. albert said, "well if you couldn't have sex, (somewhere previously in the conversation it was mentioned that puma has been nutered), what else would you do?" and guess what? when i wasn't getting sex anymore, that IS what i did! haha

*cry*

the same thing happened on 4th of july as i watched the fireworks with my co-workers Javier, Ashley, Valerie (they're twin sisters) and valerie's bf Alex. us girls were sitting on the roof of Ashley's car in the Safeway parking lot, watching the colorful explosions thro the clouds that blanketed the sky. not only did i worry that one of them would walk by, accompanied with a few people probably, too, but i got the nearly overwhelming urge to just walk the couple streets behind the connected Longs, just to see how they were doing, just to say hi. I would have loved to have gone over, say, "hey, what's up, how's ur forth? oh that's cool, i'm just hanging out with some co-workers. cool, i'll see u guys around," n leave. of course, if they had been home, (n i'm not sure they were), it wouldn't have been like that at all. there probably would have been quite a few, "what the fuck are you doing here"s and "i'm calling the cops" accompanied by calling the cops. and that is what really hurts me. even tho i miss hanging out with BOTH OF THEM, not just albert, i can't even just say hi. i can't even just be friendly. obviously, for those of you who have been reading this blog for quite some time, you know that there is still quite a bit of rage and hostility brewing inside me. that's why even tho i'd love to hang out with them again, i know i'm not ready for it yet. i sure as fuck wouldn't get drunk with them yet. ever since i dated cyn n albert i've gotten super horny every time i've gotten drunk. i think its probably the only reason why i'm not chugging down the last bit of jager i have. no i don't drink that stuff cuz it reminds me of them, i drink it cuz i can drink it straight, lol.

anyway...i wish, even tho i wanted to lose some weight before he saw me again, before either of them saw me again, that i could have at least gotten him to talk by me. i would have smiled, would have waved since i knew it was coming. if it had been totally random, i probably would have had a panic attack n reacted much the way i wanted to in the car and the way i did when i got home- lots of screaming n crying. at the least i could have told him that that guy Drew that works at Kinkos says, "what's up." that's a story for another time, tho. for now, i'm just trying not to think about all those things again- i wondered if he was going home, wondered if he worked today, wondered if he's alone at home right now, wondered if he wished he could call me just to hang out. hopefully for nothing else, tho. the first friday in may, the day we talked for hours, he said that he still thought about calling me and asking me if i wanted to fool around, which actually bothered me because even then i hadn't thought about him that way anymore. yeah i'd wondered what would happen if i tried to kiss him or he tried to kiss me, how we'd react, etc., and i told him that, but it was never something i acted upon, nor would i have, but that was it and i told him that, too.

like i said, tho, i'm trying not to wonder about what he's doing now. it makes me think about how a year ago i could have called him, even tho i might not have cuz i was so shy, but i still could have. its not like i feel like i took that time for granted, because we weren't close then. i wish we were now. when i start to think about things, tho, everything, i feel all the anger come back and the question i really ask myself is why. why am i going to therapy to try and work this out so i can overcome my anxiety, anger, jealousy towards mara, etc. so that eventually i can be friends with them again as if nothing ever happened when i'm pretty damn sure they're not working for the same thing? i wasn't happy when Dave told me how cyn had posted shit on myspace about what i baby i was being about the whole situation, especially finding out that she'd done that after all the bullshit she told me after that last monday in may...i told myself not to fall for it, told myself that but a part of me still hoped, still hoped that some part of her still cared for me as much as if not like she used to. funny, still when i wondered if i would have reacted the same way i did after seeing albert as i would if i had seen cyn instead, i'm not sure. i think that in that moment, maybe i would have. i still hear those voices arguing in my head, that albert hadn't been as cold to me as cyn had, but then again he appeared to be warm and sympathetic by lying to me.

well i've stopped coughing from the run finally and have calmed down for now, but i have therapy in 50 mins.